Category Archives: Relationships

Interview with Princeton Plays

In this edition of the Ask the Sexpert Column, we’ll be the ones asking the questions. On December 1st, we had the privilege of the interviewing Jaspreet Kalsi, board member and co-founder of the student group Princeton Plays, the only kink and BDSM community on campus.

Q: Hey Jaspreet, thanks for agreeing to do this interview with us. I wanted to start of by asking you to describe what exactly is Princeton Plays?

A: Hi Sexperts, thanks for having me. So Princeton Plays is an ODUS-recognized group that supports an advocacy and education based community that serves for the betterment of Princeton’s health at-large. Princeton Plays seeks to establish an affirming and positive space to discuss matters of kink, provide education both within the group and partnering with groups across campus, promote safe and consensual methods of play, and increase awareness of the social contexts surrounding the kink community so that members will be prepared if they choose to engage in kink in their private or public lives. I should say that, contrary to some of the rumors around campus, we are not a sex club.

How did Princeton Plays get started?

The first iteration of the club was formed in 2014. Back then it was actually called Princeton in the Nation’s Service (PINS), although the LGBT center supported that group, it was never ODUS recognized and sort of fell off after a year or so.

In 2016, I had met a group of five other students who had heard of PINS and wanted to start it up again. We had a serious of informal meetings, essentially a gathering of friends, and over the course of the year we helped create an organized group of about 20. Around the same time we came up with the name Princeton Plays. Our affiliation with the LGBT center really helped in allowing us to grow as a group.

In spring of 2017, the process of becoming a formally recognized student organization had begun. In the Fall of the 2017/18 academic year, we became Women*s center affiliated, SHARE affiliated, and University Health Services (UHS) affiliated. In December of 2017 we became ODUS recognized. At the start of the 18/19 academic year we had about 50-60 people on the listserv and now, only a few months later, we are at about 110 members, and we are proud to say we are not a homogenous group. Also shout out to the amazing Princeton Plays board. The success of the organization has been a true team effort!

You mentioned that Princeton Plays aims to improve Princeton’s health in general. How do you think the club does that?

There are plenty of resources for sexual health [and consent information] on campus – Peer Health Advisers, SHARE peers, and the Student Health Advisory Board. But one area that is lacking is education on alternative sexual practices. I classify these “alternative” practices as anything that would fall under the purview of “kink.” Our definition of kink is one that mostly focuses on fetishes and BDSM.

Princeton Plays has three main principles that center around the betterment of Princeton’s sexual health and wellbeing.

First off, we focus on the educating our members on the physical aspects of kink. If we look at how popular things like 50 Shades of Gray has become, it is obvious that there is widespread interest in alternative sexual practices. There are people on our campus who take part in these kinds of behaviors, and it is important to learn how to do these things in the safest way possible. Just this month, Plays hosted our third rope bondage workshop and we have an impact play workshop scheduled for the near future. No matter how careful you are, mistakes can happen. For example if you’re tying someone up, it is your responsibility to know how do so in a safe way. And similarly, if you’re the one being tied up, it is also your responsibility to know the risks involved.

The next principle is one of community. While kink has gained plenty of traction, it remains to be often looked down upon as “deviant” by a significant amount of the general population. Princeton Plays hopes to create a safe space, where people can come and feel safe, free of judgment for their sexual preferences. For example, at all of our workshops and meetings, we start with a disclaimer which states that members are free to share as much or as little information about themselves as they would like – they don’t even have to give us their name if they would prefer not to. In this community, we hope to practice things safely without having individuals out themselves. Safety and confidentiality are of paramount importance to us. We have a rule which states that any member that is known to share information about another member without their consent is, without exception, banned from the organization.

The third and final pillar is our commitment to improving the scholarly and theoretical discussions on kink. Our unique position as a Princeton University kink club gives us access to resources that other organizations not in an educational setting might not have access to. For example there are scholars and lecturers that can inform our members on the theoretical work behind alternative sexual practices. Plays has aspirations to host a colloquium of university kink clubs here at Princeton. We are already in the process of contacting and organizing. By bringing people together who think about this sort of thing, we hope to improve the field of kink and queer theory while promoting good, educated sexual health practices.

I wanted to ask, since privacy is so important for the group, how do you personally feel being one of the few publicly named members of Princeton Plays?

Well it’s both freeing and nerve-wracking. I grew up in a small, predominantly white town as the only person who wore a turban, so I’ve always stuck out in a way. I think growing up with that experience has emboldened me to always be an individual and to be true to myself. Like, I have aspirations of going to medical school someday. It is of course risky, since I could miss out on some opportunities, but someone’s gotta do it, so it might as well be me. It is part of my religious beliefs that all humans are one, and that we are all equal in God’s eyes and thus we should accept each other as we are and support the health of everyone. I hope that my public expression of individuality will inspire others to be themselves.

