Category Archives: Sex Positivity

Communication, Dating, Relationships, Sex Positivity

Apprehensive Adventurer: Sexual exploration in a relationship

Dear Sexpert,

My partner has asked me if I would ever engage in roleplay and sex that includes “tying me up.” I’ve never done anything like that before and could be open to the idea, but feel weird and kind of dirty for wanting to try it. I don’t want to make my partner feel bad by being hesitant, but at the same time, I don’t want to rush into anything without being completely sure that I want to do it. How do I handle this situation?

— Apprehensive Adventurer 

Dear Apprehensive Adventurer,

Thank you for opening up about how you’re feeling. Rest assured, you’re not alone in feeling apprehensive. Trying new things sexually can be exciting and fun but may require you to step outside of your comfort levels. It’s good that you are being mindful of your boundaries and taking care of yourself by only agreeing to engage in activities that you are ready to pursue. Most importantly, as with any sexual behavior, it should be mutually consensual, with consent being:

  • Freely given (without coercion or manipulation, not given while incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, and not asleep or unconscious) 
  • Reversible (able to be revoked at any point)
  • Informed (through dialogue and mutual decision-making) 
  • Enthusiastic (verbal and non-verbal cues that are affirmative, e.g., saying “yes”, head nodding, etc.)
  • Specific (detailed and limited to determined activities)

This means that if you decide to try role play or bondage activities, you are having open and on-going communication with your partner, and you can change your mind at any point. 

Feeling hesitant about trying something new is completely normal! So is being intrigued by sexual exploration and wanting to engage in fantasy. In fact, it’s so common that there is a classification of main themes related to sexual fantasy. Although the possibilities are endless, a 4,000+ person, 350 question survey in 2018 conducted by sex educator Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., found that there are seven main fantasy themes when it comes to sexual imagination. It sounds like what your partner is suggesting falls into the category of power and control. (Important to note: Engaging in power and control or other BDSM behaviors is never an excuse for causing violence or harm — it requires explicit consent.)

Feel free to research this category on informal websites like Scarleteen or Bedsider — it might help you feel less “weird” or “dirty” for exploring your sexual imagination. Sexual shame can come from societal influences or cultural norms and often functions as a barrier to authentic self-expression. Yet once again, don’t feel pressure to partake in an activity simply because other people are doing it, or because your partner suggests it. Take the time to reflect on why you feel unsure and validate your own feelings, and explore what, if anything, would make you feel more certain about trying something new.

When talking about experimenting sexually with your partner, remember that clear and constant communication is key. Be honest with your partner about feeling tentative. And if you do decide to experiment with power and control, establish a safe word to ensure that you have an easy and quick way to communicate what you need in the moment. Go slow! There’s no rush, and remember that you can always change your mind at any point. You may also want to build in time for debrief or a conversation afterwards, so you can continue discussing what you both liked, didn’t like, or would want to do differently in the future. 

Having a sexual imagination or feeling sexual desire is no reason to feel ashamed! Just make sure that you are establishing clear communication with your partner, and acting in a way that is consensual and respectful of both of your boundaries. 

Bon Voyage!

—The Sexpert

Communication, Masturbation, Relationships, Sex Positivity, Sex Toys

Eager Explorer: Navigating curiosity, sex, and self-discovery

Dear Sexpert,

I’m starting my first year here, and everything feels so new and exciting — especially when it comes to dating and sex. I’ve never really explored my sexuality before, but now I’m meeting new people, and I feel excited to try new things. I’m curious about toys, protection, and different types of intimacies. I’m also questioning my sexual orientation and gender identity, and I want to have the space to explore that. Is this normal? How do I know what’s right for me without feeling pressured or overwhelmed? How do I know I’m choosing the right partner? How do I know I’m making the right decisions regarding my identities? 

–Eager Explorer 

Dear Eager Explorer,

Starting college is a time of immense personal growth, and it’s completely normal to feel both excited and nervous about exploring new aspects of yourself — especially when it comes to sex, intimacy, and identity. You’re not alone in having these feelings. Many students, especially in their first year, are exploring their sexual desires, gender identities, and sexual orientations. For many people, the new environment presents a chance to reinvent yourself and explore new perspectives. It is important to remember that self-exploration is a personal journey, and there’s no definite way to go about it. The key is to take things at your own pace and make decisions that feel authentic to you.

When it comes to exploring your sexuality the most important thing is education. The more informed you are, the more empowered you’ll feel. For example, if pregnancy prevention is a concern, understanding the different types of contraception — like internal and external condoms or birth control methods — and how they protect against pregnancy can allow you to feel confident and prepared to engage in sexual activities. The same is true for barrier methods and testing for sexually transmitted diseases, which lowers the risk of STI transmission. Additionally, you can always make an appointment with a Sexual Health and Wellness (SHAW) provider through MyUHS to discuss different contraceptives or barrier methods more thoroughly and figure out which may be best for you.  

Similarly, experimenting with toys can ensure your safety when exploring your own anatomy, sexual desires and boundaries, either alone or with a partner. Check out this past Sexpert article to learn more about how to explore self-pleasure.

