Category Archives: Communication

Communication, Dating, Relationships

Stressed Out and Struggling: Healthy Relationships Amidst Academic Stress

Dear Sexpert,

Lately, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with school. Between exams, assignments, and all the pressure to perform well, it feels like there’s barely any time to relax. I’ve noticed that the stress is starting to affect my relationship, and causing some tension with my partner. I feel like they are starting to feel rejected. They seem disinterested in our conversations (whether it’s in person or texting), they are not as receptive to physical affection, and have stopped sharing their thoughts and feelings with me, instead deciding to confide in their close friends. It makes me feel shut out. Overall, they seem distant. I don’t know what to do. I love my partner, but the stress from school has me feeling drained and emotionally distant. Could this be something temporary? How do I navigate the stress without letting it damage my relationship?

– Stressed Out and Struggling

Dear Stressed Out and Struggling,

First of all, thank you for reaching out! It sounds like you’re going through a challenging time balancing the pressures of school and your relationship, and I want to assure you that you’re not alone in feeling this way. Stress (from any source, including academics) can have a huge impact on both your emotional and physical well-being—and that includes your desire for intimacy. You’re absolutely right to acknowledge how this stress is affecting your relationship, but it’s important to remember that this is something you can manage.

Stress can take a serious toll on libido. When you’re stressed—whether from school, work, or personal life—your body goes into a state of “fight or flight” mode, which triggers a surge of stress hormones like cortisol. While cortisol is necessary for dealing with immediate threats, high levels of it over time can interfere with the production of other hormones, like estrogen and testosterone, that are crucial for sexual desire. As a result, you might find yourself feeling emotionally and physically drained, with little interest in intimacy.

This response is entirely natural, but it doesn’t make it any easier to navigate, especially when it starts to affect your relationship. When you’re overwhelmed, your energy and focus naturally go toward surviving the pressure, leaving little room for sexual desire or even emotional connection.

The emotional strain caused by academic stress can also influence your interactions with your partner. When you’re constantly stressed, it can be hard to be present in your relationship. You might find it more difficult to communicate openly, feel less affectionate, or even shut down emotionally. This can understandably lead to feelings of frustration or rejection from your partner, which, in turn, can worsen your stress and create a negative feedback loop.

One of the main things you can do is to communicate proactively with your partner. Honest communication about how you’re feeling can help your partner understand what you’re going through. By discussing your feelings, you can reduce the potential for misunderstandings and open up a dialogue on how to support each other during stressful times. Be clear about what your partner can do to support you, and ask if they are willing.

For example, if you’re not in the mood for physical intimacy, that’s completely okay! Instead, focus on building emotional intimacy with your partner. You can discuss with them what might help boost connection. Take time to engage in activities that you both enjoy—whether that’s cuddling, talking, or doing something relaxing together. 

Additionally, it is understandable that you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed in periods of stress. It’s normal for stress to impact your libido, which can impact emotional connection. It can be helpful to openly discuss with your partner about what you need, whether that is talking more often, holding space for sensitive topics, or setting boundaries for your relationship. Participating in these acts are important forms of self-care. It is good that you are already noticing signs like feeling disinterested in communication. Continue to monitor your feelings and comfort level during conversations, and give yourself the grace to take care of your mental and physical health. 

Most importantly, you need to find ways to prioritize your own well-being. Even during a busy academic period, it’s important to schedule time for self-care, whether it’s getting enough sleep, eating nourishing food, or taking a few minutes each day to decompress. Regular exercise can also help reduce stress levels and improve mood, which may in turn help you feel more present and relaxed with your partner. Try not to rush through your self-care with productivity in mind, instead allow yourself to truly use practices that serve and center you. 

Remember, your libido is deeply tied to your overall well-being, and when you’re stressed, it’s okay to step back and give yourself time to recharge. By addressing the root causes of your stress, you’ll likely find that your desire for intimacy comes back naturally as you begin to feel more balanced and relaxed. Take care of yourself, and be kind to your body and mind as you work through this challenging time. You’ve got this!

-The Sexpert

Information for this article obtained from RockvilleOBGYN, Journal of Affective Disorders, Kelsey Seybold Clinic.

Communication, Dating, Protective Barriers, Relationships, Sex Positivity, STDs/STIs

Hookup Hopeful: On the Pursuit of Casual Sex

Dear Sexpert,

I’ve realized that I want to pursue something casual and am not looking for a relationship right now. While I’ve had some hookups, I haven’t found a consistent situation that works for me. I know that finding something casual can be difficult, but at the end of the day I know it is what I want. How can I approach this in a healthy manner and keep what I want in mind?

– Hookup Hopeful

Dear Hookup Hopeful,

It’s great that you’ve come to know yourself well enough to realize that a casual relationship is truly what is best at the moment. Being self-aware of your own wants and needs is one of the fundamental steps involved in seeking out experiences that both feel good and are good for you. 

When engaging in casual sex or intimacy, communication becomes all the more crucial  in finding a partner (or partners) and maintaining a healthy, respectful relationship. Before you do anything physical, have an open and honest conversation about expectations, boundaries, and comfort levels. Make sure you and your partner(s) are on the same page about what a casual relationship means, whether it is a one-time thing or an on-going arrangement. Not everyone will share the same definition of “casual,” and different expectations can lead to confusion or hurt feelings. Being honest about your desires and listening to what the other person wants creates a zone for mutual understanding and respect. It’s perfectly okay if this conversation is uncomfortable to have, as learning how to discuss sex and boundaries in open terms is often a skill we are not taught, and thus, need to learn.

When engaging in casual sex, taking care of your sexual health is as important as  your emotional boundaries. Getting regular sexually transmitted infection (STI) tests is also a responsible self-care measure you can take to protect yourself and your partner(s), even if you have no signs of concern. Many STIs, including chlamydia and gonorrhea, may remain asymptomatic but can have permanent health effects if left untreated. Other STIs, including syphilis and herpes, are also common and can be transmitted through oral sex or skin-to-skin contact. Prevention of HIV is also a high priority, and  having protection and researching preventative options like PrEP can prevent transmission. Remember that protection doesn’t just mean external and internal condoms– dental dams and other barrier methods also reduce risks from oral sex. University Health Services offers STI testing as well as regular exams to support your sexual and reproductive healthcare needs.

Keep in mind that risks will depend on the kind of sexual activity you and your partners are engaging in (and not just with each other). Having a conversation with your partner about whether either of you are having sex with other people, and using barrier methods or other forms of prevention, is another important discussion to promote health and safety. Taking responsibility for your health not only makes you healthy, but it’s also respectful and caring of your partners’ health.

Another aspect to keep in mind is how these casual hookups are initiated. Not always, but often “hookups” commonly occur in the setting of eating clubs, pre-games, and parties in which substances (such as alcohol or other drugs) are present. These substances can impair decision-making, impact attention to interpersonal cues, and challenge clear consent. You should check in with yourself and your partner(s) to ensure that you and they are able to consent. If you ever are unsure if someone is in the right state of mind to give consent or if you are being pressured and feel uncomfortable, it’s always better to back out of the situation. Hookup culture can be exciting, but physical and emotional safety always comes first.

