Dear Sexpert,

Last weekend, I hooked up with my friend, and now things are super awkward since they want to keep seeing each other. I really value this friendship, but I’m not looking for anything more right now and just want to be friends. How do I navigate this situation without ruining our friendship? 

— Mistake Maker 

Dear Student,

Navigating a friendship after a sexual encounter can definitely be challenging. It is natural to think that you may want “more,” and then eventually realize that you want a relationship to be platonic — or vice versa. Since you seem to be clear on what you do want (i.e., just friends), it is important to effectively and respectfully communicate with your friend, and do so soon. Leaving things unsaid or not engaging in an honest discussion can hurt your friendship.  

Before having that conversation, make sure you are certain about what you want. Sex involves feelings. Intimacy from physical touch or emotional connection triggers the hormone oxytocin, which can lead to feelings of attachment, even if unintended. It is normal to feel confused by conflicting emotions.

To address things with your friend, start by acknowledging what happened, and be reassuring. For example, you might say something like “Hey, I’ve been thinking about what happened last weekend, and I wanted to talk about it because I really value our friendship and I wouldn’t want anything to jeopardize that.” 

Clearly communicating how you feel about the situation is crucial, but so is making sure that you are not intentionally hurtful. Try to balance making it clear that you aren’t looking for anything more at this moment with the importance of your friendship. Emphasize that your feelings about the friendship haven’t changed and that you’d like to continue hanging out as friends. Be sure to give them space to share their feelings as well, and understand that it might take a bit of time before the friendship feels completely normal. 

While it may not be ideal to you, ease into the idea that maintaining your friendship may not be possible. Process through those feelings on your own or with a neutral party, such as a counselor. Just as you expect them to respect your wishes to just be friends, you may have to accept their disappointment or desire to no longer be friends. 

Hopefully, you engaged in safer sex by using contraception and/or barrier methods. If not, there are still ways to maintain your sexual health and wellness. 

Let’s say you did practice safer sex by using contraception and/or barrier methods, remember that even with protection, maintaining regular sexual health check-ups is still important! Consistent testing and communication are key to staying informed about your status and ensuring your long-term health and wellness. While it is better to have conversations related to sexual health before engaging in sexual activities, you can know your status and reduce the spread of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) by getting tested. STI testing recommendations vary and depend on multiple factors, including behavioral and identity-based risks. 

Finding out more about whether you need testing is a smart decision, and you should not feel embarrassed about it. Your MyUHS online portal features an online STI screening program for asymptomatic testing, designed to include evidence-based educational information and enable you to make an informed decision about the type of testing you wish to pursue. It also lets you schedule collection at a time that is convenient for you. Additionally, this testing is confidential, so you do not have to be concerned with other individuals, such as your family, finding out from UHS.

Depending on whether pregnancy prevention is a relevant concern, if you did not use contraception or remain uncertain, you and/or your friend are likely outside of the window of emergency contraception being effective. Pregnancy testing is also available at UHS. If you’d like to discuss ongoing contraception options that provide reliable protection without requiring preparation each time, consider meeting with a Sexual Health and Wellness clinician at UHS. They can help you find the method that best fits your needs and lifestyle, ensuring you feel informed and confident in your choice.

Lastly, if you both decide to maintain the friendship, it would benefit you to discuss boundaries moving forward. Will you discuss your romantic or sexual relationships with one another? What types of physical touch are okay? Maybe ease back into the friendship in group social settings only, rather than one-on-one. Depending on the circumstances of the initial hookup, try to avoid similar circumstances.

Good luck with honoring your needs and wants in your conversation, and remember to respect your friend’s feelings as well while navigating this sensitive situation. 

— The Sexpert

Information provided by University Health Services and Harvard Health.