Category Archives: Relationships

Communication, Dating, Relationships

Distance Doubter: Long Distance Relationship Over Break

Dear Sexpert,

I’ve recently gotten into a relationship, but with winter break coming up soon, this is the first time my partner and I are going to be apart for more than a week. Fall break and Thanksgiving were fine since we were able to talk to each other nearly every day, but I’m worried that the longer duration of winter break might make things more difficult. How do I navigate a long-distance relationship?

-Distance Doubter

Dear Distance Doubter,

Heading into a long-distance relationship can change your typical dynamic slightly, but it doesn’t have to be a negative experience. In fact, you can learn a lot about yourself and your relationship from long distance. In terms of navigating long-distance relationships, the first thing to note is that communication truly is key. I would advise trying to start a conversation with your partner now about expectations for each other during your time apart. If you’re feeling nervous or anxious about this, you can bet they are too. Some potential things to talk about include: how frequently you plan on talking, both through text and on the phone; how you will juggle communicating during busier times (e.g., family or other obligations like Princeternships, volunteering, shadowing, etc.), on completely unavailable times/days, or when you’ll be spending time with friends; or how you’ll maintain intimacy. For example, you may want to discuss access to private spaces, and what you would both feel comfortable doing together. However, remember that things may change and people can change their minds. The options for virtual intimacy are endless, but it really depends on the specific dynamics of your relationship, and it’s important to remember that consent is still important. This means that you always want to check in with your partner; never send any unsolicited pictures, videos, or texts. Ease into things, and make sure you are mindful about the space you’re in (e.g., you’d never want a coworker to look over your shoulder and see private messages). 

It’s also important to know that it might not be realistic for you and your partner to talk every day, like you did during fall and Thanksgiving break, especially if you’re in different time zones. And that’s okay! But this might require both sides to intentionally make more time for each other in order to enable ease and frequency of communication. Virtual dates are a great way to do this. Some virtual date ideas could include: watching a movie or show together (there are several platforms that let you both watch the same thing remotely, some even have chats if you can’t be on call together), playing games together (find some virtual escape rooms or multiplayer online games!), sending each other a surprise meal through a delivery service and having a video dinner date, or taking online quizzes together during a call. Try to remain flexible with any changes as you both settle into your winter break schedules and routines.

Some of your fear may stem from how to deal with disagreements that might arise during a period of long distance, and that’s a valid fear to have. Disagreements over text can easily escalate because tone and messages can be easily misinterpreted. Sometimes a well-meaning text can be read as aggressive. A good way to combat miscommunication is to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and always assume that they have the best intentions at heart. If you’re ever in doubt, just ask them! You can also make sure you’re taking the time to listen intentionally to your partner and not multitasking while talking. When you’re not able to immediately participate in a discussion, let them know that you want to wait until you can fully dedicate yourself to listening to them. Additionally, when in a disagreement, make sure to communicate how you’re feeling and how you want the message to come across. It’s also important to remember to respond to situations rather than react. This can mean that sometimes you take a step back from a conversation or take some time before beginning a discussion or sending a response. The expectation for a relationship should not be to never have a disagreement, but to make sure that when one arises both of you are being heard, being respectful of each other’s feelings and opinions, and learning and growing from that specific moment.

Overall, long-distance relationships don’t have to be scary! You’ll probably miss your partner a lot, but setting up expectations before you leave for winter break and agreeing to have completely-open communication during your time apart are important steps. Some of these conversations might be difficult or even awkward to bring up, but once you begin one part of the conversation, the rest of the experience becomes a lot easier!

Sincerely,
The Sexpert

Information for this article provided by UMatter, Well + Good, NPR, and Psych Central.

Dating, Personal Health & Hygiene, Relationships

Distant Date: Maintaining your mental health and sex life

Dear Sexpert,

I have a history of struggling with my mental health, namely depression. I recently changed my medication and have been feeling different ever since. The biggest problem is I’ve felt really disconnected from my partner, and I’m never in the mood to have sex. I don’t want my partner to think I’m not attracted to them anymore, but I’m not sure how to fix this. 

Best,
Distant Date

Dear Distant Date,

What you’re feeling is completely valid! Many factors such as depression, anxiety, stress, and exhaustion can affect your sex drive and emotional availability in a relationship. These factors can overwhelm your emotions, making you unmotivated to participate in sexual activity or any other emotional connections, which is separate from your attraction to your partner. If you are taking medication to treat your depression, there are side effects that can also affect how you develop relationships with other people. Note that it might take some time to get used to these effects. 

Both depression itself and many antidepressant treatments are known to cause low libido and lack of sexual motivation, so it might be hard to know which one is the cause in your situation. According to the Cleveland Clinic, there are many different ways depression can impact sexual dysfunction including low self-esteem, inability to experience pleasure (e.g., limited arousal, inability to orgasm), low energy levels, loss of interest in activities, and mood swings. So, if you are facing any of these symptoms, just know that this is due to the many chemical processes taking place in your body!