Lastly, remember that feelings change with time, and that is completely normal. What feels right for you now might evolve as you continue to explore your likes and reflect upon experiences. You could start out wanting something casual and find that you require something deeper, or you might feel more certain that a casual relationship is ultimately what you want. Your partners have similar autonomy to change their feelings, so open discussion is required to navigate through changes. Check in with yourself regularly and have honest conversations with your partner(s), if something starts to feel different. If the relationship is no longer what you want or if your partner shows a change in feelings, being respectful and direct about it will make it easier for both of you. Casual sex, as with any other form of intimacy, is a two-way street, and should be comfortable for everyone involved.

Casual sex can be a positive and enjoyable experience when approached with honesty, awareness, and sensitivity. By making clear communication your priority, practicing safe sex, being mindful of hookup culture dynamics, and being open to change, you can create experiences that fit what you desire. Whatever path you take, make sure it’s one that centers your well-being and is respectful of those you engage with.

You got this!

– The Sexpert

Information for this article obtained from Sexual Harassment/Assault Advising, Resources, and Education (SHARE), UMatter, and University Health Services (UHS).

Communication, Relationships, STDs/STIs

PrEParing Partner: PrEPping for your relationship

Dear Sexpert,

I’ve started to see a guy, and I’ve been struggling to talk to him about the possibility of me or both of us going on PrEP. I myself haven’t had former sexual partners, and he claims he hasn’t had sexual partners since he was last tested, but we aren’t yet exclusive in our relationship. I’m worried that going on PrEP — or suggesting he do so also — will breach trust in our relationship, but I also want to prioritize safety. 

— PrEParing Partner

Hi PrEParing Partner, 

It’s normal to have concerns and questions about using PrEP and discussing your use of it with your partner. Taking PrEP (like other preventative medications) is an indication of investment in your — and your partner’s — health, not a barometer of your trust. Hopefully with a little preparation (pun intended) and well-timed conversation, you can prioritize safety for both of you! 

First, let’s discuss what PrEP is. PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) is a prescription medication that reduces the risk of getting human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) from sex by 99 percent when taken properly. It is intended for HIV-negative individuals and available in oral pill-form, Descovy and Truvada, and a bimonthly injection, Apretude. The latter two of these options have been approved for individuals with vaginas in addition to individuals with penises. These drugs block the enzyme HIV needs to replicate in the body, reducing the risk of contracting the virus when used as prescribed. 

PrEP could be worth exploring if:

  1. You’re in a serodiscordant relationship, meaning one partner is HIV-positive and the other is negative. 
  2. One or more partners engage in activities that increase HIV transmission risks, such as having multiple sexual partners, lack of or inconsistent condom use, and sharing needles. 
  3. You do not know a partner’s HIV status. 

Before starting oral PrEP, patients get an HIV test. Patients either take PrEP as one tablet per day for seven days before contact and every day following as needed, or immediately before having sex — a method called “on-demand.” Taking oral PrEP requires a visit to a healthcare provider every 3 months for HIV testing, prescription refills, and a follow-up; for injectable PrEP (Apretude), patients will need to see a provider for their first injection. They receive another injection in one month, returning every two months for testing and the injection.

Sexual health appointments, sexually transmitted infection (STI) testing, and barrier methods such as condoms are available through Sexual Health and Wellness at University Health Services. Remember that if you and/or your partner decide to go on PrEP, it is only effective against HIV; condoms should be used to lower the risk of contracting other STIs. Consistent condom use and regular testing are essential to ensuring sexual health. 

Sharing what you’ve learned about PrEP can be a productive way to frame your conversation with your partner. You will want to emphasize shared responsibility, collaboration, and trust in your discussion. Start by finding a good time and place to discuss this where your conversation won’t feel rushed or distracted. Lead with your feelings and invite his perspective on exploring PrEP together. 

Be prepared to reassure him that your interest in PrEP stems from a desire to protect yourself and him, not from mistrust. Taking PrEP is about taking care of each other, and it does not suggest a high-risk lifestyle for either partner. Rather, it serves as an additional tool for promoting sexual health, just like using condoms.  

Be prepared, too, to discuss any barriers to accessing PrEP, such as cost or time. The Student Health Plan (SHP) insurance covers emtricitabine/tenofovir (generic Truvada) and Apretude (injectable PrEP) at no cost to students. Other insurances may not cover every PrEP option, or a co-pay may be needed, so speak to your insurance provider to find out more information. Keep in mind that consistently taking the daily pill without missing doses and committing to routine testing and check-ups may be difficult lifestyle adjustments at first. But with time and tricks to help create a routine (e.g., calendar reminders, app tracking), keeping up with PrEP can easily become second-nature.

If your partner is fully supportive of your decision to begin treatment with PrEP, great! You can discuss next steps and work through solutions to any remaining concerns or issues accessing the drug and maintaining the regimen. If he’s hesitant, you might provide more resources, or suggest you see a healthcare provider together to learn more. If he resists or dismisses your concerns, consider your own values. Just remember that protecting your health is paramount. 

— The Sexpert

Information in this article obtained from University Health Services,HIV.gov and Healthline.

Communication, Contraception, Pregnancy, Relationships

Mistake Maker: Establishing boundaries in friendship

Dear Sexpert,

Last weekend, I hooked up with my friend, and now things are super awkward since they want to keep seeing each other. I really value this friendship, but I’m not looking for anything more right now and just want to be friends. How do I navigate this situation without ruining our friendship? 

— Mistake Maker 

Dear Student,

Navigating a friendship after a sexual encounter can definitely be challenging. It is natural to think that you may want “more,” and then eventually realize that you want a relationship to be platonic — or vice versa. Since you seem to be clear on what you do want (i.e., just friends), it is important to effectively and respectfully communicate with your friend, and do so soon. Leaving things unsaid or not engaging in an honest discussion can hurt your friendship.  

Before having that conversation, make sure you are certain about what you want. Sex involves feelings. Intimacy from physical touch or emotional connection triggers the hormone oxytocin, which can lead to feelings of attachment, even if unintended. It is normal to feel confused by conflicting emotions.

To address things with your friend, start by acknowledging what happened, and be reassuring. For example, you might say something like “Hey, I’ve been thinking about what happened last weekend, and I wanted to talk about it because I really value our friendship and I wouldn’t want anything to jeopardize that.” 

Clearly communicating how you feel about the situation is crucial, but so is making sure that you are not intentionally hurtful. Try to balance making it clear that you aren’t looking for anything more at this moment with the importance of your friendship. Emphasize that your feelings about the friendship haven’t changed and that you’d like to continue hanging out as friends. Be sure to give them space to share their feelings as well, and understand that it might take a bit of time before the friendship feels completely normal. 

