All posts by The Sexpert

Uncategorized

Tentative Top: Dealing with Large Genitalia

Dear Sexpert,

I’m a male with an above-average-sized penis (length and girth), and I find it difficult to become intimate with men because they’re afraid of the pain of getting involved with a penis of that size. It makes me feel wrong during intercourse because it seems like I’m physically harming them. Even though they say they like it, it still feels odd to me. Should I feel this way? I would appreciate any advice.

— Tentative Top

Dear Tentative Top,

Thank you for writing in! It’s good to hear that you are attentive to and considerate of how your partners may be feeling during sex, both emotionally and physically. It’s also really important that you are reflecting upon your own feelings and how it impacts your comfort level. There’s no correct or incorrect way for you to feel about any given sexual act, so if something feels “wrong” to you, exploring modifications and communicating openly with your partners are great ideas. 

It sounds like you have already established a pattern of good communication with your partners, which has allowed you to understand that they’re worried about pain from a large penis. That’s an excellent starting point! Continuing this conversation could be a good opportunity to tell them that you’ve heard their concerns or observed their hesitation or discomfort and that you’re interested in developing a solution together. Letting your partners know that you’re worried about hurting them can help you make a game plan for the next time you have sex; likewise, discussing your own and your partners’ ideas and desires at a time that’s not particularly charged — so not when you’re in bed together — can also aid with communication prior to sex. When you are having sex, starting out slowly and using verbal communication (e.g. asking if you should go faster or slower, or asking if something is comfortable) can ensure you and your partners are on the same page. Communicating your preferred adjustments during sex could also help them feel like they can be straightforward with their thoughts. 

Concerns around penis size are common, especially when it comes to sexual compatibility. A brief anatomy lesson: the average flaccid (not erect) penis is 3.6 inches long and about 3.7 inches in circumference. When erect, the average length is 5.1 inches and average circumference is 4.5 inches. While size can impact comfort during sex, there are many opportunities to be creative with sex to make things more comfortable and pleasurable for all parties involved. For example, there are positions that allow a partner to have more control over depth and pace of penetration, and oral sex could allow a partner to use a hand or a toy to stimulate the shaft of the penis rather than relying on the mouth alone. For anal sex, a partner could use a toy (with a flared base) before penile penetration, which could allow their body to acclimate. Also, the use of a lube can help things go smoothly, and is especially important for anal sex. Since the anus doesn’t self-lubricate, adding lube prevents friction-induced tears and damage, decreasing risk of sexually transmitted infections. However, lube doesn’t preclude the need for a condom; using both together can make for a lower-risk and more pleasurable experience.

Last but not least, know that your concern or discomfort around hurting your partners can impact your ability to enjoy being intimate. If you communicate openly with your partner and try modifications, but are still feeling anxious or distracted during sex, you may want to talk through your concerns with a professional. Whether it is a clinician at Sexual Health and Wellness at UHS, a CPS counselor, or someone off-campus, talking through your concerns can help relieve some anxiety and make things more pleasurable for you. 

Sincerely,

The Sexpert

Information for this article was obtained from University Health Services, Condomania, Sexual Medicine Society of North America, and Healthline.

Communication, Relationships

Bloody Wary: Non-menstrual Vaginal Bleeding

Dear Sexpert,

My boyfriend and I have never had sex, but we do a lot of other stuff, and one such act is fingering. Though he had just used his one finger most of the time, on one occasion he tried using two fingers, and just after a few seconds I saw that his finger was covered with blood. We stopped right there, but there was a very minute level of bleeding along with vaginal discharge, which was clear and liquidy. I am scared as I have no idea what happened, and why I was bleeding.

—Bloody Wary

Dear Bloody Wary, 

Thank you for reaching out! It is great that you and your partner are experimenting with new methods of sexual pleasure. It sounds like there is a good amount of communication, consent, and respect between the two of you, and it’s good to hear that when something unexpected happened, you stopped activities. 

It is natural to be concerned when you notice blood or unusual discharge, as sometimes it can be a sign of an issue. That said, this sounds like nothing to worry about! Vaginal discharge is a natural part of the bodily response in people with a vagina, and it serves a variety of purposes, including lubrication and self-cleaning, which protects against infections. It is common to see discharge during sexual activity as a response to sexual arousal. Abnormal discharge or signs of a potential infection include a strong or foul smell, a thick, chunky consistency, or coloring that is green or yellow. 