When someone is experiencing depression, oxytocin levels in the brain decrease. Oxytocin is an important chemical that regulates sex drive and desire, which explains how depression can affect libido. Oxytocin is also considered the bonding chemical, which increases a sense of trust and connection, particularly through touch; low oxytocin levels due to depression might explain your feeling of disconnection from your partner. Stress can also be a huge factor in low libido! According to VHC Health, chronic stress, or chronic high levels of cortisol, can suppress sex hormones and cause a low sex drive. All of these factors are also mentally-taxing and can cause extreme fatigue and low energy, which will also impact sex drive. Chances are that the more stressed out you are about all this, the less “in the mood” you’ll feel.

Antidepressant medication can also help ease depression through spiking levels of serotonin in your body. However, this spike in serotonin can make it difficult for your brain to communicate with your body and can decrease sex drive. Despite these effects, it is important not to just stop taking your medication, but to instead explore other solutions. Sometimes there is an adjustment period and side effects lessen over time. Some antidepressant medications focus on chemicals other than serotonin in your brain, such as dopamine or norepinephrine, and usually have fewer sexual side effects. It is also possible that a combination of medications could offset some of the side effects, without reducing the effectiveness of your antidepressant. Therefore, it may be helpful to discuss these options with your prescribing provider, or connect with a psychiatrist at McCosh Health Center’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) to discuss possible changes in medication or discuss next steps in prioritizing your mental health.

In the meantime, it’s important to communicate what you’ve been feeling and struggling with to your partner. There can be a stigma associated with mental illness, which may impact when and how people disclose their mental health challenges to others. Your partner may not know about the common sexual side effects of depression, anxiety, and stress, so educating and sharing your experience with them allows them to better understand how you are feeling. Begin a conversation and try to communicate what you are comfortable with regarding intimacy in the relationship at the moment. Plan a time where you can sit down and have this discussion with your partner in a comfortable, relaxed environment, so you both can plan out boundaries and next steps. 

If you’re having trouble beginning this conversation or knowing what to do next, you can always schedule a Wellness Chat with a Peer Health Adviser to navigate options. It’s important to remember that it’s not your fault and that this can be remedied with open communication and by consulting with healthcare providers to find solutions that support your mental health, while minimizing these unwanted side effects.

Sincerely,
The Sexpert

Information for this article provided by Harvard Health, Cleveland Clinic, and VHC Health.

Communication, Dating, Protective Barriers, Relationships, Sex Positivity

Uncertain Underclassmen: Approaching hook-up culture on campus

Dear Sexpert,

Throughout my first few weeks on campus, it seems like everyone is focused on hooking up during nights out. I’ve never done anything like that before, but I feel kind of pressured to start. Hooking up wasn’t really big among my friends back home and my health class only discussed abstinence. Plus, my parents usually just avoided any sex-related conversations altogether. I don’t want my new friends to think that I’m weird or anything for staying on the sidelines though. Should I just go for it already? 

— Uncertain Underclassman

Dear Uncertain Underclassman,

Your worries are completely valid — and more common than you might think. Adjusting to the new social environment on campus, even for upperclassmen/returning students, can be overwhelming. Before jumping to any conclusions about what others are doing, you might want to ask what your friends really mean by “hooking up.” The term can mean anything from making out to engaging in vaginal or anal sex. Try not to let social pressures — even from your new friends — cloud your judgment on intimate matters. Of course, separating yourself from the perceived norms on campus is no easy task. Still, regardless of what your friends or peers are doing, the decision to start exploring physical intimacy — i.e., any form of sensuous contact — ultimately resides with you.

It’s important to understand that what you may see or hear about sex on campus is likely not an accurate representation of what’s “normal.” Those who are not engaging in sexual activity tend to be less vocal about that choice than their sexually active peers are. Our data suggest that the percentage of students not engaging in oral, vaginal, or anal intercourse is higher than those who do. Only 27.4% of current freshmen arriving on campus have ever had sex, according to The Daily Princetonian’s 2026 frosh survey. Based on the ACHA-NCHA III Spring 2023 survey of undergraduate students in the United States, 39 percent have never engaged in oral sex, 44 percent have never engaged% in vaginal, and 84 percent have never engaged% in anal. Therefore, whether or not you choose to participate in sexual activity, your behavior will certainly not be outside of the norm. 

Oftentimes, you’ll hear that you should wait to engage in physical intimacy until “the time is right.” Unfortunately, that timing can be very difficult to discern and is influenced by many factors. Luckily, you’ve already gotten off to a great start by simply taking the time to think about whether “the time is right” for you. Reflecting on what you’re comfortable with and setting personal boundaries while level-headed can help prevent getting swept up in the moment — especially when under the influence or caught up in the excitement of a night out. It’s easier to make a decision about engaging in physical intimacy when you can rationally weigh the options, rather than going on an impulse or giving in to social pressure. 

The start of college is a great time to iron out your values as an individual — and that goes for your sexual life too. When deciding whether or not you’d like to engage in physical intimacy, try to separate how you actually feel from all of the external forces in your life. Consider yourself in relation to your familial upbringing, cultural norms, and spiritual values — all of which can play an important role in your decision. If relevant, the chaplains at the Office of Religious Life can serve as  helpful resources for navigating your sex life from a religious perspective. For more support in exploring sexual identity, you can also connect with staff or peer educators at the Gender + Sexuality Resource Center. At the end of the day, whatever decision you make about choosing to engage in sexual activity is not binding in any way; it’s simply a way to take stock of your boundaries and expectations as you start this new chapter.