While it may not be ideal to you, ease into the idea that maintaining your friendship may not be possible. Process through those feelings on your own or with a neutral party, such as a counselor. Just as you expect them to respect your wishes to just be friends, you may have to accept their disappointment or desire to no longer be friends. 

Hopefully, you engaged in safer sex by using contraception and/or barrier methods. If not, there are still ways to maintain your sexual health and wellness. 

Let’s say you did practice safer sex by using contraception and/or barrier methods, remember that even with protection, maintaining regular sexual health check-ups is still important! Consistent testing and communication are key to staying informed about your status and ensuring your long-term health and wellness. While it is better to have conversations related to sexual health before engaging in sexual activities, you can know your status and reduce the spread of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) by getting tested. STI testing recommendations vary and depend on multiple factors, including behavioral and identity-based risks. 

Finding out more about whether you need testing is a smart decision, and you should not feel embarrassed about it. Your MyUHS online portal features an online STI screening program for asymptomatic testing, designed to include evidence-based educational information and enable you to make an informed decision about the type of testing you wish to pursue. It also lets you schedule collection at a time that is convenient for you. Additionally, this testing is confidential, so you do not have to be concerned with other individuals, such as your family, finding out from UHS.

Depending on whether pregnancy prevention is a relevant concern, if you did not use contraception or remain uncertain, you and/or your friend are likely outside of the window of emergency contraception being effective. Pregnancy testing is also available at UHS. If you’d like to discuss ongoing contraception options that provide reliable protection without requiring preparation each time, consider meeting with a Sexual Health and Wellness clinician at UHS. They can help you find the method that best fits your needs and lifestyle, ensuring you feel informed and confident in your choice.

Lastly, if you both decide to maintain the friendship, it would benefit you to discuss boundaries moving forward. Will you discuss your romantic or sexual relationships with one another? What types of physical touch are okay? Maybe ease back into the friendship in group social settings only, rather than one-on-one. Depending on the circumstances of the initial hookup, try to avoid similar circumstances.

Good luck with honoring your needs and wants in your conversation, and remember to respect your friend’s feelings as well while navigating this sensitive situation. 

— The Sexpert

Information provided by University Health Services and Harvard Health. 

Communication, Dating, Relationships, Sex Positivity

Apprehensive Adventurer: Sexual exploration in a relationship

Dear Sexpert,

My partner has asked me if I would ever engage in roleplay and sex that includes “tying me up.” I’ve never done anything like that before and could be open to the idea, but feel weird and kind of dirty for wanting to try it. I don’t want to make my partner feel bad by being hesitant, but at the same time, I don’t want to rush into anything without being completely sure that I want to do it. How do I handle this situation?

— Apprehensive Adventurer 

Dear Apprehensive Adventurer,

Thank you for opening up about how you’re feeling. Rest assured, you’re not alone in feeling apprehensive. Trying new things sexually can be exciting and fun but may require you to step outside of your comfort levels. It’s good that you are being mindful of your boundaries and taking care of yourself by only agreeing to engage in activities that you are ready to pursue. Most importantly, as with any sexual behavior, it should be mutually consensual, with consent being:

  • Freely given (without coercion or manipulation, not given while incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, and not asleep or unconscious) 
  • Reversible (able to be revoked at any point)
  • Informed (through dialogue and mutual decision-making) 
  • Enthusiastic (verbal and non-verbal cues that are affirmative, e.g., saying “yes”, head nodding, etc.)
  • Specific (detailed and limited to determined activities)

This means that if you decide to try role play or bondage activities, you are having open and on-going communication with your partner, and you can change your mind at any point. 

Feeling hesitant about trying something new is completely normal! So is being intrigued by sexual exploration and wanting to engage in fantasy. In fact, it’s so common that there is a classification of main themes related to sexual fantasy. Although the possibilities are endless, a 4,000+ person, 350 question survey in 2018 conducted by sex educator Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., found that there are seven main fantasy themes when it comes to sexual imagination. It sounds like what your partner is suggesting falls into the category of power and control. (Important to note: Engaging in power and control or other BDSM behaviors is never an excuse for causing violence or harm — it requires explicit consent.)

Feel free to research this category on informal websites like Scarleteen or Bedsider — it might help you feel less “weird” or “dirty” for exploring your sexual imagination. Sexual shame can come from societal influences or cultural norms and often functions as a barrier to authentic self-expression. Yet once again, don’t feel pressure to partake in an activity simply because other people are doing it, or because your partner suggests it. Take the time to reflect on why you feel unsure and validate your own feelings, and explore what, if anything, would make you feel more certain about trying something new.

When talking about experimenting sexually with your partner, remember that clear and constant communication is key. Be honest with your partner about feeling tentative. And if you do decide to experiment with power and control, establish a safe word to ensure that you have an easy and quick way to communicate what you need in the moment. Go slow! There’s no rush, and remember that you can always change your mind at any point. You may also want to build in time for debrief or a conversation afterwards, so you can continue discussing what you both liked, didn’t like, or would want to do differently in the future. 

Having a sexual imagination or feeling sexual desire is no reason to feel ashamed! Just make sure that you are establishing clear communication with your partner, and acting in a way that is consensual and respectful of both of your boundaries. 

Bon Voyage!

—The Sexpert

Communication, Masturbation, Relationships, Sex Positivity, Sex Toys

Eager Explorer: Navigating curiosity, sex, and self-discovery

Dear Sexpert,

I’m starting my first year here, and everything feels so new and exciting — especially when it comes to dating and sex. I’ve never really explored my sexuality before, but now I’m meeting new people, and I feel excited to try new things. I’m curious about toys, protection, and different types of intimacies. I’m also questioning my sexual orientation and gender identity, and I want to have the space to explore that. Is this normal? How do I know what’s right for me without feeling pressured or overwhelmed? How do I know I’m choosing the right partner? How do I know I’m making the right decisions regarding my identities? 

–Eager Explorer 

Dear Eager Explorer,

Starting college is a time of immense personal growth, and it’s completely normal to feel both excited and nervous about exploring new aspects of yourself — especially when it comes to sex, intimacy, and identity. You’re not alone in having these feelings. Many students, especially in their first year, are exploring their sexual desires, gender identities, and sexual orientations. For many people, the new environment presents a chance to reinvent yourself and explore new perspectives. It is important to remember that self-exploration is a personal journey, and there’s no definite way to go about it. The key is to take things at your own pace and make decisions that feel authentic to you.

When it comes to exploring your sexuality the most important thing is education. The more informed you are, the more empowered you’ll feel. For example, if pregnancy prevention is a concern, understanding the different types of contraception — like internal and external condoms or birth control methods — and how they protect against pregnancy can allow you to feel confident and prepared to engage in sexual activities. The same is true for barrier methods and testing for sexually transmitted diseases, which lowers the risk of STI transmission. Additionally, you can always make an appointment with a Sexual Health and Wellness (SHAW) provider through MyUHS to discuss different contraceptives or barrier methods more thoroughly and figure out which may be best for you.  