Furthermore, sexual orientation and gender identity are deeply personal aspects of who you are, and they can evolve over time. It’s completely normal to question these aspects of your identity as you grow, and college can be a great time to give yourself the space to do so. Feeling overwhelmed by these new experiences is also common, especially considering such new possibilities intertwined with the pressure to figure everything out. What’s helpful to know is that there’s no timeline for figuring out your sexual identity or orientation, and there’s no “right or wrong” decision to make. Decisions that feel right to you now may shift as you continue to grow. The  Gender + Sexuality Resource Center (GSRC) has various online educational guides that may help guide you through exploring and understanding different gender identities and sexual orientations. You can also connect with professional staff, student staff and peer educators, or student groups coordinated through the GSRC. Give yourself the grace to explore without pressure to define anything and know that there’s no need to fit yourself into any discrete category.

When exploring sexual experiences, communication and consent are essential. Talk openly with your partner(s) about what you’re comfortable with and what you’d like to try. This “How I Like It Inventory” can assist you in your self-reflection and even how you communicate your needs and wants. The right partner should respect your boundaries, listen to your needs, and make you feel safe. Trust your gut — if someone makes you feel uneasy, it’s important to listen to those instincts. Remember, consent is ongoing, so you can always change your mind about anything you’re not comfortable with, no matter what you’ve agreed to in the past. When it comes to navigating your sexual orientation and gender identity, take your time. It can be helpful to find supportive communities, either on campus or online, where you can explore these questions without judgment.

The Gender + Sexuality Resource Center (GSRC), located on the second floor of the Frist Campus Center, has many resources for students. They provide contraceptives, have peer educators, and hold numerous events throughout the academic year which can be a great place to meet other students. Seeking community amongst students who may be going through similar experiences can help you reflect on your feelings and better understand who you are and what feels right for you.

If you ever feel overwhelmed or just want to talk things through, you can always reach out to University Health Services (UHS). Whether you’re interested in speaking with a counselor at CPS, getting more information about sexual health and contraception, or exploring gender-affirming care, the resources on campus are here to support you. Remember, there’s no rush to figure everything out right now. College is about exploring and learning — not just in the classroom but also about yourself. Take it one step at a time, and don’t be afraid to seek out support whenever you need it!

— The Sexpert

Information for this article obtained from University Health Services and UMatter.

Communication, Masturbation, Personal Health & Hygiene, Sex Positivity, Sex Toys

Private Pleasure-Seeker: Navigating Self-Pleasure in College

Dear Sexpert,

I’ve been reading here on the Sexpert about the benefits of masturbation, from stress-relief and to being a healthy activity, and I even read about sex toys. My question is though, when or where can I masturbate? I share a double room with a roommate, and we have communal restrooms. My concerns are that: A) it would be weird to bring up the subject to ask for alone time, B) the walls are paper thin, so it may be obvious what I’m doing, and C) where would I wash my sex toy? It may seem quite weird and perhaps even embarrassing to be caught washing a sex toy in the restroom, let alone having to find a place to let it dry in my room.

Thanks, Sexpert!

— Private Pleasure-Seeker

Dear Private Pleasure-Seeker,

Great questions! There are a lot of benefits to masturbation and exploring self-pleasure, but navigating sexual exploration while maintaining privacy can be tricky in shared living conditions. Fortunately, following a certain etiquette will allow you to maintain privacy, while also feeling comfortable to explore sexually. 

Simply put, masturbation should only be done in private places where you can feel comfortable while not creating an uncomfortable environment for others. The only exception is consensual exhibitionism — but that can only take place when all individuals in the space have consented. Therefore, a communal/public restroom is not the best place to engage in sexual pleasure. You can perhaps figure out some time that you know your roommate will be out of the room and you can have alone time. Alternatively, if you feel comfortable, have an open or discrete discussion with your roommate about creating a designated “alone time” in the room for either of you. For example, you can discuss each other’s schedules and plan out some time when you know the other won’t be in the room, or you can compromise certain times blocked out where you or your roommate can get the room to yourselves. Discussions of alone time in the dorm and privacy, regardless of the reason, are completely normal conversations to have with a roommate and can be productive in understanding each other’s comfort zones and needs regarding sharing a living space. 

To maintain privacy and discretion if you’re worried, there are soundless sex toys that may reduce any noise concerns you have. 

Cleaning sex toys after use is important for maintaining your health and safety. Most toys can be surface cleaned — especially if only being used by you — with a mild soap and warm water. You can also purchase cleaning supplies specifically made for sex toys, like a spray, but these often need to be washed off after anyways. Make sure whatever cleaner you are using is compatible with the toy’s materials. Avoid using any products that you would not also put on your skin (e.g., bleach, alcohol, glass cleaner, hydrogen peroxide, and abrasives). There are also ways to be discreet when washing and drying sex toys. For example, you can transport them in some sort of bag and wash them in the shower. When drying, you can wrap it in a towel to dry or leave it to air dry when you know your roommate will be out of the room. At the end of the day, all of this depends on the comfortability between you and your roommate and the level of discretion you two feel comfortable with. 

It’s important to remember that sexual exploration is completely normal and healthy! Conversation is beneficial to come to a consensus with your roommate on boundaries and privacy in the dorm so you can feel comfortable in your sexual journey.

Sincerely,
The Sexpert

Please note that the inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement or recommendation of any particular product or company by The Sexpert.

Photo credit: Morderska, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Communication, Dating, Protective Barriers, Relationships, Sex Positivity

Uncertain Underclassmen: Approaching hook-up culture on campus

Dear Sexpert,

Throughout my first few weeks on campus, it seems like everyone is focused on hooking up during nights out. I’ve never done anything like that before, but I feel kind of pressured to start. Hooking up wasn’t really big among my friends back home and my health class only discussed abstinence. Plus, my parents usually just avoided any sex-related conversations altogether. I don’t want my new friends to think that I’m weird or anything for staying on the sidelines though. Should I just go for it already? 