How can people get involved?

Email the listserv! If you send an email to plays@princeton.edu you will be put in touch with a board member who can answer all the questions, give you info about meetings.

Anything else you want people to know about Princeton Plays?

We are a community that want to help you be you! No one should be afraid of being themselves, and we hope to share knowledge and community with all those interested.

First-Year Virgin: How should I go about having sex for the first time?

Dear Sexpert,

Now that we’re a month into the school year, it seems like my friends have been hooking up or having sex more frequently than I am.  I feel insecure about my lack of sexual experiences and I would like to lose my virginity. How should I go about having sex for the first time?

–First-year virgin

image of sock on door

Hi first-year virgin,

Sexual debut can be a source of stress for many.  Sometimes, it may seem like everyone else is engaging in more sexual activity than us. Surveys of Princeton undergraduates tell us that about 61% of current Princeton undergrads have one or more sexual partners in the past year, while 39% have had none. Despite what your peers are doing, though, it is important to note that the decisions of when, how, and with whom to have sex are extremely personal ones. Whatever you choose, make sure it feels right for you!

The concept of virginity is a social construct (and a heteronormative one, too) that tends to place unnecessary pressure on those who abstain from engaging in sexual activities or those who abstain from sexual activity other than penile-vaginal intercourse.  Often, losing one’s virginity is considered to be a uniform, landmark event in one’s life; however, a first sexual experience can encompass a multitude of different forms and personal, cultural, or religious significance.  For some, the loss of virginity might include engaging in any form of sexual activity involving the genitals, engaging in new sexual experiences or activities with a current partner, engaging in sexual activities with a new partner, or having an orgasm. That being said, on your quest to expand your sexual experiences, I would encourage you to first think about and define what virginity means to you.  

In thinking about how you might find a potential sexual partner, many students meet people anywhere from their classes and organizations to parties, to dating apps like Tinder or Grindr, or through mutual friends.  When engaging in any sexual activity for the first time, it is important to be aware of boundaries and practice open communication with your partner because first sexual experiences may be nerve-wracking or uncomfortable.  For example, people with vaginas who wish to engage in penetrative sex may experience discomfort upon penetration due to insufficient lubrication and increased friction, stretching of the vaginal walls, or the breakage of the hymen, a membrane covering the opening of the vagina. (Note: breaking of the hymen can occur through other non-sexual activities [e.g., using tampons, exercise] and also may not occur during penetrative sex).  That said, using sufficient lubrication and focusing on foreplay to increase arousal can help ease physical discomfort.  Nerves or anxiety, which may be associated with first sexual encounters, can affect the sexual functions of penises and vaginas alike. For people with penises, nerves may make it hard to achieve or maintain a full erection. For people with vaginas, nerves can prevent natural lubrication of the vagina. Constant communication is another way to prevent nervousness or discomfort before and during sexual activity.

Before engaging in sexual activity for the first time, make sure that you are taking care of your health and safety. Using barrier methods can lower risk of transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STI) and, if relevant, contraceptive methods to prevent pregnancy (if you will be engaging in penile-vaginal sex).  It is important to talk to your partner. If the sexual activity of your choice involves penile penetration (of the vagina, anus or mouth), it is important to use an external (male) condom or internal (female) condom to prevent STI transmission.  If fingers will be used to stimulate the genital areas, a finger cot or condom can be used as a barrier.  If you wish to learn more about barrier methods or have further questions about sexual health, you can make an appointment online with a sexual health provider through MyUHS.

I hope this article has reinforced that choices regarding sex are personal, and sexual experiences need not be restricted to a timeline.  Whether you choose to explore sexual experiences with a partner immediately or far in the future, your choices are valid.

-The Sexpert

Information for this article was obtained from Kinsey Confidential and Go Ask Alice.

Not-Into-Intercourse: How can my partner and I be intimate with each other without having sex / what are different forms of outercourse?

Dear Sexpert,

I love my partner very much, but I am not sure that I am ready to have sex with my partner yet. Are there ways to be intimate without having sex?

–Not-Into-Intercourse

Continue reading Not-Into-Intercourse: How can my partner and I be intimate with each other without having sex / what are different forms of outercourse?

Friends or More: Is the intimacy you have with a friend different than the intimacy you have with a romantic partner?

Dear Sexpert,

I wonder if you think that the emotional intimacy that you have with a friend versus a romantic partner is substantively different?

–Friends or More?

Continue reading Friends or More: Is the intimacy you have with a friend different than the intimacy you have with a romantic partner?

Unhappy Receiver: What do I do if I am receiving inappropriate, sexual messages from a classmate?

