Dear Sexpert,

I’ve been reading here on the Sexpert about the benefits of masturbation, from stress-relief and to being a healthy activity, and I even read about sex toys. My question is though, when or where can I masturbate? I share a double room with a roommate, and we have communal restrooms. My concerns are that: A) it would be weird to bring up the subject to ask for alone time, B) the walls are paper thin, so it may be obvious what I’m doing, and C) where would I wash my sex toy? It may seem quite weird and perhaps even embarrassing to be caught washing a sex toy in the restroom, let alone having to find a place to let it dry in my room.

Thanks, Sexpert!

— Private Pleasure-Seeker

Dear Private Pleasure-Seeker,

Great questions! There are a lot of benefits to masturbation and exploring self-pleasure, but navigating sexual exploration while maintaining privacy can be tricky in shared living conditions. Fortunately, following a certain etiquette will allow you to maintain privacy, while also feeling comfortable to explore sexually. 

Simply put, masturbation should only be done in private places where you can feel comfortable while not creating an uncomfortable environment for others. The only exception is consensual exhibitionism — but that can only take place when all individuals in the space have consented. Therefore, a communal/public restroom is not the best place to engage in sexual pleasure. You can perhaps figure out some time that you know your roommate will be out of the room and you can have alone time. Alternatively, if you feel comfortable, have an open or discrete discussion with your roommate about creating a designated “alone time” in the room for either of you. For example, you can discuss each other’s schedules and plan out some time when you know the other won’t be in the room, or you can compromise certain times blocked out where you or your roommate can get the room to yourselves. Discussions of alone time in the dorm and privacy, regardless of the reason, are completely normal conversations to have with a roommate and can be productive in understanding each other’s comfort zones and needs regarding sharing a living space. 

To maintain privacy and discretion if you’re worried, there are soundless sex toys that may reduce any noise concerns you have. 

Cleaning sex toys after use is important for maintaining your health and safety. Most toys can be surface cleaned — especially if only being used by you — with a mild soap and warm water. You can also purchase cleaning supplies specifically made for sex toys, like a spray, but these often need to be washed off after anyways. Make sure whatever cleaner you are using is compatible with the toy’s materials. Avoid using any products that you would not also put on your skin (e.g., bleach, alcohol, glass cleaner, hydrogen peroxide, and abrasives). There are also ways to be discreet when washing and drying sex toys. For example, you can transport them in some sort of bag and wash them in the shower. When drying, you can wrap it in a towel to dry or leave it to air dry when you know your roommate will be out of the room. At the end of the day, all of this depends on the comfortability between you and your roommate and the level of discretion you two feel comfortable with. 

It’s important to remember that sexual exploration is completely normal and healthy! Conversation is beneficial to come to a consensus with your roommate on boundaries and privacy in the dorm so you can feel comfortable in your sexual journey.

Sincerely,
The Sexpert

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