Similarly, experimenting with toys can ensure your safety when exploring your own anatomy, sexual desires and boundaries, either alone or with a partner. Check out this past Sexpert article to learn more about how to explore self-pleasure.

Furthermore, sexual orientation and gender identity are deeply personal aspects of who you are, and they can evolve over time. It’s completely normal to question these aspects of your identity as you grow, and college can be a great time to give yourself the space to do so. Feeling overwhelmed by these new experiences is also common, especially considering such new possibilities intertwined with the pressure to figure everything out. What’s helpful to know is that there’s no timeline for figuring out your sexual identity or orientation, and there’s no “right or wrong” decision to make. Decisions that feel right to you now may shift as you continue to grow. The  Gender + Sexuality Resource Center (GSRC) has various online educational guides that may help guide you through exploring and understanding different gender identities and sexual orientations. You can also connect with professional staff, student staff and peer educators, or student groups coordinated through the GSRC. Give yourself the grace to explore without pressure to define anything and know that there’s no need to fit yourself into any discrete category.

When exploring sexual experiences, communication and consent are essential. Talk openly with your partner(s) about what you’re comfortable with and what you’d like to try. This “How I Like It Inventory” can assist you in your self-reflection and even how you communicate your needs and wants. The right partner should respect your boundaries, listen to your needs, and make you feel safe. Trust your gut — if someone makes you feel uneasy, it’s important to listen to those instincts. Remember, consent is ongoing, so you can always change your mind about anything you’re not comfortable with, no matter what you’ve agreed to in the past. When it comes to navigating your sexual orientation and gender identity, take your time. It can be helpful to find supportive communities, either on campus or online, where you can explore these questions without judgment.

The Gender + Sexuality Resource Center (GSRC), located on the second floor of the Frist Campus Center, has many resources for students. They provide contraceptives, have peer educators, and hold numerous events throughout the academic year which can be a great place to meet other students. Seeking community amongst students who may be going through similar experiences can help you reflect on your feelings and better understand who you are and what feels right for you.

If you ever feel overwhelmed or just want to talk things through, you can always reach out to University Health Services (UHS). Whether you’re interested in speaking with a counselor at CPS, getting more information about sexual health and contraception, or exploring gender-affirming care, the resources on campus are here to support you. Remember, there’s no rush to figure everything out right now. College is about exploring and learning — not just in the classroom but also about yourself. Take it one step at a time, and don’t be afraid to seek out support whenever you need it!

— The Sexpert

Information for this article obtained from University Health Services and UMatter.

Communication, Masturbation, Personal Health & Hygiene, Sex Positivity, Sex Toys

Private Pleasure-Seeker: Navigating Self-Pleasure in College

Dear Sexpert,

I’ve been reading here on the Sexpert about the benefits of masturbation, from stress-relief and to being a healthy activity, and I even read about sex toys. My question is though, when or where can I masturbate? I share a double room with a roommate, and we have communal restrooms. My concerns are that: A) it would be weird to bring up the subject to ask for alone time, B) the walls are paper thin, so it may be obvious what I’m doing, and C) where would I wash my sex toy? It may seem quite weird and perhaps even embarrassing to be caught washing a sex toy in the restroom, let alone having to find a place to let it dry in my room.

Thanks, Sexpert!

— Private Pleasure-Seeker

Dear Private Pleasure-Seeker,

Great questions! There are a lot of benefits to masturbation and exploring self-pleasure, but navigating sexual exploration while maintaining privacy can be tricky in shared living conditions. Fortunately, following a certain etiquette will allow you to maintain privacy, while also feeling comfortable to explore sexually. 

Simply put, masturbation should only be done in private places where you can feel comfortable while not creating an uncomfortable environment for others. The only exception is consensual exhibitionism — but that can only take place when all individuals in the space have consented. Therefore, a communal/public restroom is not the best place to engage in sexual pleasure. You can perhaps figure out some time that you know your roommate will be out of the room and you can have alone time. Alternatively, if you feel comfortable, have an open or discrete discussion with your roommate about creating a designated “alone time” in the room for either of you. For example, you can discuss each other’s schedules and plan out some time when you know the other won’t be in the room, or you can compromise certain times blocked out where you or your roommate can get the room to yourselves. Discussions of alone time in the dorm and privacy, regardless of the reason, are completely normal conversations to have with a roommate and can be productive in understanding each other’s comfort zones and needs regarding sharing a living space. 

To maintain privacy and discretion if you’re worried, there are soundless sex toys that may reduce any noise concerns you have. 

Cleaning sex toys after use is important for maintaining your health and safety. Most toys can be surface cleaned — especially if only being used by you — with a mild soap and warm water. You can also purchase cleaning supplies specifically made for sex toys, like a spray, but these often need to be washed off after anyways. Make sure whatever cleaner you are using is compatible with the toy’s materials. Avoid using any products that you would not also put on your skin (e.g., bleach, alcohol, glass cleaner, hydrogen peroxide, and abrasives). There are also ways to be discreet when washing and drying sex toys. For example, you can transport them in some sort of bag and wash them in the shower. When drying, you can wrap it in a towel to dry or leave it to air dry when you know your roommate will be out of the room. At the end of the day, all of this depends on the comfortability between you and your roommate and the level of discretion you two feel comfortable with. 

It’s important to remember that sexual exploration is completely normal and healthy! Conversation is beneficial to come to a consensus with your roommate on boundaries and privacy in the dorm so you can feel comfortable in your sexual journey.

Sincerely,
The Sexpert

Please note that the inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement or recommendation of any particular product or company by The Sexpert.

Photo credit: Morderska, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Communication, Dating, Relationships

Distance Doubter: Long Distance Relationship Over Break

Dear Sexpert,

I’ve recently gotten into a relationship, but with winter break coming up soon, this is the first time my partner and I are going to be apart for more than a week. Fall break and Thanksgiving were fine since we were able to talk to each other nearly every day, but I’m worried that the longer duration of winter break might make things more difficult. How do I navigate a long-distance relationship?

-Distance Doubter

Dear Distance Doubter,

Heading into a long-distance relationship can change your typical dynamic slightly, but it doesn’t have to be a negative experience. In fact, you can learn a lot about yourself and your relationship from long distance. In terms of navigating long-distance relationships, the first thing to note is that communication truly is key. I would advise trying to start a conversation with your partner now about expectations for each other during your time apart. If you’re feeling nervous or anxious about this, you can bet they are too. Some potential things to talk about include: how frequently you plan on talking, both through text and on the phone; how you will juggle communicating during busier times (e.g., family or other obligations like Princeternships, volunteering, shadowing, etc.), on completely unavailable times/days, or when you’ll be spending time with friends; or how you’ll maintain intimacy. For example, you may want to discuss access to private spaces, and what you would both feel comfortable doing together. However, remember that things may change and people can change their minds. The options for virtual intimacy are endless, but it really depends on the specific dynamics of your relationship, and it’s important to remember that consent is still important. This means that you always want to check in with your partner; never send any unsolicited pictures, videos, or texts. Ease into things, and make sure you are mindful about the space you’re in (e.g., you’d never want a coworker to look over your shoulder and see private messages). 