Once you sort out where you stand among these diverse influences, the next step is communication. You should always be upfront with potential romantic or sexual partners about your boundaries and goals for intimacy, and respect theirs. A helpful tool is the “How I Like It” Inventory. You can fill it out to explore for yourself, and/or have your partner fill it out; comparing results can help you to find what you want to do together. Making your expectations well known and communicating with your partner about your level of experience in sex, ahead of time, can prevent misunderstandings and feeling pressured down the line. Moreover, make sure to continue having these discussions throughout your interactions because boundaries and desires can easily fluctuate. 

Finally, if you do decide to begin exploring physical intimacy, make sure you do so safely. Use an appropriate barrier method such as a condom (external or internal), dental dam, or finger cot to prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If engaging in penile-vaginal sex, use a reliable contraception method to prevent any unwanted pregnancies. Condoms, birth control, STI testing, and sexual health appointments are all available through Sexual Health and Wellness at University Health Services. Ultimately, your first semester at college can be an exciting time of self and sexual discovery,  so make sure you stay safe and healthy while exploring your boundaries.

Best of luck! 

— The Sexpert

Information for this article is provided by the American College Health Association’s National College Health Assessment III, Daily Princetonian, and University Health Services.

Communication, Masturbation, Relationships

Sincere Survivor: Finding Intimacy After Trauma

Content warning: The following column contains references to sexual assault. If you or a friend have experienced sexual misconduct and are in need of assistance, Princeton has a number of resources that may be of use. You can also reach SHARE, Princeton’s Sexual Harassment/Assault Advising, Resources and Education service at 609-258-3310. 

Dear Sexpert, 

I feel safe and respected by my partner, but my past experience with sexual assault has made it so that I have trouble focusing during sex. I find it pleasurable, but I cannot orgasm. I have disclosed to my partner that I am a survivor, and they’ve been understanding and patient. Lately, I’ve been feeling pressure from them to orgasm, but I don’t want to fake it. Just because I don’t reach an orgasm doesn’t mean that I’m not enjoying being intimate with them. I’m so confused.   

— Sincere Survivor

Dear Sincere Survivor, 

Dealing with intimacy can be a delicate topic in any case, not only between you and your partner, but for yourself as well. Layering on the complex feelings, both physical and emotional, experienced by many survivors rarely makes things simpler. Navigating intimacy after assault, harassment, or other harm can be a confusing and variable process, as you’ve observed, but it’s not one you are alone in. Many people have explored and shared what has been helpful for them, which we will discuss a bit here, but at the same time, only you can decide what does and doesn’t work for your body, mind, and desires. 

Sex and sexual assault are not the same things, and it can take time for your body and mind to understand the different experiences and sensations since the trauma caused by an assault can actually change the way your brain reacts or how it associates sex. It is possible that you might feel ready to move on from your assault in one moment and experience flashbacks or activations in another, making it seem like you’ve taken a step back in your healing journey. No one’s experience is the same, but it is not uncommon for survivors of sexual assault to dissociate (which is often described as feeling detached from one’s body) during sex when activated by a smell, sound, touch, etc. This can make it challenging to experience or focus on pleasure. 

One helpful approach, if you would like to try it, might be to focus on solo sex or masturbation. It can also help you to reclaim your body on your terms and under your control. This can be a great way to explore your likes, dislikes, and activations without the pressure of another person’s timeline or expectations. You can even document activations, body sensations, and emotions that you experience during solo sex, so you can find what is pleasurable and safe for you.

When talking about the idea of pleasure vs. orgasm, a common shorthand is to use these terms interchangeably. This association supports a checklist-oriented mentality, which can contribute to individuals putting their sexual goals (i.e., orgasm) above others’, and supports an attitude that may uphold violence. For most people, it is possible — and not atypical — to experience pleasure during intimacy without reaching orgasm. However, this “pleasure equals orgasm” shorthand can often result in pressure to reach orgasm during sex. In your case, it sounds like you are feeling pressure to orgasm from your partner. This may come from a variety of causes — perhaps they themself have the desire to orgasm frequently and assume you have a similar one, or perhaps they worry that the joint sexual experiences aren’t bringing you pleasure at all, or it could be something else entirely. You might currently have some insight into their thought process, but gaining clarification on their thinking may be helpful for your confusion and could give you an opportunity to share your own thoughts too. 

Communicating with your partner, whether it be verbal and independent from intimate moments or any other situation which you deem fit, is an important step towards not only creating a stronger relationship but in making sure that your voice is heard. Find a time and place to chat where you both feel comfortable in sharing your perspectives and conveying your boundaries. For example, you could let them know that you really enjoy having sex with them and want to continue doing so while taking your own orgasm out of the equation, or you could start by asking if they have any concerns regarding your mutual sex life. It’s completely normal, no matter how close you and your partner may be, to have boundaries during intimacy. Identifying and communicating your boundaries and expectations to your partner and hearing about theirs is an essential, though not always easy, step in any sexual relationship, but it may be particularly relevant for yours. 

