Dear Sexpert,

My boyfriend watches a lot of porn. A lot of porn. He watches porn every night before he falls asleep, even the nights that we have sex; he often wants to watch it to get in the mood before we have sex. It makes me uncomfortable and I have tried to talk to him about it, but he says I’m being controlling and just don’t understand. But I don’t feel like I can be sexually or emotionally intimate with someone who would rather watch porn than be with me.

–TheRealGirl

Dear RealGirl,

Many couples find watching pornography together stimulating and consider it an important facet of their foreplay. However, in your case, it sounds like you feel disregarded and are having difficulty communicating this to your boyfriend.

Let’s first focus on you and what you want out of this relationship. You mentioned wanting sexual and emotional intimacy, and to feel valued. Try asking yourself some reflective questions, like: When do you feel most respected in your relationship? What could your boyfriend do to make you feel more valued? The answers could indicate whether the problems stem from your boyfriend’s pornography use or a larger communication issue.  Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) at McCosh offers couples counseling, which could help to improve your communication skills. If your boyfriend is willing to go, it could be an opportunity to talk to a trained clinician about your concerns and how you feel your boyfriend’s pornography use is negatively impacting your relationship in a safe space. Non-judgmental and open communication is key.

You may also want to explore what it is about pornography that your boyfriend likes. For example, ask what it does for him (feelings, emotions, thoughts, etc.) that he may feel like he is not getting from other sources in his life? This may get him to open up, rather than get defensive. Also, consider your own feelings towards pornography. If it’s not for you, your boyfriend needs to know and should respect your preferences.

While there is debate around this area, there are possible negative impacts of frequent porn consumption.  Some studies have suggested that frequent pornography use can desensitize the viewer to real-life sexual encounters, and sometimes result in difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. Others suggest that watching too much porn alters the neural pathways and reconditions the sexual drive. Addiction can occur when a person engages in an activity, such as watching porn, that may be pleasurable but becomes compulsive and starts to interfere with daily life and regular responsibilities. If your boyfriend’s porn use is causing him distress or affecting other aspects of his life (e.g., school work, job, relationships), you might encourage him to see a mental health professional at CPS.

Since this is affecting both your boyfriend and you, because of its impact on your relationship, it is important that you both find a way to communicate effectively.

~The Sexpert