— Uncertain Underclassman

Dear Uncertain Underclassman,

Your worries are completely valid — and more common than you might think. Adjusting to the new social environment on campus, even for upperclassmen/returning students, can be overwhelming. Before jumping to any conclusions about what others are doing, you might want to ask what your friends really mean by “hooking up.” The term can mean anything from making out to engaging in vaginal or anal sex. Try not to let social pressures — even from your new friends — cloud your judgment on intimate matters. Of course, separating yourself from the perceived norms on campus is no easy task. Still, regardless of what your friends or peers are doing, the decision to start exploring physical intimacy — i.e., any form of sensuous contact — ultimately resides with you.

It’s important to understand that what you may see or hear about sex on campus is likely not an accurate representation of what’s “normal.” Those who are not engaging in sexual activity tend to be less vocal about that choice than their sexually active peers are. Our data suggest that the percentage of students not engaging in oral, vaginal, or anal intercourse is higher than those who do. Only 27.4% of current freshmen arriving on campus have ever had sex, according to The Daily Princetonian’s 2026 frosh survey. Based on the ACHA-NCHA III Spring 2023 survey of undergraduate students in the United States, 39 percent have never engaged in oral sex, 44 percent have never engaged% in vaginal, and 84 percent have never engaged% in anal. Therefore, whether or not you choose to participate in sexual activity, your behavior will certainly not be outside of the norm. 

Oftentimes, you’ll hear that you should wait to engage in physical intimacy until “the time is right.” Unfortunately, that timing can be very difficult to discern and is influenced by many factors. Luckily, you’ve already gotten off to a great start by simply taking the time to think about whether “the time is right” for you. Reflecting on what you’re comfortable with and setting personal boundaries while level-headed can help prevent getting swept up in the moment — especially when under the influence or caught up in the excitement of a night out. It’s easier to make a decision about engaging in physical intimacy when you can rationally weigh the options, rather than going on an impulse or giving in to social pressure. 

The start of college is a great time to iron out your values as an individual — and that goes for your sexual life too. When deciding whether or not you’d like to engage in physical intimacy, try to separate how you actually feel from all of the external forces in your life. Consider yourself in relation to your familial upbringing, cultural norms, and spiritual values — all of which can play an important role in your decision. If relevant, the chaplains at the Office of Religious Life can serve as  helpful resources for navigating your sex life from a religious perspective. For more support in exploring sexual identity, you can also connect with staff or peer educators at the Gender + Sexuality Resource Center. At the end of the day, whatever decision you make about choosing to engage in sexual activity is not binding in any way; it’s simply a way to take stock of your boundaries and expectations as you start this new chapter.

Once you sort out where you stand among these diverse influences, the next step is communication. You should always be upfront with potential romantic or sexual partners about your boundaries and goals for intimacy, and respect theirs. A helpful tool is the “How I Like It” Inventory. You can fill it out to explore for yourself, and/or have your partner fill it out; comparing results can help you to find what you want to do together. Making your expectations well known and communicating with your partner about your level of experience in sex, ahead of time, can prevent misunderstandings and feeling pressured down the line. Moreover, make sure to continue having these discussions throughout your interactions because boundaries and desires can easily fluctuate. 

Finally, if you do decide to begin exploring physical intimacy, make sure you do so safely. Use an appropriate barrier method such as a condom (external or internal), dental dam, or finger cot to prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If engaging in penile-vaginal sex, use a reliable contraception method to prevent any unwanted pregnancies. Condoms, birth control, STI testing, and sexual health appointments are all available through Sexual Health and Wellness at University Health Services. Ultimately, your first semester at college can be an exciting time of self and sexual discovery,  so make sure you stay safe and healthy while exploring your boundaries.

Best of luck! 

— The Sexpert

Information for this article is provided by the American College Health Association’s National College Health Assessment III, Daily Princetonian, and University Health Services.

Personal Health & Hygiene, Sex Positivity

global trotter: Sexual health care abroad

Dear Sexpert,

I want to go abroad this summer but I am concerned about receiving sexual health care abroad in a more conservative country. I am also gay going to a country where gay relationships are generally not accepted. What should I do?

-Global Trotter

Dear Global Trotter,

Whenever travelling abroad for internships or vacation, you should always consider your health and safety. It is important to have a plan in place in the event that you become ill or injured while traveling. It’s great that you are learning more about how to keep yourself healthy and safe before traveling.

Sexual health resources vary between countries and if you require sexual health care while abroad or if you expect that you will need specific sexual health services while abroad, it can be useful to know what resources are available in the country that you will be traveling to before deciding to go there. If you travel with a University-sponsored trip such as for an internship through the International Internship Program, the Streicker Fund, the Global Health Program, or the Princeton Environmental Institute, or for thesis research funded through University sources, you are automatically enrolled in International SOS, which is an international emergency medical assistance and insurance service. International SOS will be able to connect you to accredited, English-speaking doctors in the country and will often be able to connect you to LGBTQ+ healthcare allies at your request. Before traveling, consult with representatives at ISOS either by phone or email to inquire about the medical resources available and if you should be concerned about any security risks. They will be able to let you know if they recommend that you travel. If you find yourself needing medical attention abroad, you should contact International SOS for assistance regardless if it is a general medical concern or a sexual health concern.