It’s also important to know that it might not be realistic for you and your partner to talk every day, like you did during fall and Thanksgiving break, especially if you’re in different time zones. And that’s okay! But this might require both sides to intentionally make more time for each other in order to enable ease and frequency of communication. Virtual dates are a great way to do this. Some virtual date ideas could include: watching a movie or show together (there are several platforms that let you both watch the same thing remotely, some even have chats if you can’t be on call together), playing games together (find some virtual escape rooms or multiplayer online games!), sending each other a surprise meal through a delivery service and having a video dinner date, or taking online quizzes together during a call. Try to remain flexible with any changes as you both settle into your winter break schedules and routines.

Some of your fear may stem from how to deal with disagreements that might arise during a period of long distance, and that’s a valid fear to have. Disagreements over text can easily escalate because tone and messages can be easily misinterpreted. Sometimes a well-meaning text can be read as aggressive. A good way to combat miscommunication is to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and always assume that they have the best intentions at heart. If you’re ever in doubt, just ask them! You can also make sure you’re taking the time to listen intentionally to your partner and not multitasking while talking. When you’re not able to immediately participate in a discussion, let them know that you want to wait until you can fully dedicate yourself to listening to them. Additionally, when in a disagreement, make sure to communicate how you’re feeling and how you want the message to come across. It’s also important to remember to respond to situations rather than react. This can mean that sometimes you take a step back from a conversation or take some time before beginning a discussion or sending a response. The expectation for a relationship should not be to never have a disagreement, but to make sure that when one arises both of you are being heard, being respectful of each other’s feelings and opinions, and learning and growing from that specific moment.

Overall, long-distance relationships don’t have to be scary! You’ll probably miss your partner a lot, but setting up expectations before you leave for winter break and agreeing to have completely-open communication during your time apart are important steps. Some of these conversations might be difficult or even awkward to bring up, but once you begin one part of the conversation, the rest of the experience becomes a lot easier!

Sincerely,
The Sexpert

Information for this article provided by UMatter, Well + Good, NPR, and Psych Central.

Communication, Dating, Personal Health & Hygiene, Protective Barriers, STDs/STIs

Flavorful Fluid: Addressing health concerns regarding oral sex

Dear Sexpert,

Things are getting kind of hot and heavy with this guy I’m seeing. We’ve only made out so far, but I have recently been thinking about trying oral sex. I’m worried about the taste of my bodily fluids. I’ve heard pineapple juice might help oral sex be more enjoyable for the giver: Is this true?

— Flavorful Fluid

Dear Flavorful Fluid,

Thank you for reaching out with your question! It’s completely normal to have questions and occasional insecurities about our bodies when it comes to sexual experiences, especially new ones. Regarding any type of sexual activity, including oral sex, it’s important to reflect on your personal wants and needs and to have open and respectful communication with your partner(s).

Oral sex encompasses a range of activities: cunnilingus, the oral stimulation of the vulva; fellatio, the oral stimulation of a penis; or anilingus, colloquially called “rimming”, oral stimulation of the anus. It’s common for the person giving oral sex to encounter various tastes and sensations as every body has its own unique flavor profile, and it can change depending on many variables — including diet, hydration, supplements or medications, hygiene, or infection. As for your question about pineapple juice, there’s a belief that consuming pineapple juice may make penile and vaginal secretions taste “better” — less bitter —, though it’s important to understand that many factors contribute to these tastes. Penile secretions are slightly alkaline, with a pH ranging between 7.1 and 8, which can lead to a slightly bitter taste. On the other hand, vaginal secretions are slightly acidic, with a pH between 3.8 and 4.5, resulting in a tangy taste. Your diet plays a significant role in the flavor of any bodily fluid, whether it be saliva, sweat, urine, seminal, or vaginal fluid.  For example, foods such as garlic, onions, dairy, red meat, smoking, and alcohol can contribute to a more “bitter” taste. In the case of penile secretions, sugary liquids or foods, such as pineapple juice, can alter the fructose and glucose content, making them less alkaline and potentially less “bitter.” The taste of vaginal secretions is also strongly affected by the menstrual cycle. During menstruation, the presence of blood may give a “metallic” taste, while during ovulation, the release of cervical mucus can result in a “muskier” taste. In addition to diet, being on medications, such as antibiotics, or having an infection affect your pH levels, and impact your natural smell and taste. 

Let’s also address this message that bodies and bodily secretions should taste or smell like something other than what they are. This strategy, used to sell products that promise to mask your natural scent or unique flavor, contributes to feelings of shame or insecurity about our naturally-existing bodies. Practicing general hygiene, like taking regular showers, wiping after using the bathroom, and wearing proper-fitting, breathable, clean underwear should ensure that your unique taste is natural. If your partner(s) makes comments about not liking your taste or uses it as an excuse to not give oral sex, a conversation might be in order. Together, with open communication, you can hopefully come up with creative and mutually-pleasing solutions.

It is also important to note that engaging in oral sex comes with risk for sexually transmitted infections (STI), like gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes, etc. To reduce risk, use a dental dam — a sheet of latex or polyurethane placed over the anus or vulva — to prevent skin-to-skin contact during cunnilingus or anilingus, or an external condom during fellatio. Condoms, dental dams, and water-based lube can come in different flavors, which can make things more exciting —chocolate mint, anyone? — and cover the taste of latex while simultaneously reducing risks. Many STIs are asymptomatic, meaning you can spread an STI without knowing it, so the best option is for you to use barrier methods, and/or get screened for STIs with your partner(s) and s hare your results with one another. You can do self-directed STI testing through UHS, since you are asymptomatic, or you can make an appointment with Sexual Health and Wellness at UHS through your MyUHS online portal.

Ultimately, personal preferences and sexual experiences can vary widely. Open and honest communication with your partner, respect for each other’s boundaries, and consent in all activities are most important. If your partner notices a change and brings it up in a considerate manner, it’s an opportunity to have a conversation about your well-being. However, if you find yourself in a situation where your partner constantly makes disparaging comments or uses this as an excuse to avoid certain activities, it’s important to prioritize your own self-respect and comfort. Partners should approach these topics with empathy and respect for each other. 

Warm regards,
The Sexpert

Information obtained from Healthline, National Library of Medicine, Men’s Health, University Health Services, and Mayo Clinic.

Communication, Dating, Protective Barriers, Relationships, Sex Positivity

Uncertain Underclassmen: Approaching hook-up culture on campus

Dear Sexpert,

Throughout my first few weeks on campus, it seems like everyone is focused on hooking up during nights out. I’ve never done anything like that before, but I feel kind of pressured to start. Hooking up wasn’t really big among my friends back home and my health class only discussed abstinence. Plus, my parents usually just avoided any sex-related conversations altogether. I don’t want my new friends to think that I’m weird or anything for staying on the sidelines though. Should I just go for it already? 