This can be a very challenging, stressful, and delicate topic, but there are many resources available to help you through it. Some resources are intended to be long-term, while others are shorter-term and often more immediate. Likewise, some resources are confidential, and others are private – both of which you may find useful when you are preparing for your conversation with your partner and afterward. If you are looking for more professionally-oriented support, consider connecting with clinicians in the SHARE office or Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) (confidential), or chaplains in the Office of Religious Life (confidential). SHARE Peers or Peer Health Advisers (private, non-confidential) may be an option if you feel more comfortable speaking with peers. (Note: SHARE Peers are only non-confidential because they let the SHARE office know that you spoke with them. You can request that the SHARE Peer keep your identity anonymous, and just the general details will be shared.) For off-campus options, you could connect with Womanspace, a support and counseling resource that serves all survivors and their families in Mercer County. It is normal to feel anxious when accessing new resources or even talking to friends about this challenging topic.

I hope you know that whatever you are feeling is valid and that you are worthy of comfort, support, and safety. Hopefully, this information can help make intimacy with your partner enjoyable, both for you and them, and take off the pressure of orgasming. Remember that we are all here to support you. 

Sincerely,  
The Sexpert

Communication, Relationships

Bloody Wary: Non-menstrual Vaginal Bleeding

Dear Sexpert,

My boyfriend and I have never had sex, but we do a lot of other stuff, and one such act is fingering. Though he had just used his one finger most of the time, on one occasion he tried using two fingers, and just after a few seconds I saw that his finger was covered with blood. We stopped right there, but there was a very minute level of bleeding along with vaginal discharge, which was clear and liquidy. I am scared as I have no idea what happened, and why I was bleeding.

—Bloody Wary

Dear Bloody Wary, 

Thank you for reaching out! It is great that you and your partner are experimenting with new methods of sexual pleasure. It sounds like there is a good amount of communication, consent, and respect between the two of you, and it’s good to hear that when something unexpected happened, you stopped activities. 

It is natural to be concerned when you notice blood or unusual discharge, as sometimes it can be a sign of an issue. That said, this sounds like nothing to worry about! Vaginal discharge is a natural part of the bodily response in people with a vagina, and it serves a variety of purposes, including lubrication and self-cleaning, which protects against infections. It is common to see discharge during sexual activity as a response to sexual arousal. Abnormal discharge or signs of a potential infection include a strong or foul smell, a thick, chunky consistency, or coloring that is green or yellow. 

Though startling, minute-level bleeding after penetration — either from toys/objects, fingers, or a penis — does not indicate a critical health concern. Blood that appears after fingering is, according to Healthline, “likely normal and the result of minor scratches or cuts in the vagina.” This kind of bleeding, during penetration or afterward, can also be caused by friction due to dryness. Blood can also result from the stretching, wearing, or tearing of the hymen, a thin tissue that frames the vagina. Quick note: Though people sometimes associate hymen tears with sexual penetration or losing one’s virginity, the hymen is worn down over time and can be stretched or torn by non-sexual things like exercise and tampon insertion. For many people, sexual penetration won’t even have an effect on their hymen, and any bleeding is likely the result of one of the other causes mentioned above. 

However, if bleeding extends to a longer period of time, such as a few days, that is a cause for concern, and it would be wise to consult a healthcare professional, such as a Sexual Health and Wellness provider at UHS. They provide a wide range of resources from assisting with birth control options to answering any questions about issues including irregular bleeding and vaginal discharge.

There are some methods that you and your partner can practice to prevent bleeding in the future. For example, your partner could make sure that their fingernails are cut to prevent any cuts to or near the vagina. You can utilize water or silicone-based lubricant before penetration, in addition to waiting until you are sufficiently aroused to engage in penetrative activities. Also, continuing to express any type of discomfort to your partner — like if they hit your cervix or if there’s too much friction — makes sexual activities more enjoyable for the both of you. Overall, remember that sexual exploration should be a source of pleasure for both you and your partner. You can learn a lot about your boyfriend’s and your own preferences, even when things do not turn out the way you expected. If you or your partner experience any health-related worries after sexual activity, do not be afraid to reach out to a healthcare provider for medical advice. 

For future sexual health questions that could use a peer’s perspective, feel free to contact one of the PHAs, and we will be happy to answer your questions or help you get connected to other resources. 

Sincerely,

The Sexpert

Information for this article was obtained from University Health Services, NHS UK, and Healthline.

Communication, Relationships, STDs/STIs

Fearful First-Timer: Managing expectations of doing well in bed

Dear Sexpert,

I’m a virgin, and my new partner is very much not a virgin. I want to have sex with them, but I’m really worried about being a disappointment in bed, and I’m constantly apologizing when we’re together. How can I feel more comfortable and less worried when being physical with them?

— Fearful First-Timer

Dear Fearful First-Timer,

First, it’s important to acknowledge that virginity is a social (and often heteronormative) construct that is narrowly defined. Most colloquially, virginity refers to not having engaged in penetrative sex. But in practice, losing your virginity can mean anything, from engaging in activities involving the genitals for the first time to engaging in sexual activities with a new partner. 

Whatever virginity means to you, it is totally normal to go through feelings of nervousness or anxiety around engaging in something new. Sex is often portrayed idealistically in media, where each partner intuitively knows what to do and how to make their partner or partners feel good (without any communication), and everyone reaches a climax. Especially when one partner has more experience than the other, it is understandable this could create more nerves or pressure that there is some sort of expectation you need to live up to. The truth is, though, that sex is a learning experience, and with each person being different, it may take some experimentation to figure out what sorts of things your sexual partner or partners (and you) like. That is completely normal, and there is no need to apologize for it! 