If you are planning to travel internationally to places other than Western Europe and Australia, it is recommended that you make a Travel Health appointment with University Health Services 4-6 weeks prior to international travel to learn about country-specific risks and precautions and how to stay healthy while traveling. During this appointment, you may also ask your medical provider questions related to sexual health concerns or services while abroad. If you take medication such as birth control or PrEP, let your provider know so they can guide you through the steps needed to acquire enough drug for the duration of your trip.

As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, it is important to also consider the social climate, local laws, and norms around sexual orientation and gender identity within the country that you wish to travel to. Before your trip, advisers at the Office of International Programs (OIP) can discuss options with you. OIP’s website also resources to help you navigate identity in other countries, including a geographic map of sexual orientation protection and criminalization laws by country. You can also email the LGBT Center (lgbt@princeton.edu) to discuss some pre-departure safety considerations or to get in contact with other LGBTQ+ identified students, who have studied abroad in your host country, to learn from their experiences.

Different cultures may also perceive gender identity or sexual orientation differently. For example, while you might be more easily seen as “gay” at home, locals in your host country might read you as straight. Additionally, you may have to decide whether and/or how to “come out” to your new social circles while abroad. Or how to safely find community with other LGBTQ+ folks in your host country.

If on University travel, you are subject to the host country’s laws, as University travel policy states that the University will not provide any legal services to students arrested while traveling abroad. In some countries, being gay is considered illegal and a punishable crime. In other countries, being gay is legal but not as socially accepted (i.e., may be met with hostility). You may be able to travel to extremely conservative societies by “hiding” your sexuality but it is important to consider the emotional toll of doing this. If you are concerned about this, reach out to Counseling & Psychological Services at McCosh Health Center to discuss your concerns, and to talk through support options while abroad.

Remember, there are a ton of campus and online resources to support you in navigating this decision. Consulting with International SOS, University Health Services, Office of International Programs or your specific program, or the LGBT Center should be able to help you make an informed decision about where to travel and how to maintain your health and safety.

Safe travels,

The Sexpert

Here are some additional resources:

U.S. State Department LGBTI traveler information: https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/international-travel/before-you-go/travelers-with-special-considerations/lgbti.html

https://www.gooverseas.com/blog/lgbtq-study-abroad-safety-issues

The International Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Association (IGLA World) – https://ilga.org/maps-sexual-orientation-laws

https://case.edu/lgbt/sites/case.edu.lgbt/files/2018-04/lgbt-study-abroad-guide.pdf

Information for this article provided by Global ProgramSystem – Princeton University, LGBT Center, Office of International Programs and University-Sponsored International Travel regulations.

Personal Health & Hygiene, Sex Positivity

Campus sexplorer: is it okay to have sex in public spaces?

Hi Sexpert,

My partner and I have made a bucket list of places to have sex before we graduate. We were thinking of places like Frick, Frist, and Firestone. Do you have any tips for us?

-Campus Sexplorer

Dear Campus Sexplorer,

Thank you so much for your question. People have different preferences in regards to where they choose to have sex. While some may prefer having sex in a private place (or a traditional space like a bedroom), some may prefer having sex in a more public place (and are even aroused by the excitement of potentially getting caught). Others are open to all options. Wherever you choose to have sex is up to you but there are several things to take into consideration when selecting a location. First, it is important to take into consideration the attitudes of other people. While you may enjoy having sex in Frick, students, staff, and visitors do not necessarily want to be involved or witness your sexual act.

From a legal standpoint, it is also important to keep in mind that it is illegal to have intercourse or sexual activity such as oral sex in public places (N.J.R.S. 2C:14-4). If caught, you could be charged with a misdemeanor which if found guilty may remain on your permanent record and you may be placed on the sex offender registry. Even if you have sex in a car in a secluded place at night, that is still considered public sex in almost all jurisdictions. Although sex in a public restroom stall with the door closed is out of public view, most state decency laws prohibit sex in public restrooms. Dancing or grinding on each other is not considered a violation of the law but oral and manual (handjobs) copulation is considered sex and you can be charged with public indecency even if the genitalia is not visible. Having sex in a public place at Princeton is also considered a violation of Rights, Rules, and Responsibilities and you may face additional disciplinary action by the university if caught (RRR 1.3.3 “Sexual Misconduct”).

While we do not condone illegal behavior, if you choose to engage in sex acts in more public places, consider times when it might be less populated, like late at night or early in the morning. Or look for places where you can lock the door. This way you are less likely to get caught, or to be inconsiderate to the people around you.

It is completely understandable if you are aroused by the danger aspect of public sex. If that’s the thrill you’re looking for, you could try having sex in your room with the blinds open, as a safer way to experiment with exhibitionism without getting caught. You can also fantasize aloud with your partner about what you want to do in public to get your engines revved up, but then take it to a private place to play it out.

Ultimately, when deciding a place to have sex always remember to remain respectful of your community members and ensure both you and your partner feel comfortable, consent to all activities, and practice safer sex.

Best,

The Sexpert

Information for this article provided by NJ State Legislature, Princeton University’s Rights Rules and Responsibilities, and Criminal Defense Lawyer.com

Sex Positivity

Fluid Detective: Cum or Discharge?