— Uncertain Underclassman

Dear Uncertain Underclassman,

Your worries are completely valid — and more common than you might think. Adjusting to the new social environment on campus, even for upperclassmen/returning students, can be overwhelming. Before jumping to any conclusions about what others are doing, you might want to ask what your friends really mean by “hooking up.” The term can mean anything from making out to engaging in vaginal or anal sex. Try not to let social pressures — even from your new friends — cloud your judgment on intimate matters. Of course, separating yourself from the perceived norms on campus is no easy task. Still, regardless of what your friends or peers are doing, the decision to start exploring physical intimacy — i.e., any form of sensuous contact — ultimately resides with you.

It’s important to understand that what you may see or hear about sex on campus is likely not an accurate representation of what’s “normal.” Those who are not engaging in sexual activity tend to be less vocal about that choice than their sexually active peers are. Our data suggest that the percentage of students not engaging in oral, vaginal, or anal intercourse is higher than those who do. Only 27.4% of current freshmen arriving on campus have ever had sex, according to The Daily Princetonian’s 2026 frosh survey. Based on the ACHA-NCHA III Spring 2023 survey of undergraduate students in the United States, 39 percent have never engaged in oral sex, 44 percent have never engaged% in vaginal, and 84 percent have never engaged% in anal. Therefore, whether or not you choose to participate in sexual activity, your behavior will certainly not be outside of the norm. 

Oftentimes, you’ll hear that you should wait to engage in physical intimacy until “the time is right.” Unfortunately, that timing can be very difficult to discern and is influenced by many factors. Luckily, you’ve already gotten off to a great start by simply taking the time to think about whether “the time is right” for you. Reflecting on what you’re comfortable with and setting personal boundaries while level-headed can help prevent getting swept up in the moment — especially when under the influence or caught up in the excitement of a night out. It’s easier to make a decision about engaging in physical intimacy when you can rationally weigh the options, rather than going on an impulse or giving in to social pressure. 

The start of college is a great time to iron out your values as an individual — and that goes for your sexual life too. When deciding whether or not you’d like to engage in physical intimacy, try to separate how you actually feel from all of the external forces in your life. Consider yourself in relation to your familial upbringing, cultural norms, and spiritual values — all of which can play an important role in your decision. If relevant, the chaplains at the Office of Religious Life can serve as  helpful resources for navigating your sex life from a religious perspective. For more support in exploring sexual identity, you can also connect with staff or peer educators at the Gender + Sexuality Resource Center. At the end of the day, whatever decision you make about choosing to engage in sexual activity is not binding in any way; it’s simply a way to take stock of your boundaries and expectations as you start this new chapter.

Once you sort out where you stand among these diverse influences, the next step is communication. You should always be upfront with potential romantic or sexual partners about your boundaries and goals for intimacy, and respect theirs. A helpful tool is the “How I Like It” Inventory. You can fill it out to explore for yourself, and/or have your partner fill it out; comparing results can help you to find what you want to do together. Making your expectations well known and communicating with your partner about your level of experience in sex, ahead of time, can prevent misunderstandings and feeling pressured down the line. Moreover, make sure to continue having these discussions throughout your interactions because boundaries and desires can easily fluctuate. 

Finally, if you do decide to begin exploring physical intimacy, make sure you do so safely. Use an appropriate barrier method such as a condom (external or internal), dental dam, or finger cot to prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If engaging in penile-vaginal sex, use a reliable contraception method to prevent any unwanted pregnancies. Condoms, birth control, STI testing, and sexual health appointments are all available through Sexual Health and Wellness at University Health Services. Ultimately, your first semester at college can be an exciting time of self and sexual discovery,  so make sure you stay safe and healthy while exploring your boundaries.

Best of luck! 

— The Sexpert

Information for this article is provided by the American College Health Association’s National College Health Assessment III, Daily Princetonian, and University Health Services.

Communication, Masturbation, Relationships

Sincere Survivor: Finding Intimacy After Trauma

Content warning: The following column contains references to sexual assault. If you or a friend have experienced sexual misconduct and are in need of assistance, Princeton has a number of resources that may be of use. You can also reach SHARE, Princeton’s Sexual Harassment/Assault Advising, Resources and Education service at 609-258-3310. 

Dear Sexpert, 

I feel safe and respected by my partner, but my past experience with sexual assault has made it so that I have trouble focusing during sex. I find it pleasurable, but I cannot orgasm. I have disclosed to my partner that I am a survivor, and they’ve been understanding and patient. Lately, I’ve been feeling pressure from them to orgasm, but I don’t want to fake it. Just because I don’t reach an orgasm doesn’t mean that I’m not enjoying being intimate with them. I’m so confused.   

— Sincere Survivor

Dear Sincere Survivor, 

Dealing with intimacy can be a delicate topic in any case, not only between you and your partner, but for yourself as well. Layering on the complex feelings, both physical and emotional, experienced by many survivors rarely makes things simpler. Navigating intimacy after assault, harassment, or other harm can be a confusing and variable process, as you’ve observed, but it’s not one you are alone in. Many people have explored and shared what has been helpful for them, which we will discuss a bit here, but at the same time, only you can decide what does and doesn’t work for your body, mind, and desires. 

Sex and sexual assault are not the same things, and it can take time for your body and mind to understand the different experiences and sensations since the trauma caused by an assault can actually change the way your brain reacts or how it associates sex. It is possible that you might feel ready to move on from your assault in one moment and experience flashbacks or activations in another, making it seem like you’ve taken a step back in your healing journey. No one’s experience is the same, but it is not uncommon for survivors of sexual assault to dissociate (which is often described as feeling detached from one’s body) during sex when activated by a smell, sound, touch, etc. This can make it challenging to experience or focus on pleasure. 

One helpful approach, if you would like to try it, might be to focus on solo sex or masturbation. It can also help you to reclaim your body on your terms and under your control. This can be a great way to explore your likes, dislikes, and activations without the pressure of another person’s timeline or expectations. You can even document activations, body sensations, and emotions that you experience during solo sex, so you can find what is pleasurable and safe for you.

When talking about the idea of pleasure vs. orgasm, a common shorthand is to use these terms interchangeably. This association supports a checklist-oriented mentality, which can contribute to individuals putting their sexual goals (i.e., orgasm) above others’, and supports an attitude that may uphold violence. For most people, it is possible — and not atypical — to experience pleasure during intimacy without reaching orgasm. However, this “pleasure equals orgasm” shorthand can often result in pressure to reach orgasm during sex. In your case, it sounds like you are feeling pressure to orgasm from your partner. This may come from a variety of causes — perhaps they themself have the desire to orgasm frequently and assume you have a similar one, or perhaps they worry that the joint sexual experiences aren’t bringing you pleasure at all, or it could be something else entirely. You might currently have some insight into their thought process, but gaining clarification on their thinking may be helpful for your confusion and could give you an opportunity to share your own thoughts too. 

