Tag Archives: Communication

Dating, Personal Health & Hygiene, Relationships

Distant Date: Maintaining your mental health and sex life

Dear Sexpert,

I have a history of struggling with my mental health, namely depression. I recently changed my medication and have been feeling different ever since. The biggest problem is I’ve felt really disconnected from my partner, and I’m never in the mood to have sex. I don’t want my partner to think I’m not attracted to them anymore, but I’m not sure how to fix this. 

Best,
Distant Date

Dear Distant Date,

What you’re feeling is completely valid! Many factors such as depression, anxiety, stress, and exhaustion can affect your sex drive and emotional availability in a relationship. These factors can overwhelm your emotions, making you unmotivated to participate in sexual activity or any other emotional connections, which is separate from your attraction to your partner. If you are taking medication to treat your depression, there are side effects that can also affect how you develop relationships with other people. Note that it might take some time to get used to these effects. 

Both depression itself and many antidepressant treatments are known to cause low libido and lack of sexual motivation, so it might be hard to know which one is the cause in your situation. According to the Cleveland Clinic, there are many different ways depression can impact sexual dysfunction including low self-esteem, inability to experience pleasure (e.g., limited arousal, inability to orgasm), low energy levels, loss of interest in activities, and mood swings. So, if you are facing any of these symptoms, just know that this is due to the many chemical processes taking place in your body!

When someone is experiencing depression, oxytocin levels in the brain decrease. Oxytocin is an important chemical that regulates sex drive and desire, which explains how depression can affect libido. Oxytocin is also considered the bonding chemical, which increases a sense of trust and connection, particularly through touch; low oxytocin levels due to depression might explain your feeling of disconnection from your partner. Stress can also be a huge factor in low libido! According to VHC Health, chronic stress, or chronic high levels of cortisol, can suppress sex hormones and cause a low sex drive. All of these factors are also mentally-taxing and can cause extreme fatigue and low energy, which will also impact sex drive. Chances are that the more stressed out you are about all this, the less “in the mood” you’ll feel.

Antidepressant medication can also help ease depression through spiking levels of serotonin in your body. However, this spike in serotonin can make it difficult for your brain to communicate with your body and can decrease sex drive. Despite these effects, it is important not to just stop taking your medication, but to instead explore other solutions. Sometimes there is an adjustment period and side effects lessen over time. Some antidepressant medications focus on chemicals other than serotonin in your brain, such as dopamine or norepinephrine, and usually have fewer sexual side effects. It is also possible that a combination of medications could offset some of the side effects, without reducing the effectiveness of your antidepressant. Therefore, it may be helpful to discuss these options with your prescribing provider, or connect with a psychiatrist at McCosh Health Center’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) to discuss possible changes in medication or discuss next steps in prioritizing your mental health.

In the meantime, it’s important to communicate what you’ve been feeling and struggling with to your partner. There can be a stigma associated with mental illness, which may impact when and how people disclose their mental health challenges to others. Your partner may not know about the common sexual side effects of depression, anxiety, and stress, so educating and sharing your experience with them allows them to better understand how you are feeling. Begin a conversation and try to communicate what you are comfortable with regarding intimacy in the relationship at the moment. Plan a time where you can sit down and have this discussion with your partner in a comfortable, relaxed environment, so you both can plan out boundaries and next steps. 

If you’re having trouble beginning this conversation or knowing what to do next, you can always schedule a Wellness Chat with a Peer Health Adviser to navigate options. It’s important to remember that it’s not your fault and that this can be remedied with open communication and by consulting with healthcare providers to find solutions that support your mental health, while minimizing these unwanted side effects.

Sincerely,
The Sexpert

Information for this article provided by Harvard Health, Cleveland Clinic, and VHC Health.

Uncategorized

Tentative Top: Dealing with Large Genitalia

Dear Sexpert,

I’m a male with an above-average-sized penis (length and girth), and I find it difficult to become intimate with men because they’re afraid of the pain of getting involved with a penis of that size. It makes me feel wrong during intercourse because it seems like I’m physically harming them. Even though they say they like it, it still feels odd to me. Should I feel this way? I would appreciate any advice.

— Tentative Top

Dear Tentative Top,

Thank you for writing in! It’s good to hear that you are attentive to and considerate of how your partners may be feeling during sex, both emotionally and physically. It’s also really important that you are reflecting upon your own feelings and how it impacts your comfort level. There’s no correct or incorrect way for you to feel about any given sexual act, so if something feels “wrong” to you, exploring modifications and communicating openly with your partners are great ideas. 