Dear Sexpert,

Basically, my boyfriend and I were in bed. He was going down on me while simultaneously fingering me. When he was doing that I felt like something was going to be released but I thought it would be squirting. My body did become a little tensed up and my muscles felt stuck. When we finished having intercourse, he said that there was some liquid that has flown down my vagina. He thought it was cum. I have a history of white discharge, but this one seemed a lot more liquidy. I don’t know if I came or if it was white discharge. Could you help me out? 

-Fluid Detective 

Dear Fluid Detective,

For people with vaginas, ejaculation is a topic that’s widely contested, infrequently researched, and often misunderstood, so I’m happy to provide you with some information.  Let’s start by distinguishing between orgasm/coming and “squirting.”  Orgasm can occur from oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris, as well as vaginal penetration.  Although the physiological and emotional responses associated with an orgasm vary from person to person, an orgasm is associated with contraction of pelvic floor muscles (the muscles located under the uterus, bladder and bowel), intense pleasurable sensation, and the release of hormones, endorphins, or fluid.  Some people experience altered states of consciousness, changes in  breathing or heart rate, or feelings of warmth.  Therefore, the sensation of tense and tightened muscles you described could have been an orgasm!

As mentioned, orgasm may or may not be accompanied by the release of fluid.  A literature review published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2013 found that 10-54% of women have experienced orgasm accompanied by release of fluid.  Limited research suggests that this release of fluid,  sometimes known as “squirting”, has been associated with a specific area on the vaginal wall called the G-spot.  The G-spot is a sensitive area behind the front wall of the vagina located between the back of the pubic bone and the cervix.  When stimulated with penetration of a penis, fingers, or other object, some women report a gush of fluid rushing from the urethra.  Recent research has found that this fluid, produced by the Skene’s gland near the urethra, is similar to that produced during penile ejaculation–minus the sperm– and may contain urine.  The fluid is generally odorless and can be clear or milky.  Fluid from “squirting” is not to be confused with arousal fluid or vaginal lubrication, which is a common physiological response to sexual excitement.  During arousal, an increase in blood flow to the genital area pushes fluid to the surface of the vaginal walls.  This lubrication allows for smoother penetration of the vagina.

Due to the broad range of sexual responses and experiences with orgasm, there is no way to tell whether the liquid you are referring to was an experience with “squirting” or vaginal lubrication. Experimenting with G-spot and clitoral stimulation by yourself or with your partner could give you a better idea of your body’s physiological responses and the range of orgasmic experiences that are possible.  For clitoral stimulation with the mouth, be sure to use a dental dam to lower risk of transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).  For stimulation of the G-spot via penile penetration, use a condom as a physical barrier method for STI and pregnancy prevention, or other form of birth control to prevent pregnancy, if you know your partner has tested negative for STIs.

If you have further questions or want to learn more about sexual health in general, you can make an appointment online with a sexual health provider through MyUHS.

-The Sexpert

References:

  1. https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/g-spot
  2. https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/male-and-female-orgasm-—-different-0
  3. https://helloclue.com/articles/cycle-a-z/getting-wet-cervical-fluid-vs-arousal-fluid-vs-discharge
  4. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23634659%20

 

Personal Health & Hygiene, Sex Positivity

Dry and Dissatisfied: Vaginal Lubrication

Dear Sexpert,

Hi, I don’t get much lubrication in my vagina when I’m having sex, is there any food or drink to help get wetter?

Best,

Dry and Dissatisfied

Dear Dry and Dissatisfied,

Thank you for reaching out to the Sexpert with your question!  Many people with vaginas struggle with lubrication during sexual activities.  First, a quick anatomy lesson: vaginal walls are hydrated by a thin layer of clear, odorless fluid.  The hormone that regulates this fluid is estrogen.  Estrogen influences lubrication of the vagina by influencing the pH of the vagina and vaginal secretions.  Without adequate moisture, vaginal tissues become fragile and irritated, and may even tear.  Beyond causing discomfort in everyday life, dryness can lead to painful sexual intercourse for many people with vaginas.

There are many reasons, ranging from physiological to emotional, why your vagina may be less lubricated when taking part in sexual activities.  For one, decreased moisture may be tied to a decline in estrogen levels as a result of menopause, breastfeeding, or taking oral contraceptives (i.e., birth control pill).  In addition, a variety of oral medications, from antihistamines (allergy season, anyone?) and decongestants to antidepressants, have been shown to decrease vaginal secretions.  Alcohol or other drug use (such as marijuana), in addition to impacting ability to consent, may also dehydrate you and increase vaginal dryness. Douching, or using a solution intended to “clean” the vagina can interfere with your natural pH and may increase dryness, as well. Emotional factors such as feeling stressed or distracted may also decrease natural lubrication by making it difficult to become aroused.

Perhaps the easiest issue to remedy is short duration of foreplay.  Since vaginal moisture is tied to arousal, you may find that lubrication improves when more time is spent focused on arousal before any penetration. This might involve stimulation of parts of the body other than the vagina, such as the breasts, neck, or other erogenous zones. Even simulation of your mind, such as exploring fantasies or watching porn, can increase arousal.