Communicating with your partner, whether it be verbal and independent from intimate moments or any other situation which you deem fit, is an important step towards not only creating a stronger relationship but in making sure that your voice is heard. Find a time and place to chat where you both feel comfortable in sharing your perspectives and conveying your boundaries. For example, you could let them know that you really enjoy having sex with them and want to continue doing so while taking your own orgasm out of the equation, or you could start by asking if they have any concerns regarding your mutual sex life. It’s completely normal, no matter how close you and your partner may be, to have boundaries during intimacy. Identifying and communicating your boundaries and expectations to your partner and hearing about theirs is an essential, though not always easy, step in any sexual relationship, but it may be particularly relevant for yours. 

This can be a very challenging, stressful, and delicate topic, but there are many resources available to help you through it. Some resources are intended to be long-term, while others are shorter-term and often more immediate. Likewise, some resources are confidential, and others are private – both of which you may find useful when you are preparing for your conversation with your partner and afterward. If you are looking for more professionally-oriented support, consider connecting with clinicians in the SHARE office or Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) (confidential), or chaplains in the Office of Religious Life (confidential). SHARE Peers or Peer Health Advisers (private, non-confidential) may be an option if you feel more comfortable speaking with peers. (Note: SHARE Peers are only non-confidential because they let the SHARE office know that you spoke with them. You can request that the SHARE Peer keep your identity anonymous, and just the general details will be shared.) For off-campus options, you could connect with Womanspace, a support and counseling resource that serves all survivors and their families in Mercer County. It is normal to feel anxious when accessing new resources or even talking to friends about this challenging topic.

I hope you know that whatever you are feeling is valid and that you are worthy of comfort, support, and safety. Hopefully, this information can help make intimacy with your partner enjoyable, both for you and them, and take off the pressure of orgasming. Remember that we are all here to support you. 

Sincerely,  
The Sexpert

Communication, Relationships

Bloody Wary: Non-menstrual Vaginal Bleeding

Dear Sexpert,

My boyfriend and I have never had sex, but we do a lot of other stuff, and one such act is fingering. Though he had just used his one finger most of the time, on one occasion he tried using two fingers, and just after a few seconds I saw that his finger was covered with blood. We stopped right there, but there was a very minute level of bleeding along with vaginal discharge, which was clear and liquidy. I am scared as I have no idea what happened, and why I was bleeding.

—Bloody Wary

Dear Bloody Wary, 

Thank you for reaching out! It is great that you and your partner are experimenting with new methods of sexual pleasure. It sounds like there is a good amount of communication, consent, and respect between the two of you, and it’s good to hear that when something unexpected happened, you stopped activities. 

It is natural to be concerned when you notice blood or unusual discharge, as sometimes it can be a sign of an issue. That said, this sounds like nothing to worry about! Vaginal discharge is a natural part of the bodily response in people with a vagina, and it serves a variety of purposes, including lubrication and self-cleaning, which protects against infections. It is common to see discharge during sexual activity as a response to sexual arousal. Abnormal discharge or signs of a potential infection include a strong or foul smell, a thick, chunky consistency, or coloring that is green or yellow. 

Though startling, minute-level bleeding after penetration — either from toys/objects, fingers, or a penis — does not indicate a critical health concern. Blood that appears after fingering is, according to Healthline, “likely normal and the result of minor scratches or cuts in the vagina.” This kind of bleeding, during penetration or afterward, can also be caused by friction due to dryness. Blood can also result from the stretching, wearing, or tearing of the hymen, a thin tissue that frames the vagina. Quick note: Though people sometimes associate hymen tears with sexual penetration or losing one’s virginity, the hymen is worn down over time and can be stretched or torn by non-sexual things like exercise and tampon insertion. For many people, sexual penetration won’t even have an effect on their hymen, and any bleeding is likely the result of one of the other causes mentioned above. 

However, if bleeding extends to a longer period of time, such as a few days, that is a cause for concern, and it would be wise to consult a healthcare professional, such as a Sexual Health and Wellness provider at UHS. They provide a wide range of resources from assisting with birth control options to answering any questions about issues including irregular bleeding and vaginal discharge.

There are some methods that you and your partner can practice to prevent bleeding in the future. For example, your partner could make sure that their fingernails are cut to prevent any cuts to or near the vagina. You can utilize water or silicone-based lubricant before penetration, in addition to waiting until you are sufficiently aroused to engage in penetrative activities. Also, continuing to express any type of discomfort to your partner — like if they hit your cervix or if there’s too much friction — makes sexual activities more enjoyable for the both of you. Overall, remember that sexual exploration should be a source of pleasure for both you and your partner. You can learn a lot about your boyfriend’s and your own preferences, even when things do not turn out the way you expected. If you or your partner experience any health-related worries after sexual activity, do not be afraid to reach out to a healthcare provider for medical advice. 

For future sexual health questions that could use a peer’s perspective, feel free to contact one of the PHAs, and we will be happy to answer your questions or help you get connected to other resources. 

Sincerely,

The Sexpert

Information for this article was obtained from University Health Services, NHS UK, and Healthline.

Communication, Relationships, STDs/STIs

Fearful First-Timer: Managing expectations of doing well in bed

Dear Sexpert,

I’m a virgin, and my new partner is very much not a virgin. I want to have sex with them, but I’m really worried about being a disappointment in bed, and I’m constantly apologizing when we’re together. How can I feel more comfortable and less worried when being physical with them?

— Fearful First-Timer

Dear Fearful First-Timer,

First, it’s important to acknowledge that virginity is a social (and often heteronormative) construct that is narrowly defined. Most colloquially, virginity refers to not having engaged in penetrative sex. But in practice, losing your virginity can mean anything, from engaging in activities involving the genitals for the first time to engaging in sexual activities with a new partner. 

Whatever virginity means to you, it is totally normal to go through feelings of nervousness or anxiety around engaging in something new. Sex is often portrayed idealistically in media, where each partner intuitively knows what to do and how to make their partner or partners feel good (without any communication), and everyone reaches a climax. Especially when one partner has more experience than the other, it is understandable this could create more nerves or pressure that there is some sort of expectation you need to live up to. The truth is, though, that sex is a learning experience, and with each person being different, it may take some experimentation to figure out what sorts of things your sexual partner or partners (and you) like. That is completely normal, and there is no need to apologize for it! 

Sometimes these sorts of anxious feelings or pressures to be perfect in bed can be rooted in the idea that everyone else in college is having sex or knows what they are doing. On Princeton’s campus, there are lots of folks who have not had sex. The ACHA-NCHA III survey conducted at Princeton in 2020 reported that 44 percent of undergraduates had never engaged in oral sex, 53 percent had never engaged in vaginal sex, and 88 percent had never engaged in anal sex. Similarly, according to the The Daily Princetonian’s annual frosh survey, only around 30 percent of incoming students the last three years reported having sex prior to coming to Princeton. You are not the only one going through these first-time experiences, and learning is completely okay!