Sometimes these sorts of anxious feelings or pressures to be perfect in bed can be rooted in the idea that everyone else in college is having sex or knows what they are doing. On Princeton’s campus, there are lots of folks who have not had sex. The ACHA-NCHA III survey conducted at Princeton in 2020 reported that 44 percent of undergraduates had never engaged in oral sex, 53 percent had never engaged in vaginal sex, and 88 percent had never engaged in anal sex. Similarly, according to the The Daily Princetonian’s annual frosh survey, only around 30 percent of incoming students the last three years reported having sex prior to coming to Princeton. You are not the only one going through these first-time experiences, and learning is completely okay!

Other times, worries can arise from uncertainty surrounding the physical experience of sex. Sex doesn’t always happen seamlessly: consider that penetrative vaginal sex may cause discomfort to people with vaginas due to disruption of the hymen. For people with penises, erections aren’t always maintained. And penetrative sex, both anal and vaginal, can also cause discomfort if the body is tense or if there is insufficient lubrication. These (and many other) physical experiences are common and manageable — e.g., plenty of foreplay and lube (if in combination with a condom, use a water based lube!) can help with vaginal or anal lubrication, and keeping tabs on nerves by working on communication can help with erection duration and a more relaxed physical body. Know that tons of people have had sexual experiences that didn’t go perfectly according to plan and have continued on to enjoy pleasurable and fulfilling sex lives. 

The most important thing to do to feel more at ease is to create a space where there is an open line of communication. This means a place where you feel comfortable voicing your feelings, talking through boundaries, etc. This line of communication is important for any sort of sexual activity, whether it’s your first time or your 100th. While having this conversation may sound intimidating, a respectful and supportive partner will be open to these sorts of talks and will want to make sure you feel open to expressing your desires and feelings as well. Have you talked through what your partner’s expectations, hopes, and desires are — and what yours are? Sometimes, when boundaries and feelings around sexual activities are not discussed, ambiguity can generate more nerves. Clearing up any ambiguity can help you feel more comfortable and can make sex more pleasurable. These conversations are best done during a time when you are hanging out and comfortable, rather than in the heat of the moment.

Before engaging in sexual activity, make sure you are looking out for your sexual and reproductive health. The risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI) can be significantly lowered through the use of a barrier method (e.g., external condom, internal condom, dental dam). If getting pregnant is a possibility, be sure to use a contraceptive method as well (note: condoms are the only contraceptive method that reduce risk for STI and pregnancy). For more information on how to properly use any of these barrier methods, here are some tips from the CDC. If you have any other questions regarding sexual or reproductive health, you can make an appointment with a sexual health provider through MyUHS. 

I hope this helped ease some of the nervous feelings surrounding having sex for the first time. Remember that all sex is a learning experience, especially since each person has desires that differ from others’ and that can evolve over time — the learning never stops! The most important thing is to have honest conversations with sexual partners so you can create a space with an open line of communication.

Sincerely,

The Sexpert

Information for this article was obtained from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, The Daily Princetonian’s Annual Frosh Survey, and Princeton’s implementation of the American College Health Association’s National College Health Assessment III.

Communication, Dating, Relationships

porn, relationships, and confusion

Dear Sexpert,

I just found out that my boyfriend prefers a certain type of porn a few months into our relationship. When we first started dating, I asked him and he lied to me repeatedly saying he has never watched porn. What he’s into isn’t bad, but it is different than what I was expecting. Is it a red flag that he lied to me when I asked the first few times?

– Confused Viewer

Dear Confused Viewer,

Watching porn is fairly common, and can be a healthy part of sexuality. Unfortunately, it is also very stigmatized, and many people avoid talking about their habits and views surrounding porn for fear of being judged negatively. Watching porn is common among both people who are single and those who are in relationships; in fact, in a large study of people in relationships, 85% reported watching pornography in the last six months (Psychology Today). Some people who watch porn consider it a part of their sexuality that they would like to share with their partner(s); others consider porn something they like to enjoy only by themselves, or something that should be kept private. Others may also prefer to involve porn in their sexual relationships only after becoming comfortable with other types of sexuality together. How someone chooses to watch and talk about porn, if at all, really depends on the individual’s preferences and comfort level. However, let’s talk more about the dynamics surrounding your and your boyfriend’s interactions with porn.

It seems like what you are most concerned about is not the porn itself, but the fact that he lied to you, and that it might be a bad sign. While it’s ultimately up to you how you assess the fact that he lied, it makes sense to consider the bigger picture and reasons he might have done so. Porn is still considered very taboo in society; people have varying viewpoints on the ethics of porn in general, and especially about specific types of porn or the fetishes/fantasies represented in them. Many people who watch porn don’t talk about it with friends or partners, perhaps because they believe it is something to be kept private or they fear adverse reactions. One possibility is that your boyfriend worried that you would disapprove of his watching porn, and was embarrassed or hesitant to tell you. Something else that might contribute to this is myths about gender surrounding porn. It’s a mistaken common view that porn is something only viewed by men. In fact, in the study of people in relationships, 73% of women (vs 98% of men) had watched porn within the last 6 months (Psychology Today). If you don’t identify as male, the mistaken conception that your gender indicates your interest in porn may have contributed to an assumption on your boyfriend’s part that porn wasn’t something you would be interested in or approve of. Also, porn is notably very different than real life sex. It’s scripted and performed for the enjoyment of the viewer, and very often does not portray realistic (or healthy) sexual encounters. You said the kind of porn he watches is “not what you were expecting”; from that, it sounds like what he is into might not be something that’s part of your current sexual experiences together. It is possible some people, like your boyfriend, might be worried that sharing with you what porn arouses him would seem too different from what you do together sexually. There is a big difference between fantasy and reality; some people’s sexual fantasies are not things they would really want to do in real life. Your boyfriend might have been worried that you might assume he wants your sex life together to be like the porn he watches, or that he wants something different. Finally, it is possible that your boyfriend was worried you might consider his watching porn a violation of the boundaries of your relationship, and hoped to conceal it from you.