It sounds like you have already established a pattern of good communication with your partners, which has allowed you to understand that they’re worried about pain from a large penis. That’s an excellent starting point! Continuing this conversation could be a good opportunity to tell them that you’ve heard their concerns or observed their hesitation or discomfort and that you’re interested in developing a solution together. Letting your partners know that you’re worried about hurting them can help you make a game plan for the next time you have sex; likewise, discussing your own and your partners’ ideas and desires at a time that’s not particularly charged — so not when you’re in bed together — can also aid with communication prior to sex. When you are having sex, starting out slowly and using verbal communication (e.g. asking if you should go faster or slower, or asking if something is comfortable) can ensure you and your partners are on the same page. Communicating your preferred adjustments during sex could also help them feel like they can be straightforward with their thoughts. 

Concerns around penis size are common, especially when it comes to sexual compatibility. A brief anatomy lesson: the average flaccid (not erect) penis is 3.6 inches long and about 3.7 inches in circumference. When erect, the average length is 5.1 inches and average circumference is 4.5 inches. While size can impact comfort during sex, there are many opportunities to be creative with sex to make things more comfortable and pleasurable for all parties involved. For example, there are positions that allow a partner to have more control over depth and pace of penetration, and oral sex could allow a partner to use a hand or a toy to stimulate the shaft of the penis rather than relying on the mouth alone. For anal sex, a partner could use a toy (with a flared base) before penile penetration, which could allow their body to acclimate. Also, the use of a lube can help things go smoothly, and is especially important for anal sex. Since the anus doesn’t self-lubricate, adding lube prevents friction-induced tears and damage, decreasing risk of sexually transmitted infections. However, lube doesn’t preclude the need for a condom; using both together can make for a lower-risk and more pleasurable experience.

Last but not least, know that your concern or discomfort around hurting your partners can impact your ability to enjoy being intimate. If you communicate openly with your partner and try modifications, but are still feeling anxious or distracted during sex, you may want to talk through your concerns with a professional. Whether it is a clinician at Sexual Health and Wellness at UHS, a CPS counselor, or someone off-campus, talking through your concerns can help relieve some anxiety and make things more pleasurable for you. 

Sincerely,

The Sexpert

Information for this article was obtained from University Health Services, Condomania, Sexual Medicine Society of North America, and Healthline.

Communication, Relationships, STDs/STIs

Fearful First-Timer: Managing expectations of doing well in bed

Dear Sexpert,

I’m a virgin, and my new partner is very much not a virgin. I want to have sex with them, but I’m really worried about being a disappointment in bed, and I’m constantly apologizing when we’re together. How can I feel more comfortable and less worried when being physical with them?

— Fearful First-Timer

Dear Fearful First-Timer,

First, it’s important to acknowledge that virginity is a social (and often heteronormative) construct that is narrowly defined. Most colloquially, virginity refers to not having engaged in penetrative sex. But in practice, losing your virginity can mean anything, from engaging in activities involving the genitals for the first time to engaging in sexual activities with a new partner. 

Whatever virginity means to you, it is totally normal to go through feelings of nervousness or anxiety around engaging in something new. Sex is often portrayed idealistically in media, where each partner intuitively knows what to do and how to make their partner or partners feel good (without any communication), and everyone reaches a climax. Especially when one partner has more experience than the other, it is understandable this could create more nerves or pressure that there is some sort of expectation you need to live up to. The truth is, though, that sex is a learning experience, and with each person being different, it may take some experimentation to figure out what sorts of things your sexual partner or partners (and you) like. That is completely normal, and there is no need to apologize for it! 

Sometimes these sorts of anxious feelings or pressures to be perfect in bed can be rooted in the idea that everyone else in college is having sex or knows what they are doing. On Princeton’s campus, there are lots of folks who have not had sex. The ACHA-NCHA III survey conducted at Princeton in 2020 reported that 44 percent of undergraduates had never engaged in oral sex, 53 percent had never engaged in vaginal sex, and 88 percent had never engaged in anal sex. Similarly, according to the The Daily Princetonian’s annual frosh survey, only around 30 percent of incoming students the last three years reported having sex prior to coming to Princeton. You are not the only one going through these first-time experiences, and learning is completely okay!