That being said, there are effective interventions for women struggling with painful sex as a result of vaginal dryness.  You may consider buying over-the-counter lubricants to provide additional lubrication.  However, make sure you purchase water-based or silicone-based lube (not oil-based) if using a latex condom to prevent the material from breaking down.  Do not use silicone-based lube on silicone toys, which can also cause material break-down. When it doubt, water-based lube works safely with most materials. It does, however, tend to dry up quicker when exposed to air, so make sure to have plenty on hand and add more as needed! In addition to over-the-counter lubricants, some healthcare providers might recommend taking supplemental estrogen to provide a more permanent solution to vaginal dryness.  A variety of estrogen products are available by prescription; you may be prescribed a vaginal estrogen ring, a vaginal estrogen tablet, or a vaginal estrogen cream. Consult with your provider if you find the other, non-prescription remedies insufficient.

In addition to over-the-counter lube or prescribed medication, some studies have found that certain food or drink has the ability to enhance vaginal lubrication.  Perhaps the easiest dietary solution to promote lubrication would be to drink more water!  Dehydration undoubtedly will lead to a dryer vagina.  In addition to water, other food and drink have been shown to enhance lubrication.  For example, the phytoestrogens in unprocessed soy products have been shown to enhance vaginal moisture.  In addition to soy, avocados, apples and flaxseeds have been shown to prevent dryness.

If vaginal dryness persists, you may want to make an appointment with a University Health Services’ clinician at McCosh Health Center by phone (609-258-3141) or online at MyUHS.  In some cases, a discussion of your health history and a physical examination may be useful in determining the cause of, and most effective methods to treat, vaginal dryness.

Information for this article provided by Bedsider and Cleveland Clinic.

Relationships, Sex Positivity, Sex Toys

Interview with Princeton Plays

In this edition of the Ask the Sexpert Column, we’ll be the ones asking the questions. On December 1st, we had the privilege of the interviewing Jaspreet Kalsi, board member and co-founder of the student group Princeton Plays, the only kink and BDSM community on campus.

Q: Hey Jaspreet, thanks for agreeing to do this interview with us. I wanted to start of by asking you to describe what exactly is Princeton Plays?

A: Hi Sexperts, thanks for having me. So Princeton Plays is an ODUS-recognized group that supports an advocacy and education based community that serves for the betterment of Princeton’s health at-large. Princeton Plays seeks to establish an affirming and positive space to discuss matters of kink, provide education both within the group and partnering with groups across campus, promote safe and consensual methods of play, and increase awareness of the social contexts surrounding the kink community so that members will be prepared if they choose to engage in kink in their private or public lives. I should say that, contrary to some of the rumors around campus, we are not a sex club.

How did Princeton Plays get started?

The first iteration of the club was formed in 2014. Back then it was actually called Princeton in the Nation’s Service (PINS), although the LGBT center supported that group, it was never ODUS recognized and sort of fell off after a year or so.

In 2016, I had met a group of five other students who had heard of PINS and wanted to start it up again. We had a serious of informal meetings, essentially a gathering of friends, and over the course of the year we helped create an organized group of about 20. Around the same time we came up with the name Princeton Plays. Our affiliation with the LGBT center really helped in allowing us to grow as a group.

In spring of 2017, the process of becoming a formally recognized student organization had begun. In the Fall of the 2017/18 academic year, we became Women*s center affiliated, SHARE affiliated, and University Health Services (UHS) affiliated. In December of 2017 we became ODUS recognized. At the start of the 18/19 academic year we had about 50-60 people on the listserv and now, only a few months later, we are at about 110 members, and we are proud to say we are not a homogenous group. Also shout out to the amazing Princeton Plays board. The success of the organization has been a true team effort!

You mentioned that Princeton Plays aims to improve Princeton’s health in general. How do you think the club does that?

There are plenty of resources for sexual health [and consent information] on campus – Peer Health Advisers, SHARE peers, and the Student Health Advisory Board. But one area that is lacking is education on alternative sexual practices. I classify these “alternative” practices as anything that would fall under the purview of “kink.” Our definition of kink is one that mostly focuses on fetishes and BDSM.

Princeton Plays has three main principles that center around the betterment of Princeton’s sexual health and wellbeing.

First off, we focus on the educating our members on the physical aspects of kink. If we look at how popular things like 50 Shades of Gray has become, it is obvious that there is widespread interest in alternative sexual practices. There are people on our campus who take part in these kinds of behaviors, and it is important to learn how to do these things in the safest way possible. Just this month, Plays hosted our third rope bondage workshop and we have an impact play workshop scheduled for the near future. No matter how careful you are, mistakes can happen. For example if you’re tying someone up, it is your responsibility to know how do so in a safe way. And similarly, if you’re the one being tied up, it is also your responsibility to know the risks involved.

The next principle is one of community. While kink has gained plenty of traction, it remains to be often looked down upon as “deviant” by a significant amount of the general population. Princeton Plays hopes to create a safe space, where people can come and feel safe, free of judgment for their sexual preferences. For example, at all of our workshops and meetings, we start with a disclaimer which states that members are free to share as much or as little information about themselves as they would like – they don’t even have to give us their name if they would prefer not to. In this community, we hope to practice things safely without having individuals out themselves. Safety and confidentiality are of paramount importance to us. We have a rule which states that any member that is known to share information about another member without their consent is, without exception, banned from the organization.

The third and final pillar is our commitment to improving the scholarly and theoretical discussions on kink. Our unique position as a Princeton University kink club gives us access to resources that other organizations not in an educational setting might not have access to. For example there are scholars and lecturers that can inform our members on the theoretical work behind alternative sexual practices. Plays has aspirations to host a colloquium of university kink clubs here at Princeton. We are already in the process of contacting and organizing. By bringing people together who think about this sort of thing, we hope to improve the field of kink and queer theory while promoting good, educated sexual health practices.