With all of these possibilities, and possibly more, it seems like the best thing to do would be to have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. It’s likely that a lot of what led to his lying was miscommunication and mistaken assumptions. An open conversation about porn, your sex life, and your relationship could bring clarity and reassure him that what you most want is that you are both honest with each other. Approaching the conversation with an open mind can assure him that you won’t judge him, and allow you to understand the motivations behind his withholding his porn usage from you. It is up to you from there to decide, ideally in conversation with him, what to do going forward. Lying is never a positive in a relationship, but it is not necessarily a red flag. It might instead be a sign that the two of you need to work on having more open communication. However, if it turns out that he withheld his porn usage from you because he thought you would consider it a violation of your relationship, then this might be a more serious issue to consider and talk about. Lying to avoid acknowledging the breaching of boundaries in your relationship is a red flag. If you do consider watching porn to be a violation of these boundaries, it might be best to clearly establish your boundary and ask him his opinions. Your partner should always respect your boundaries and what you are comfortable with, but porn is often a non-talked-about “gray area”, especially in otherwise monogamous relationships. Being clear with each other on your feelings is important going forward.

Porn can (within limits) be a healthy part of one’s sexuality within any relationship status. However, stigmas against watching porn can often cause feelings of shame that result in a lack of communication surrounding porn, including with one’s partner(s). It is completely reasonable to be upset that your boyfriend lied to you, but it is important to have an honest conversation with him about your feelings surrounding his lying to you, porn, and your relationship. From there, it is up to you to assess with yourself what boundaries to set and changes to make in the future, as well as how you feel about his lying to you once you know why.

Best of luck!

– The Sexpert

Resources:

https://www.bustle.com/p/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-porn-according-to-a-sex-therapist-1 0 248693 (an article about how to talk about porn with your partner, as advised by a sex therapist)

Communication, Dating, Masturbation, Relationships, Sex Toys

Sex Toys in Relationships

Dear Sexpert,

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 3 months now. Recently, I’ve noticed that after we have sex, and I’ve seemingly fallen “asleep,” she sometimes reaches in her backpack for her vibrator. The mechanic hum isn’t what keeps me up, but the embarrassment from the fact that sex with me isn’t enough for her. I really care about her, but I don’t know how to confront her about this. What do you think I should do?

Sincerely,

Lackluster Lover

Dear Lover,

Take a breath – this situation sounds challenging but not necessarily something to take personally. Good news, with some open channels of communication with your girlfriend, you will likely find a mutually pleasurable sex life together!

First off, it is important to note that people (more often women-identified individuals) sometimes have more difficulty reaching orgasm (with or without a partner) for any number of reasons. One reason is that traditional depictions of female pleasure often show orgasm resulting from penetrative sex and happening in tandem with a partner’s orgasm — creating that as the model for “how it should work”. Feeling stressed, being distracted/having trouble focusing, not being aroused enough, not yet knowing what feels good, experiencing physical discomfort, etc. can all impact whether or not someone experiences an orgasm.

Your girlfriend’s desire to pleasure herself after sex could indicate a need for trying something different together. If your girlfriend is comfortable masturbating in the same bed as you, then she will likely be comfortable enough to have a conversation about it. Although she’s waiting until after you’re asleep, she’s clearly not trying that hard to hide it from you. You two haven’t been together for that long, so it’s possible that she is apprehensive about bringing this to your attention, or is worried that you will take it personally. But, like I said, it’s important to establish honest and clear ways to communicate about it.

So how do you go about starting the conversation? Well one thing is for certain, don’t wait until she pulls out her vibrator and confront her in a “gotcha!” moment. Instead, bring it up to her over a meal, when you’re just hanging out in your room, or in some other relatively private and comfortable space. Mention that you have noticed her doing this recently, and, if you’re comfortable, express your openness to trying out new things together. Vibrators and other sex toys don’t always have to be used for masturbation; maybe you can try your hand at wielding the mechanical hum. In fact, many sex toys can be used with a partner — some (e.g., vibrating rings) are even made for use during penetrative sex to enhance pleasure of both partners, but be sure to wash your toys thoroughly with soapy water after use, especially if you plan on sharing them between yourselves. You can also use a new condom on toys (e.g., dildo) for each use. Also, if you two often skip straight to penetrative sex, then you might benefit from some additional foreplay to “get things going”. Try oral sex or a sensual massage. Some couples find mutual masturbation (masturbating, individually, near one another) arousing and can also help your partner better understand what works for you.