Other times, worries can arise from uncertainty surrounding the physical experience of sex. Sex doesn’t always happen seamlessly: consider that penetrative vaginal sex may cause discomfort to people with vaginas due to disruption of the hymen. For people with penises, erections aren’t always maintained. And penetrative sex, both anal and vaginal, can also cause discomfort if the body is tense or if there is insufficient lubrication. These (and many other) physical experiences are common and manageable — e.g., plenty of foreplay and lube (if in combination with a condom, use a water based lube!) can help with vaginal or anal lubrication, and keeping tabs on nerves by working on communication can help with erection duration and a more relaxed physical body. Know that tons of people have had sexual experiences that didn’t go perfectly according to plan and have continued on to enjoy pleasurable and fulfilling sex lives. 

The most important thing to do to feel more at ease is to create a space where there is an open line of communication. This means a place where you feel comfortable voicing your feelings, talking through boundaries, etc. This line of communication is important for any sort of sexual activity, whether it’s your first time or your 100th. While having this conversation may sound intimidating, a respectful and supportive partner will be open to these sorts of talks and will want to make sure you feel open to expressing your desires and feelings as well. Have you talked through what your partner’s expectations, hopes, and desires are — and what yours are? Sometimes, when boundaries and feelings around sexual activities are not discussed, ambiguity can generate more nerves. Clearing up any ambiguity can help you feel more comfortable and can make sex more pleasurable. These conversations are best done during a time when you are hanging out and comfortable, rather than in the heat of the moment.

Before engaging in sexual activity, make sure you are looking out for your sexual and reproductive health. The risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI) can be significantly lowered through the use of a barrier method (e.g., external condom, internal condom, dental dam). If getting pregnant is a possibility, be sure to use a contraceptive method as well (note: condoms are the only contraceptive method that reduce risk for STI and pregnancy). For more information on how to properly use any of these barrier methods, here are some tips from the CDC. If you have any other questions regarding sexual or reproductive health, you can make an appointment with a sexual health provider through MyUHS. 

I hope this helped ease some of the nervous feelings surrounding having sex for the first time. Remember that all sex is a learning experience, especially since each person has desires that differ from others’ and that can evolve over time — the learning never stops! The most important thing is to have honest conversations with sexual partners so you can create a space with an open line of communication.

Sincerely,

The Sexpert

Information for this article was obtained from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, The Daily Princetonian’s Annual Frosh Survey, and Princeton’s implementation of the American College Health Association’s National College Health Assessment III.

Uncategorized

Date Dreamer: Finding love in college

Dear Date Dreamer,

Starting college opens you up to so many opportunities to try new things and meet interesting people, so it can be quite an exciting time! The possibility of exploring a romantic relationship adds another layer of emotions and questions about what to expect in this new environment. Perhaps you are excited about opening yourself up to your first romantic relationship, or maybe you dated in high school and want to see what college has to offer. Whatever the case, when entering this opportunity-filled environment and thinking about all the new people you are going to meet, it’s understandable that you might think about meeting someone you could eventually marry. 

It’s great that you are taking some time to think about approaching relationships before entering one, because it gives you space to think about what you want. You may be coming in with a whole set of expectations for dating and finding a partner with whom you can have the perfect relationship (i.e., free of conflict and effortless, etc.). After all, these kinds of relationships are shown in TV shows, movies, and social media all the time. You may have even had your relatives ask about your love life and make assumptions about things. This can cause you to put some pressure on yourself and bring on feelings of anxiety on what your relationships should look like or might make you feel that looking for a partner and getting married should be your priority.

Unfortunately, it can also feel like if your first relationship in college isn’t perfect, then maybe you never will get your “happily ever after.” Realistically though, there are many ways and places to find a long-term partner, and college is just one possibility. 

That is not to say that you cannot find a long-term partner in college. Princeton and other colleges host a big concentration of people with common interests and future goals, and it is not unusual for people to marry their college partner. Some students use surveys like DataMatch and Marriage Pact, normally released in the spring semester, to connect with potential partners (or just make new friends!). However, the fact that it works for some people does not mean it has to be how you find your partner. It can be helpful to ask yourself what being single or in a relationship means to you, especially at this point in your life, and maybe even make a list of what qualities you look for in a partner. Spend some time reflecting upon where you got these ideas, and if they are in fact what you are looking for. Knowing what you want in a relationship helps improve communication and contributes to relationship satisfaction for all partners involved. 

It is equally important to think about and respect the wants and needs of your partner (or potential partner). Relationships, especially committed ones, are an investment and serious time commitment when on campus, and not everyone wants to or is ready to enter one. People may also be looking for different kinds of relationships — open vs. monogamous, casual vs. committed, sexual vs. non-sexual, romantic vs. aromantic. Whether you have figured out what you want or are still thinking it through, make sure you communicate your hopes and expectations clearly before entering the relationship, so that you can be on the same page as your partner. Check out the UMatter website to explore more elements of healthy relationships.

