Dear Sexpert,
Why are people so different when it comes to attraction and sex? I mean, some of my friends are totally into things that make no sense to me at all. Is that okay? What is the science here?
-Confused but Curious
Dear Confused but Curious,
First of all, your question is great and a very common one. When we first begin to learn about intimacy and sex, it’s natural to compare ourselves to others—as we have no other point of reference. However, it’s important to remember: sexual and romantic interests are personal and there is no universal “normal” to which everyone needs to conform. Whether it’s being into a certain kind of touch, fantasizing about specific scenarios, or even not wanting to engage in sexual activity altogether, people’s preferences are shaped by a mix of biology, psychology, culture, experience, and identity. Just like taste in clothing or music, no two people are going to be exactly alike.
So why are we interested in different things? This depends on biopsychosocial factors—essentially biological aspects of our bodies and minds and how they interact with how we experience our bodies and relate to others, within the context of culture. In other words, our interests come from how our brains are wired and our bodies are developed, in addition to the kinds of experiences we’ve had. The neurotransmitter dopamine, which is a part of the brain responsible for several of the body’s functions, acts on areas of the brain to provide different feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, and reward, which contributes to why specific things turn us on or who we find attractive.
Furthermore, our upbringing, values, and even the media we are exposed to can make an impact on what we are comfortable with and what we find sexy or pleasurable. For example, if we grew up in a household that stigmatized certain behaviors or desires, we may internalize them as “wrong”, try to hide them, feel shameful, or even be turned off by them. Those experiences could even impact our judgment of others’ sexual desires or behaviors, affect whether we are open to or feel safe exploring our own sexuality or pleasure, or discussing these topics with others. If we’ve consumed media that is empowering and factually accurate, we may feel more positively towards certain activities; meanwhile, media that reinforces stereotypes, or demonstrates acts that are violent or unrealistic may impact what we think we are “supposed to like” or what we assume others enjoy. Past experiences such as sexual violence or abuse may impact how we respond to sexual experiences and stimuli. There is no “normal” way to feel or act following sexual trauma, but it is not uncommon for intimacy and reclaiming one’s body or sexual agency to feel challenging. Everyone responds differently to touch, but from a physical standpoint, having a disability or chronic pain can also change how we perceive pleasure, or what feels good to us. If you have a disability, there may be some parts of your body that don’t have much sensation or respond to touch; or, with chronic pain, the wrong sensation or touch may be extremely painful or uncomfortable. As these sensations can change from day to day, figuring out what works for you may require patience, creativity, and frequent exploration.
Whatever our experiences, our preferences are also not set in stone. It is possible that your sexual desires and attraction to others will continue to ebb and flow over time. If you’re not into what your friends (or partners) are into, that’s totally okay—and totally healthy. Sexual awareness is not about matching someone else’s energy or preferences but finding what feels right and good to you. This may involve self-reflection, vulnerable conversations with partner(s), or even exploring your boundaries and desires more intentionally (a great tool to try is the Peer Health Advisers (PHA) “How I Like It” Checklist). You should never feel coerced into liking or doing something simply because it’s “hot” or another person enjoys it. Decide if it’s something you are into! Of course, in partnered contexts, conversations about desires, likes/dislikes, and boundaries are critical. To engage in conversation, try approaching the topic during a time when you and a partner are in a private but relaxed environment. Make it clear that your goal is to figure out what will be pleasurable and enjoyable for both of you. Using the checklist above, together, may be a good starting point. Ultimately, what you choose to engage in together should be something you both are into.
It is most important to feel respected, safe, and empowered in one’s decision-making. Sexual wellness is finding yourself and trusting in your own experiences—whatever that may be. And remember—there’s no one-size-fits-all with intimacy. Whether you’re into soft romance, hot roleplay, or don’t find sex appealing, your desires are valid.
If you ever want to learn more, explore safely, or talk to someone about questions you’re not ready to ask a friend, there are lots of resources available to you. University Health Services (UHS) offers confidential counseling, clinical services, and peer education. Peer educators and professional staff at the Gender + Sexuality Resource Center (GSRC) can provide support around exploring sexual orientation and identity, and connect you to affinity groups. You can also learn more online through reputable resources such as Planned Parenthood, the Kinsey Institute, Scarleteen, etc., open-source textbooks, or review our past articles. Finally, remember that your experiences and feelings are unique and valid – trust and honor them.
Stay curious and kind to yourself,
The Sexpert
Information for this article is provided by the Cleveland Clinic, Journal of Neuroendocrinology, Intro to Human Sexuality, and Sexuality, the Self and Society.