Anyways, I wish you the best of luck, Lover. These sorts of things can be uncomfortable to initiate at first, but it is likely that, after bringing it up in a mature manner, your sex life (and relationship) will only benefit from the conversations that follow!

Yours,

The Sexpert

Relationships, Sex Positivity, Sex Toys

Interview with Princeton Plays

In this edition of the Ask the Sexpert Column, we’ll be the ones asking the questions. On December 1st, we had the privilege of the interviewing Jaspreet Kalsi, board member and co-founder of the student group Princeton Plays, the only kink and BDSM community on campus.

Q: Hey Jaspreet, thanks for agreeing to do this interview with us. I wanted to start of by asking you to describe what exactly is Princeton Plays?

A: Hi Sexperts, thanks for having me. So Princeton Plays is an ODUS-recognized group that supports an advocacy and education based community that serves for the betterment of Princeton’s health at-large. Princeton Plays seeks to establish an affirming and positive space to discuss matters of kink, provide education both within the group and partnering with groups across campus, promote safe and consensual methods of play, and increase awareness of the social contexts surrounding the kink community so that members will be prepared if they choose to engage in kink in their private or public lives. I should say that, contrary to some of the rumors around campus, we are not a sex club.

How did Princeton Plays get started?

The first iteration of the club was formed in 2014. Back then it was actually called Princeton in the Nation’s Service (PINS), although the LGBT center supported that group, it was never ODUS recognized and sort of fell off after a year or so.

In 2016, I had met a group of five other students who had heard of PINS and wanted to start it up again. We had a serious of informal meetings, essentially a gathering of friends, and over the course of the year we helped create an organized group of about 20. Around the same time we came up with the name Princeton Plays. Our affiliation with the LGBT center really helped in allowing us to grow as a group.

In spring of 2017, the process of becoming a formally recognized student organization had begun. In the Fall of the 2017/18 academic year, we became Women*s center affiliated, SHARE affiliated, and University Health Services (UHS) affiliated. In December of 2017 we became ODUS recognized. At the start of the 18/19 academic year we had about 50-60 people on the listserv and now, only a few months later, we are at about 110 members, and we are proud to say we are not a homogenous group. Also shout out to the amazing Princeton Plays board. The success of the organization has been a true team effort!

You mentioned that Princeton Plays aims to improve Princeton’s health in general. How do you think the club does that?

There are plenty of resources for sexual health [and consent information] on campus – Peer Health Advisers, SHARE peers, and the Student Health Advisory Board. But one area that is lacking is education on alternative sexual practices. I classify these “alternative” practices as anything that would fall under the purview of “kink.” Our definition of kink is one that mostly focuses on fetishes and BDSM.

Princeton Plays has three main principles that center around the betterment of Princeton’s sexual health and wellbeing.

First off, we focus on the educating our members on the physical aspects of kink. If we look at how popular things like 50 Shades of Gray has become, it is obvious that there is widespread interest in alternative sexual practices. There are people on our campus who take part in these kinds of behaviors, and it is important to learn how to do these things in the safest way possible. Just this month, Plays hosted our third rope bondage workshop and we have an impact play workshop scheduled for the near future. No matter how careful you are, mistakes can happen. For example if you’re tying someone up, it is your responsibility to know how do so in a safe way. And similarly, if you’re the one being tied up, it is also your responsibility to know the risks involved.

The next principle is one of community. While kink has gained plenty of traction, it remains to be often looked down upon as “deviant” by a significant amount of the general population. Princeton Plays hopes to create a safe space, where people can come and feel safe, free of judgment for their sexual preferences. For example, at all of our workshops and meetings, we start with a disclaimer which states that members are free to share as much or as little information about themselves as they would like – they don’t even have to give us their name if they would prefer not to. In this community, we hope to practice things safely without having individuals out themselves. Safety and confidentiality are of paramount importance to us. We have a rule which states that any member that is known to share information about another member without their consent is, without exception, banned from the organization.

The third and final pillar is our commitment to improving the scholarly and theoretical discussions on kink. Our unique position as a Princeton University kink club gives us access to resources that other organizations not in an educational setting might not have access to. For example there are scholars and lecturers that can inform our members on the theoretical work behind alternative sexual practices. Plays has aspirations to host a colloquium of university kink clubs here at Princeton. We are already in the process of contacting and organizing. By bringing people together who think about this sort of thing, we hope to improve the field of kink and queer theory while promoting good, educated sexual health practices.

I wanted to ask, since privacy is so important for the group, how do you personally feel being one of the few publicly named members of Princeton Plays?

Well it’s both freeing and nerve-wracking. I grew up in a small, predominantly white town as the only person who wore a turban, so I’ve always stuck out in a way. I think growing up with that experience has emboldened me to always be an individual and to be true to myself. Like, I have aspirations of going to medical school someday. It is of course risky, since I could miss out on some opportunities, but someone’s gotta do it, so it might as well be me. It is part of my religious beliefs that all humans are one, and that we are all equal in God’s eyes and thus we should accept each other as we are and support the health of everyone. I hope that my public expression of individuality will inspire others to be themselves.

How can people get involved?

Email the listserv! If you send an email to plays@princeton.edu you will be put in touch with a board member who can answer all the questions, give you info about meetings.

Anything else you want people to know about Princeton Plays?

We are a community that want to help you be you! No one should be afraid of being themselves, and we hope to share knowledge and community with all those interested.