If you are looking for a relationship that involves sexual activity, you may want to seek out University Health Services with any questions you have or to learn about protecting your health and safety. You can make an appointment with a Sexual Health and Wellness (SHAW) provider through MyUHS. As a first-year student you will also have the opportunity to participate in the Safer Sexpo, a peer-facilitated interactive FYRE program on sexual and reproductive health and wellness in your residential college. You can also make an appointment for an individual counseling session with CPS on MyUHS if you would like to talk through your relationships, as well as your personal wants and needs.

Remember, college is a time of change for many people. It can become overwhelming to try to make friends, get acclimated academically, find social groups, and discover activities you like, while also trying to find a romantic partner. Trying to focus on these activities first can allow you to get to know yourself, so that there’s more space and time for relationships later. In your first year of college, try not to put pressure on a relationship. Instead, focus on finding things you can enjoy on your own, and let a relationship with a partner happen naturally.

— The Sexpert

Communication, Protective Barriers, Relationships, STDs/STIs

Expanding My Horizons: How do I tell my partner I’m ready for oral sex?

Two heads facing away from each other with question marks followed by two heads facing each other with heartsDear Sexpert,

My relationship with my partner has become pretty serious and we’re ready to be more intimate with each other. While I’m interested in experimenting with oral sex, I’m still not ready to do more than that. How do I explain this to my partner without offending them?

—Expanding My Horizons

Continue reading Expanding My Horizons: How do I tell my partner I’m ready for oral sex? →

Communication, Protective Barriers, Relationships, STDs/STIs

Silent Sam: How do I tell my partner that I have an STI?

Dear Sexpert,

I just started hooking up with this girl I have been interested in for a while, which is great! The bad news is that I just got some results from an STI test I got just before this all happened and it looks like I might have a minor STI. I need to tell her because we didn’t use protection the last time we got together, but I don’t know how! I like this girl, and I don’t want to screw things up right off the bat with this. What do I do?

–Silent Sam

Continue reading Silent Sam: How do I tell my partner that I have an STI? →

Contraception

Condom Queen: What if my partner doesn’t want to use a condom?

Dear Sexpert—

I just started dating a new guy, and he’s really great! But there’s one thing he does that makes me kind of uneasy: he’s really resistant to wearing condoms when we have sex. He always comes up with some excuse and tries to make me feel good about it, and sometimes I go along with it. Usually, I am a real stickler about condom use, so it worries me that he is so against using them. On the one hand, I want to tell him to wear one; but on the other, he’s made it seem like wearing one is a deal-breaker and I don’t want to lose him over it. What should I do?

–Condom Queen

 

Dear Ms. Queen,

There are a lot of different factors and attitudes that go into decision making and preferences, especially when it comes to something as intimate as sex. You have already decided that your preference is to use a condom every time, without exception. However, your boyfriend has other preferences.

Communication is the best way to improve sex. Talk with him about his dislike of condoms at a time when you’re not engaging in sexual activity. Figuring out his reasoning questions may help the two of you to come to an agreement about condom use. It is possible that he has had a bad experience with condoms in the past, or maybe he has not found one with the right fit. Trying out different condom styles or having open communication about wants and needs is a great way for him to see the fun of safer sexual experiences.

It seems like that you are concerned your boyfriend will end things if you push him. You have the right to make a decision for yourself, and he has the right for himself; but when you are making decisions that impact your partner, any and all decisions must mutually be agreed upon. I know it feels like saying something may put your relationship with him in jeopardy, but not saying something could also put your and his safety at risk (See the Sexpert archives.).

Be prepared with a response for the excuses, like “You’re just so sexy, I can’t wait” or “It’ll feel so much better without one”. Having condoms on-hand will discredit his “I can’t wait” argument, and it’ll make it easier for you to stay strong in your decision. Keep some condoms in your purse or bedside table for easy access. (You can get 10 FREE condoms, daily, at McCosh.) Also, there are many ways in which using condoms can be a fun part of the fun of your sexual experiences. Using the ultra-thin, ribbed, or heat-activating varieties or even adding a dab of lube to the inside and outside of the condom can all enhance the overall sexual experience for you both. If you aren’t interested in trying these options, you can always refer to the recent study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine that stated that both men and women enjoy sex as much with condoms as without. This might alleviate his concerns, or at least make him more open to trying condoms.

When communicating about safer sex with your partner, feel free to be creative with ways to cooperate and come to a conclusion that makes you both happy. Just being willing to acknowledge his desires or worries may get him to acknowledge yours.

Good luck,

~The Sexpert