I wanted to ask, since privacy is so important for the group, how do you personally feel being one of the few publicly named members of Princeton Plays?

Well it’s both freeing and nerve-wracking. I grew up in a small, predominantly white town as the only person who wore a turban, so I’ve always stuck out in a way. I think growing up with that experience has emboldened me to always be an individual and to be true to myself. Like, I have aspirations of going to medical school someday. It is of course risky, since I could miss out on some opportunities, but someone’s gotta do it, so it might as well be me. It is part of my religious beliefs that all humans are one, and that we are all equal in God’s eyes and thus we should accept each other as we are and support the health of everyone. I hope that my public expression of individuality will inspire others to be themselves.

How can people get involved?

Email the listserv! If you send an email to plays@princeton.edu you will be put in touch with a board member who can answer all the questions, give you info about meetings.

Anything else you want people to know about Princeton Plays?

We are a community that want to help you be you! No one should be afraid of being themselves, and we hope to share knowledge and community with all those interested.

Masturbation, Sex Positivity

Browser: How much porn is too much porn?

Dear Sexpert;

Over the past year, I have been watching porn more and more. How much porn is too much porn and how do I know if I have a problem?

Browser

Hi Browser;

Thank you for your question! Over the years, as we have become more connected to the internet, our access to porn has grown and understandably, time spent watching porn has also increased. According to a 2017 study conducted by PornHub.com, its website receives 75 million unique daily visitors and has over one million hours of uploaded content. Increasingly, consumers are using their mobile phones to access such content, compared to magazines or computers. It is suffice to say that watching porn is not a rare occurrence but watching porn may become a problem if it begins to interfere with your everyday tasks.

You may want to start by asking yourself why your consumption of porn has increased. The answer to this question could indicate whether your use is situational (e.g., increased access, providing material for self-pleasure, getting ideas for acts with your partner(s), watching with partner(s) as foreplay, etc.), or potentially concerning.

Politics of porn aside, some research has indicated that watching porn has benefits. It has been shown to improve mental health by reducing stress. When you are stressed, your brain releases cortisol that blocks the ability to think clearly. According to a 2013 study conducted by Carnegie Mellon University, men who watched porn cut their cortisol levels by half and performed better on a math test. Porn can also bolster relationships by opening your minds to new sexual possibilities. On the flip side, porn can contribute to unrealistic expectations about our bodies (see recent question on penis size) and pleasure, and some depict demeaning or even violent acts that would be problematic if enacted in real life, without a partner’s consent. If you communicate effectively and mutually with your partner regarding your boundaries and expectations, porn can complement an intimate relationship.

It’s important to take these reported benefits with a grain of salt, though. The impacts will range from person to person. While porn may be beneficial to one relationship it may also be harmful to another. Although porn can reduce stress for one individual, it may cause another person to withdraw socially and adversely affect their mental or physical state. Signs that your porn consumption may be too much could include skipping class or other responsibilities to watch porn or missing social functions because you are watching porn. If your porn consumption is adversely affecting your relationship(s), such as making it difficult to be aroused in person or creating tension with your partner(s), or more generally impacting your life in ways you do not want, it may be time to speak to a professional. Talking with a counselor at CPS about your goals — whether it be around reducing your porn consumption and finding ways to use porn to benefit you–is a great place to start the conversation in a safe, nonjudgmental environment. Appointments with CPS counselors are confidential and free, and can be made online through your MyUHS portal.

In summary, how much porn is too much porn? The amount of porn consumed that constitutes too much porn varies from person to person but if your consumption of porn is affecting your everyday tasks or is adversely affecting your relationships, it might be time to speak to a professional. If your porn consumption is not adversely affecting your everyday life, stream away! Remember that the University’s networks allow you to stream, download, and torrent material freely, including porn.  However, downloading or torrenting any kind of copyrighted material without authorization or permission from the rights-holder is a violation of U. S. copyright law, and of the University’s own acceptable use policy.

Best Wishes,

The Sexpert

Sources

https://www.pornhub.com/insights/10-years

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/pornography.aspx

https://journals.lww.com/psychosomaticmedicine/fulltext/2013/05000/The_Effect_of_a_Primary_Sexual_Reward_Manipulation.10.aspx

https://itpolicy.princeton.edu

Personal Health & Hygiene, Sex Positivity

Mr. Measuring Stick: Does Size Matter?

Dear Sexpert,

I’ve only recently started watching porn online, and I’ve seen countless advertisements about “guaranteed” ways to make my penis bigger. Also, the guys in the videos are usually longer than I am. I never really questioned my size before watching porn, and I’m starting to feel as if I won’t be able to please my partner if I don’t do something about my penis size. So I’m wondering: does size really matter?   

Thanks in advance,

Mr. Measuring Stick

Dear Mr. Measuring Stick,

Ah…the age old question that has dumbfounded people for decades — “does size matter?” Well, the answer isn’t as clear cut as yes or no. And we shouldn’t be surprised by that, since sex is rarely that simple and is very individual.