Relationships, Sex Positivity

First-Year Virgin: How should I go about having sex for the first time?

Dear Sexpert,

Now that we’re a month into the school year, it seems like my friends have been hooking up or having sex more frequently than I am.  I feel insecure about my lack of sexual experiences and I would like to lose my virginity. How should I go about having sex for the first time?

–First-year virgin

image of sock on door

Hi first-year virgin,

Sexual debut can be a source of stress for many.  Sometimes, it may seem like everyone else is engaging in more sexual activity than us. Surveys of Princeton undergraduates tell us that about 61% of current Princeton undergrads have one or more sexual partners in the past year, while 39% have had none. Despite what your peers are doing, though, it is important to note that the decisions of when, how, and with whom to have sex are extremely personal ones. Whatever you choose, make sure it feels right for you!

The concept of virginity is a social construct (and a heteronormative one, too) that tends to place unnecessary pressure on those who abstain from engaging in sexual activities or those who abstain from sexual activity other than penile-vaginal intercourse.  Often, losing one’s virginity is considered to be a uniform, landmark event in one’s life; however, a first sexual experience can encompass a multitude of different forms and personal, cultural, or religious significance.  For some, the loss of virginity might include engaging in any form of sexual activity involving the genitals, engaging in new sexual experiences or activities with a current partner, engaging in sexual activities with a new partner, or having an orgasm. That being said, on your quest to expand your sexual experiences, I would encourage you to first think about and define what virginity means to you.  

In thinking about how you might find a potential sexual partner, many students meet people anywhere from their classes and organizations to parties, to dating apps like Tinder or Grindr, or through mutual friends.  When engaging in any sexual activity for the first time, it is important to be aware of boundaries and practice open communication with your partner because first sexual experiences may be nerve-wracking or uncomfortable.  For example, people with vaginas who wish to engage in penetrative sex may experience discomfort upon penetration due to insufficient lubrication and increased friction, stretching of the vaginal walls, or the breakage of the hymen, a membrane covering the opening of the vagina. (Note: breaking of the hymen can occur through other non-sexual activities [e.g., using tampons, exercise] and also may not occur during penetrative sex).  That said, using sufficient lubrication and focusing on foreplay to increase arousal can help ease physical discomfort.  Nerves or anxiety, which may be associated with first sexual encounters, can affect the sexual functions of penises and vaginas alike. For people with penises, nerves may make it hard to achieve or maintain a full erection. For people with vaginas, nerves can prevent natural lubrication of the vagina. Constant communication is another way to prevent nervousness or discomfort before and during sexual activity.

Before engaging in sexual activity for the first time, make sure that you are taking care of your health and safety. Using barrier methods can lower risk of transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STI) and, if relevant, contraceptive methods to prevent pregnancy (if you will be engaging in penile-vaginal sex).  It is important to talk to your partner. If the sexual activity of your choice involves penile penetration (of the vagina, anus or mouth), it is important to use an external (male) condom or internal (female) condom to prevent STI transmission.  If fingers will be used to stimulate the genital areas, a finger cot or condom can be used as a barrier.  If you wish to learn more about barrier methods or have further questions about sexual health, you can make an appointment online with a sexual health provider through MyUHS.

I hope this article has reinforced that choices regarding sex are personal, and sexual experiences need not be restricted to a timeline.  Whether you choose to explore sexual experiences with a partner immediately or far in the future, your choices are valid.

-The Sexpert

Information for this article was obtained from Kinsey Confidential and Go Ask Alice.

Communication, Dating, Relationships

Not-Into-Intercourse: How can my partner and I be intimate with each other without having sex / what are different forms of outercourse?

Dear Sexpert,

I love my partner very much, but I am not sure that I am ready to have sex with my partner yet. Are there ways to be intimate without having sex?

–Not-Into-Intercourse

Continue reading Not-Into-Intercourse: How can my partner and I be intimate with each other without having sex / what are different forms of outercourse? →

Communication, Relationships

Friends or More: Is the intimacy you have with a friend different than the intimacy you have with a romantic partner?

Dear Sexpert,

I wonder if you think that the emotional intimacy that you have with a friend versus a romantic partner is substantively different?

–Friends or More?

Continue reading Friends or More: Is the intimacy you have with a friend different than the intimacy you have with a romantic partner? →

Communication, Relationships

Unhappy Receiver: What do I do if I am receiving inappropriate, sexual messages from a classmate?

Dear Sexpert,

cell phoneOne of my classmates keeps on sending me inappropriate, sexual text messages that I don’t feel comfortable about. What should I do? I am worried that things would be really awkward between us if I confront them.  

–Unhappy Receiver

Continue reading Unhappy Receiver: What do I do if I am receiving inappropriate, sexual messages from a classmate? →

Communication, Relationships

Too Much?: Is having sex 3-4 times per day going overboard?

Dear Sexpert,

Is there such a thing as too much sex? My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship so every time we see each other, we have sex about 3 to 4 times per day. Sometimes my vagina feels sore afterwards and penetration becomes painful. With Winter Break coming up, I don’t know whether to be worried or not or how to bring this up with my boyfriend. Please help!

–Too Much or Just Overreacting?

Continue reading Too Much?: Is having sex 3-4 times per day going overboard? →