Dear Sexpert,

cell phoneOne of my classmates keeps on sending me inappropriate, sexual text messages that I don’t feel comfortable about. What should I do? I am worried that things would be really awkward between us if I confront them.  

–Unhappy Receiver

Continue reading Unhappy Receiver: What do I do if I am receiving inappropriate, sexual messages from a classmate?

Too Much?: Is having sex 3-4 times per day going overboard?

Dear Sexpert,

Is there such a thing as too much sex? My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship so every time we see each other, we have sex about 3 to 4 times per day. Sometimes my vagina feels sore afterwards and penetration becomes painful. With Winter Break coming up, I don’t know whether to be worried or not or how to bring this up with my boyfriend. Please help!

–Too Much or Just Overreacting?

Continue reading Too Much?: Is having sex 3-4 times per day going overboard?

The Real Girl: What if my boyfriend watches too much porn?

Dear Sexpert,

My boyfriend watches a lot of porn. A lot of porn. He watches porn every night before he falls asleep, even the nights that we have sex; he often wants to watch it to get in the mood before we have sex. It makes me uncomfortable and I have tried to talk to him about it, but he says I’m being controlling and just don’t understand. But I don’t feel like I can be sexually or emotionally intimate with someone who would rather watch porn than be with me.

–TheRealGirl

Continue reading The Real Girl: What if my boyfriend watches too much porn?

Uncertain Sexter: Is it safe to send my partner nude pictures?

Dear Sexpert,

I started a relationship a few weeks ago and I am having a lot of fun with my partner. They’ve been asking me to send “sexy” pictures of myself and I have sent a few. But after reading some articles about sexting, I am not too sure how I feel. Should I be worried? I don’t know how to bring it up since my relationship is pretty new.

—Uncertain Sexter

Continue reading Uncertain Sexter: Is it safe to send my partner nude pictures?

Expanding My Horizons: How do I tell my partner I’m ready for oral sex?

Two heads facing away from each other with question marks followed by two heads facing each other with heartsDear Sexpert,

My relationship with my partner has become pretty serious and we’re ready to be more intimate with each other. While I’m interested in experimenting with oral sex, I’m still not ready to do more than that. How do I explain this to my partner without offending them?

Expanding My Horizons

Continue reading Expanding My Horizons: How do I tell my partner I’m ready for oral sex?

Dorm-less for the Night: What should I do if I’m being sexiled?

Dear Sexpert,

From what I hear, things are beginning to get hot and heavy between my roommate and his partner.  I wouldn’t be surprised if my room was their final destination after a night out this weekend.  I’ve never had a roommate before, so what should I do if my roommate wants to have sex in our room?  Where should I go?

–Dorm-less for the night

Continue reading Dorm-less for the Night: What should I do if I’m being sexiled?

Digitally Apprehensive: Does online dating work?

Dear Sexpert~

My love life has been pretty slow for a while and I haven’t had much luck meeting people in person. I’ve thought about trying online dating, but I’m too embarrassed to actually go through with it. I’m also worried about safety and being catfished. Do you think it’s still worth a shot?

–Digitally Apprehensive

Continue reading Digitally Apprehensive: Does online dating work?

Confused Club Member: This my first time having casual sex–what should I do?

Dear Sexpert,

I just joined an eating club, and I’m already excited about all the new friends I’m making! I’ve also started hooking up with someone I recently met in the club. Our relationship is pretty casual, and for the most part, physical. In fact, when we’re eating dinner in a group or hanging around the club during the day, I feel like I’m barely acknowledged. We are both enjoying the physical side of our relationship, but I also feel confused about having casual sex. What should I do?

–Confused Club Member

  Continue reading Confused Club Member: This my first time having casual sex–what should I do?

Looking for Someone: What’s the best way to use apps like Tinder and Grindr?

Dear Sexpert,

There are a lot of preconceived notions about Tinder and Grindr, and similar “matchmaking” apps. With all the hype surrounding Tinder and Grindr, I’m interested in trying them out. I think I know how these apps all work, but have concerns about their impact on my sexual wellness. Do you have any tips before diving in?  

–Looking For Someone

Continue reading Looking for Someone: What’s the best way to use apps like Tinder and Grindr?

Silent Sam: How do I tell my partner that I have an STI?

Dear Sexpert,

I just started hooking up with this girl I have been interested in for a while, which is great! The bad news is that I just got some results from an STI test I got just before this all happened and it looks like I might have a minor STI. I need to tell her because we didn’t use protection the last time we got together, but I don’t know how! I like this girl, and I don’t want to screw things up right off the bat with this. What do I do?

–Silent Sam

Continue reading Silent Sam: How do I tell my partner that I have an STI?