Though startling, minute-level bleeding after penetration — either from toys/objects, fingers, or a penis — does not indicate a critical health concern. Blood that appears after fingering is, according to Healthline, “likely normal and the result of minor scratches or cuts in the vagina.” This kind of bleeding, during penetration or afterward, can also be caused by friction due to dryness. Blood can also result from the stretching, wearing, or tearing of the hymen, a thin tissue that frames the vagina. Quick note: Though people sometimes associate hymen tears with sexual penetration or losing one’s virginity, the hymen is worn down over time and can be stretched or torn by non-sexual things like exercise and tampon insertion. For many people, sexual penetration won’t even have an effect on their hymen, and any bleeding is likely the result of one of the other causes mentioned above. 

However, if bleeding extends to a longer period of time, such as a few days, that is a cause for concern, and it would be wise to consult a healthcare professional, such as a Sexual Health and Wellness provider at UHS. They provide a wide range of resources from assisting with birth control options to answering any questions about issues including irregular bleeding and vaginal discharge.

There are some methods that you and your partner can practice to prevent bleeding in the future. For example, your partner could make sure that their fingernails are cut to prevent any cuts to or near the vagina. You can utilize water or silicone-based lubricant before penetration, in addition to waiting until you are sufficiently aroused to engage in penetrative activities. Also, continuing to express any type of discomfort to your partner — like if they hit your cervix or if there’s too much friction — makes sexual activities more enjoyable for the both of you. Overall, remember that sexual exploration should be a source of pleasure for both you and your partner. You can learn a lot about your boyfriend’s and your own preferences, even when things do not turn out the way you expected. If you or your partner experience any health-related worries after sexual activity, do not be afraid to reach out to a healthcare provider for medical advice. 

For future sexual health questions that could use a peer’s perspective, feel free to contact one of the PHAs, and we will be happy to answer your questions or help you get connected to other resources. 

Sincerely,

The Sexpert

Information for this article was obtained from University Health Services, NHS UK, and Healthline.

Masturbation, Personal Health & Hygiene, Sex Toys

Excited Experimenter: Local Sex Shops

Dear Sexpert,

With exams coming up, I was reading about the benefits of sexual pleasure for stress relief. I am interested in getting an “accessory” to help me but am overwhelmed by all of the options out there. Are there any good sex shops near campus? It could really help to be able to narrow down what I am looking for.

– Excited Experimenter

Dear Excited Experimenter,

I am so glad your search included sexual pleasure as a stress relief strategy — it can be a great tool to add to your toolbox, if it works for you! Sexual pleasure, through solo or partnered activities, releases endorphins, dopamine, and oxytocin, and it can reduce cortisol levels to get you feeling good and less stressed, on top of other benefits. While you do not need anything other than yourself to experience pleasure, sometimes toys, oils/lotions, or erotica can help things along.   

Finding decent sex shops can be a daunting task, especially if you aren’t familiar with places beyond campus. To alleviate the discomfort and pressure of exploring individually, below is a compiled list of sex shops around Princeton. It can help to explore factors such as the distance from campus to the store, pricing, the types of products the store sells, etc. to determine which one might be the best fit for you. Some of the stores may not be adult stores, but all sell items related to sexual wellness. One benefit of a store that is more specifically geared towards sexual wellness is they often have knowledgeable staff who can answer your questions and find products to help meet your needs.

  • Lace Silhouettes Lingerie
    • Address: 51 Palmer Square W, Princeton, NJ 08542
    • Distance from campus: 0.3 miles
  • Anthropologie
    • Address: 3535 US-1, Princeton, NJ 08540
    • Distance from campus: 3.8 miles
  • Spencer’s in Quaker Bridge Mall
    • Address: 3320 US-1, Lawrenceville, NJ 08648
    • Distance from campus: 4.6 miles
  • Love Stuff and More
    • Address: 1030 NJ-33, Hamilton Township, NJ 08690
    • Distance from campus: 11.8 miles

Although in-person stores are a great option, you may prefer online stores. Many folks use online stores over brick and mortar stores for a variety of reasons, including privacy, more time to do research on a product, or a wider range of items to choose from. You can order from stores such as Walmart or Amazon and get your item delivered through Frist Campus Center in discreet packaging. Prior to buying the items, it will be helpful to explore the types of products that might best suit you and/or your partner(s). Some additional online stores to purchase items related to sexual wellness include: Babeland, LoveHoney, We-Vibe, Lelo, and PinkCherry.

I hope these resources helped to ease any anxiety or stress surrounding purchasing items for your sexual pleasure. Be sure to read up on how to take care of your new accessory — e.g., proper cleaning, type of lube to use, storage, etc. — based on its materials. 

