Dear Sexpert,

I love my partner very much, but I am not sure that I am ready to have sex with my partner yet. Are there ways to be intimate without having sex?

–Not-Into-Intercourse

Dear Not-Into-Intercourse,

Before we jump into a discussion on how to establish and maintain intimacy without having sex, it is important for you and your partner to have your own conversation to define what is sex. Does sex imply sexual intercourse or penetration? Or does sex just mean anything related to genitals? Once you define what sex means to both of you, it will be much easier to figure out ways to be intimate outside of sex.

Although the definition of sex will differ between partners, the definition of intimacy does not. Inherently, intimacy is about closeness between two or more people and about feeling together and connected. It is not necessarily about being in a sexual relationship or even about physical touch! In order to maintain a healthy relationship, it is important to maintain intimacy in either sexual or non-sexual ways. Below, I have compiled a running (and certainly not exhaustive!) list of ways you and your partner can be intimate together, both sexually and non-sexually.

1. Everyday physical contact. Believe it or not, physical contact does not always need to lead to sex. Holding hands, stroking their cheek, hugging, kissing, playing with their hair, and giving massages are all opportunities to intersperse daily touching without sex. Find a new spot that makes your partner smile or runs chills up their spine and continue to explore your partner’s body, even long after starting to date!
2. Talk about things other than school/work. Continue talking to your partner about more than just everyday happenings — explore each other’s hopes and dreams, bounce ideas off one another. Communicate with each other about feelings, whether it be anger, sorrow, happiness, anxiety, and let that drive intimacy without physical touch.
3. First time make-out sesh. Pretend you and your partner have just started dating, and let that guide the interaction. Perhaps you start from the beginning, and just explore the cliché questions asked when you met. Or perhaps you seriously make out and only pull away when things get too intense. Either way, you will relive those first days getting to know each other, which could kindle exiting, connected feelings.
4. Pick up a new hobby, or revisit an old one. Use this time to find something new to do together, like cooking or golfing, and hopefully form a common interest. You could also take the time to show your partner something you really enjoyed doing as a kid. Spending quality time with one another doing things out of the ordinary is important for furthering shared experience, and thus intimacy with one another. Even if your partner doesn’t want to take the activity on as their own, spending time together and learning from each other can strengthen your relationship.
5. Skype or phone sex. Thanks to technology, it is possible for couples to be together without being physically together. Through the screen sex talk and video chat allows couples to feel close without engaging in physical contact, even when they are across country.
6. Have outer-course. Defined by Planned Parenthood as any sexual or sensual activity that does not exchange bodily fluids, having outer-course comes in many different shapes and sizes. Dry humping (with clothes or undergarments on), proper use of sex toys, breast and nipple play, even video chat sex, are all ways to engage in outer-course. And even though you are not having intercourse, it is still possible to spread sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through outer-course, so avoid skin-to-skin contact and sexual fluids around the genital area. This being said, the good news about outer-course is that as long as there is not an exchange of bodily fluids, it is nearly 100% effective against pregnancy. Both cum and pre-cum can have sperm in it, so be careful to use sex toys and do other sexual acts carefully and safely.

I hope that this list inspires you and your partner to explore new ways of being intimate with one another. Starting this conversation about how to remain intimate without intercourse can be difficult, but just by asking your partner if any of these acts sound appealing or if they have any other definitions of intimacy is a great place to start. Remember to be careful to lower risk of possible pregnancy and STIs when engaging in some of these acts and to communicate continuously with your partner about what feels good being intimate.

~The Sexpert Information regarding intimacy and outer-course retrieved from Planned Parenthood, Healthy Women, and ThoughtCatalog