Other times, worries can arise from uncertainty surrounding the physical experience of sex. Sex doesn’t always happen seamlessly: consider that penetrative vaginal sex may cause discomfort to people with vaginas due to disruption of the hymen. For people with penises, erections aren’t always maintained. And penetrative sex, both anal and vaginal, can also cause discomfort if the body is tense or if there is insufficient lubrication. These (and many other) physical experiences are common and manageable — e.g., plenty of foreplay and lube (if in combination with a condom, use a water based lube!) can help with vaginal or anal lubrication, and keeping tabs on nerves by working on communication can help with erection duration and a more relaxed physical body. Know that tons of people have had sexual experiences that didn’t go perfectly according to plan and have continued on to enjoy pleasurable and fulfilling sex lives. 

The most important thing to do to feel more at ease is to create a space where there is an open line of communication. This means a place where you feel comfortable voicing your feelings, talking through boundaries, etc. This line of communication is important for any sort of sexual activity, whether it’s your first time or your 100th. While having this conversation may sound intimidating, a respectful and supportive partner will be open to these sorts of talks and will want to make sure you feel open to expressing your desires and feelings as well. Have you talked through what your partner’s expectations, hopes, and desires are — and what yours are? Sometimes, when boundaries and feelings around sexual activities are not discussed, ambiguity can generate more nerves. Clearing up any ambiguity can help you feel more comfortable and can make sex more pleasurable. These conversations are best done during a time when you are hanging out and comfortable, rather than in the heat of the moment.

Before engaging in sexual activity, make sure you are looking out for your sexual and reproductive health. The risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI) can be significantly lowered through the use of a barrier method (e.g., external condom, internal condom, dental dam). If getting pregnant is a possibility, be sure to use a contraceptive method as well (note: condoms are the only contraceptive method that reduce risk for STI and pregnancy). For more information on how to properly use any of these barrier methods, here are some tips from the CDC. If you have any other questions regarding sexual or reproductive health, you can make an appointment with a sexual health provider through MyUHS. 

I hope this helped ease some of the nervous feelings surrounding having sex for the first time. Remember that all sex is a learning experience, especially since each person has desires that differ from others’ and that can evolve over time — the learning never stops! The most important thing is to have honest conversations with sexual partners so you can create a space with an open line of communication.

Sincerely,

The Sexpert

Information for this article was obtained from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, The Daily Princetonian’s Annual Frosh Survey, and Princeton’s implementation of the American College Health Association’s National College Health Assessment III.

Communication, Dating, Relationships

porn, relationships, and confusion

Dear Sexpert,

I just found out that my boyfriend prefers a certain type of porn a few months into our relationship. When we first started dating, I asked him and he lied to me repeatedly saying he has never watched porn. What he’s into isn’t bad, but it is different than what I was expecting. Is it a red flag that he lied to me when I asked the first few times?

– Confused Viewer

Dear Confused Viewer,

Watching porn is fairly common, and can be a healthy part of sexuality. Unfortunately, it is also very stigmatized, and many people avoid talking about their habits and views surrounding porn for fear of being judged negatively. Watching porn is common among both people who are single and those who are in relationships; in fact, in a large study of people in relationships, 85% reported watching pornography in the last six months (Psychology Today). Some people who watch porn consider it a part of their sexuality that they would like to share with their partner(s); others consider porn something they like to enjoy only by themselves, or something that should be kept private. Others may also prefer to involve porn in their sexual relationships only after becoming comfortable with other types of sexuality together. How someone chooses to watch and talk about porn, if at all, really depends on the individual’s preferences and comfort level. However, let’s talk more about the dynamics surrounding your and your boyfriend’s interactions with porn.

It seems like what you are most concerned about is not the porn itself, but the fact that he lied to you, and that it might be a bad sign. While it’s ultimately up to you how you assess the fact that he lied, it makes sense to consider the bigger picture and reasons he might have done so. Porn is still considered very taboo in society; people have varying viewpoints on the ethics of porn in general, and especially about specific types of porn or the fetishes/fantasies represented in them. Many people who watch porn don’t talk about it with friends or partners, perhaps because they believe it is something to be kept private or they fear adverse reactions. One possibility is that your boyfriend worried that you would disapprove of his watching porn, and was embarrassed or hesitant to tell you. Something else that might contribute to this is myths about gender surrounding porn. It’s a mistaken common view that porn is something only viewed by men. In fact, in the study of people in relationships, 73% of women (vs 98% of men) had watched porn within the last 6 months (Psychology Today). If you don’t identify as male, the mistaken conception that your gender indicates your interest in porn may have contributed to an assumption on your boyfriend’s part that porn wasn’t something you would be interested in or approve of. Also, porn is notably very different than real life sex. It’s scripted and performed for the enjoyment of the viewer, and very often does not portray realistic (or healthy) sexual encounters. You said the kind of porn he watches is “not what you were expecting”; from that, it sounds like what he is into might not be something that’s part of your current sexual experiences together. It is possible some people, like your boyfriend, might be worried that sharing with you what porn arouses him would seem too different from what you do together sexually. There is a big difference between fantasy and reality; some people’s sexual fantasies are not things they would really want to do in real life. Your boyfriend might have been worried that you might assume he wants your sex life together to be like the porn he watches, or that he wants something different. Finally, it is possible that your boyfriend was worried you might consider his watching porn a violation of the boundaries of your relationship, and hoped to conceal it from you.

With all of these possibilities, and possibly more, it seems like the best thing to do would be to have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. It’s likely that a lot of what led to his lying was miscommunication and mistaken assumptions. An open conversation about porn, your sex life, and your relationship could bring clarity and reassure him that what you most want is that you are both honest with each other. Approaching the conversation with an open mind can assure him that you won’t judge him, and allow you to understand the motivations behind his withholding his porn usage from you. It is up to you from there to decide, ideally in conversation with him, what to do going forward. Lying is never a positive in a relationship, but it is not necessarily a red flag. It might instead be a sign that the two of you need to work on having more open communication. However, if it turns out that he withheld his porn usage from you because he thought you would consider it a violation of your relationship, then this might be a more serious issue to consider and talk about. Lying to avoid acknowledging the breaching of boundaries in your relationship is a red flag. If you do consider watching porn to be a violation of these boundaries, it might be best to clearly establish your boundary and ask him his opinions. Your partner should always respect your boundaries and what you are comfortable with, but porn is often a non-talked-about “gray area”, especially in otherwise monogamous relationships. Being clear with each other on your feelings is important going forward.

Porn can (within limits) be a healthy part of one’s sexuality within any relationship status. However, stigmas against watching porn can often cause feelings of shame that result in a lack of communication surrounding porn, including with one’s partner(s). It is completely reasonable to be upset that your boyfriend lied to you, but it is important to have an honest conversation with him about your feelings surrounding his lying to you, porn, and your relationship. From there, it is up to you to assess with yourself what boundaries to set and changes to make in the future, as well as how you feel about his lying to you once you know why.

Best of luck!

– The Sexpert

Resources:

https://www.bustle.com/p/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-porn-according-to-a-sex-therapist-1 0 248693 (an article about how to talk about porn with your partner, as advised by a sex therapist)