If you have further questions or concerns, feel free to reach out to contact any of the Peer Health Advisers.

Sincerely,

The Sexpert

Information for this article was obtained from Scarleteen, Planned Parenthood and the International Academy of Sex Research.

Communication, Relationships, STDs/STIs

Fearful First-Timer: Managing expectations of doing well in bed

Dear Sexpert,

I’m a virgin, and my new partner is very much not a virgin. I want to have sex with them, but I’m really worried about being a disappointment in bed, and I’m constantly apologizing when we’re together. How can I feel more comfortable and less worried when being physical with them?

— Fearful First-Timer

Dear Fearful First-Timer,

First, it’s important to acknowledge that virginity is a social (and often heteronormative) construct that is narrowly defined. Most colloquially, virginity refers to not having engaged in penetrative sex. But in practice, losing your virginity can mean anything, from engaging in activities involving the genitals for the first time to engaging in sexual activities with a new partner. 

Whatever virginity means to you, it is totally normal to go through feelings of nervousness or anxiety around engaging in something new. Sex is often portrayed idealistically in media, where each partner intuitively knows what to do and how to make their partner or partners feel good (without any communication), and everyone reaches a climax. Especially when one partner has more experience than the other, it is understandable this could create more nerves or pressure that there is some sort of expectation you need to live up to. The truth is, though, that sex is a learning experience, and with each person being different, it may take some experimentation to figure out what sorts of things your sexual partner or partners (and you) like. That is completely normal, and there is no need to apologize for it! 

Sometimes these sorts of anxious feelings or pressures to be perfect in bed can be rooted in the idea that everyone else in college is having sex or knows what they are doing. On Princeton’s campus, there are lots of folks who have not had sex. The ACHA-NCHA III survey conducted at Princeton in 2020 reported that 44 percent of undergraduates had never engaged in oral sex, 53 percent had never engaged in vaginal sex, and 88 percent had never engaged in anal sex. Similarly, according to the The Daily Princetonian’s annual frosh survey, only around 30 percent of incoming students the last three years reported having sex prior to coming to Princeton. You are not the only one going through these first-time experiences, and learning is completely okay!

Other times, worries can arise from uncertainty surrounding the physical experience of sex. Sex doesn’t always happen seamlessly: consider that penetrative vaginal sex may cause discomfort to people with vaginas due to disruption of the hymen. For people with penises, erections aren’t always maintained. And penetrative sex, both anal and vaginal, can also cause discomfort if the body is tense or if there is insufficient lubrication. These (and many other) physical experiences are common and manageable — e.g., plenty of foreplay and lube (if in combination with a condom, use a water based lube!) can help with vaginal or anal lubrication, and keeping tabs on nerves by working on communication can help with erection duration and a more relaxed physical body. Know that tons of people have had sexual experiences that didn’t go perfectly according to plan and have continued on to enjoy pleasurable and fulfilling sex lives. 

The most important thing to do to feel more at ease is to create a space where there is an open line of communication. This means a place where you feel comfortable voicing your feelings, talking through boundaries, etc. This line of communication is important for any sort of sexual activity, whether it’s your first time or your 100th. While having this conversation may sound intimidating, a respectful and supportive partner will be open to these sorts of talks and will want to make sure you feel open to expressing your desires and feelings as well. Have you talked through what your partner’s expectations, hopes, and desires are — and what yours are? Sometimes, when boundaries and feelings around sexual activities are not discussed, ambiguity can generate more nerves. Clearing up any ambiguity can help you feel more comfortable and can make sex more pleasurable. These conversations are best done during a time when you are hanging out and comfortable, rather than in the heat of the moment.

Before engaging in sexual activity, make sure you are looking out for your sexual and reproductive health. The risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI) can be significantly lowered through the use of a barrier method (e.g., external condom, internal condom, dental dam). If getting pregnant is a possibility, be sure to use a contraceptive method as well (note: condoms are the only contraceptive method that reduce risk for STI and pregnancy). For more information on how to properly use any of these barrier methods, here are some tips from the CDC. If you have any other questions regarding sexual or reproductive health, you can make an appointment with a sexual health provider through MyUHS. 

I hope this helped ease some of the nervous feelings surrounding having sex for the first time. Remember that all sex is a learning experience, especially since each person has desires that differ from others’ and that can evolve over time — the learning never stops! The most important thing is to have honest conversations with sexual partners so you can create a space with an open line of communication.

Sincerely,

The Sexpert

Information for this article was obtained from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, The Daily Princetonian’s Annual Frosh Survey, and Princeton’s implementation of the American College Health Association’s National College Health Assessment III.