First, let’s clear the air about all the “10 tricks to make you grow 3 inches in 5 weeks” and other clickbait advertisements that taunt you as you browse porn sites – they’re a scam. Dr. Brian Christine, a urologist with the Urology Centers of Alabama, says: “There’s nothing topical you can put on your penis that will make it grow longer…same goes for pills—it’s a complete waste of money.” You’ll see these products marketed with penis-boosting vitamins, minerals, herbs, or hormones, but no controlled studies have shown they’ll provide any benefit. In fact some products might even produce harmful effects. For example, certain toys like cock rings or devices like penis pumps can increase the size of an erection minimally and temporarily. But using them for an extended period of time or producing great swelling can result in discomfort, bruising and even damage to penile tissue.

In fact, the constant debate over penis size can be traced to a deeper issue that permeates throughout our everyday language and popular media, such as music, TV shows, and movies. Often, the size and length of someone’s penis is linked to how powerful or successful someone is, or size comparisons are used to make others feel “less than”. We always hear that people believe that “bigger is better,” (from candy bars to body parts) and that leads to a horrible cycle of competition, where size-enhancing tips and tricks start to become appealing. But, truth is, your penis size doesn’t determine your sexual performance, or your overall worth. Also, odds are, you’re probably doing alright in the size department. The average penis measures somewhere between 3 and 5 inches when flaccid or not erect, and between 5 and 7 inches when erect.

So what DOES matter? Your confidence! And how you are respectful and attentive with your partner(s). If you’re still a little shy about your little guy, focus more on what you can do with your partner that doesn’t involve a penis. You can practice the craft of foreplay and oral sex, or forms of intimacy that don’t involve sex. There are many ways to please your partner without having a long penis. Size makes no difference at all as long as you and your partner are openly communicating, and happy and comfortable. That said, there are some ways to make your love muscle flex a little harder. If you’re hung up on size, trimming your pubic hair might make your penis appear larger and it may even increase sensitivity around the base of your penis. If you’re into that, be careful to avoid nicks and razor burn, which can increase risk of sexually transmitted infections (STI) transmission or a less-than pleasurable experience for you.

So, Mr. Measuring Stick, do not fear! The porn industry may feed you lies that claim size to be the end all be all of sexual happiness, but there’s so much more to it than a number on a ruler. So don’t be shy, and make the best of what you got!

Information about penis size retrieved from Men’s Journal, Healthline, Mayo Clinic and Zavamed.

 

Protective Barriers, Sex Positivity, STDs/STIs

What is PrEP?: The Preventative HIV Drug

Dear Sexpert,

I’ve heard that more people are starting to use PrEP. What is it and should I start taking it?

-UnPrEPared

Hi UnPrEPared!

Thank you for your question! With acronyms flying here and there, it’s often hard to detangle what each one is and whether it is something to pay attention to. In 2012, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved a first in class pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) to prevent the transmission of human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), a sexually transmitted infection, in high-risk populations. (See, so many acronyms!) This simply means that the FDA approved a drug that can be taken on a daily basis to reduce the risk of contracting HIV. Only those that are higher risk for contracting HIV are encouraged to consult their doctor on whether PrEP is a good option for them.

PrEP (brand name Truvada ®), developed by Gilead Sciences, Inc., is a combination of two drugs, tenofovir and emtricitabine. These two drugs combine to provide the body the necessary fighting capabilities to attack the HIV virus once it enters the body and prevents the virus from multiplying and causing damage. Effectiveness of the medication is based on consistent and proper, daily use. For those who take PrEP every day, it is 92% effective at preventing sexually transmitted HIV infection and 70% effective at preventing HIV infection among people who inject drugs.

PrEP is only recommended for use among people at higher risk for HIV infection. This includes populations that engage in anal sex, engage with multiple sexual partners, engage with sex without a condom, or people that inject drugs and share needles. It is also recommended for people who are HIV-negative but in an on-going sexual relationship with an HIV-positive partner. Since PrEP is a preventative drug for people with on-going risk of HIV infection, it is not recommended for those who have had a single incidence of potential, high-risk exposure; a medication, called PEP, or post-exposure prophylaxis, is appropriate on that occasion.

Because it requires taking daily medication and regularly visiting a healthcare provider, PrEP is not right for everyone. Taking PrEP requires you to obtain regular lab tests and clinical visits every three months. Appointments for lab tests and clinical assessments for those required three month follow ups can be obtained at McCosh Health Center. Many private insurance companies and the University’s Student Health Plan (SHP) cover the cost of PrEP as long as the patient is considered “high risk” of contracting HIV. To figure out how much PrEP would cost, contact your personal health insurance provider, as different plans will vary in how much they require you to pay out of pocket. Gilead also may also provide helps with the cost of Truvada® through their medical assistance program.

Keep in mind that PrEP only protects against the transmission of HIV. To prevent the spread of other STI’s such as gonorrhea, syphilis, human papilloma virus (HPV), etc., PrEP should be used in tandem with condoms. If you believe that you are at a higher risk for getting HIV and can commit to taking PrEP daily, consult with a clinician at McCosh or your primary care provider to consider if you are a good candidate for PrEP. For more information, visit https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/prep.html.

Best,

The Sexpert

Information regarding PrEP provided by the Centers for Disease https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/prep.html Control and Prevention (CDC) and McCosh Health Center.

Relationships, Sex Positivity

First-Year Virgin: How should I go about having sex for the first time?

Dear Sexpert,

Now that we’re a month into the school year, it seems like my friends have been hooking up or having sex more frequently than I am.  I feel insecure about my lack of sexual experiences and I would like to lose my virginity. How should I go about having sex for the first time?

–First-year virgin

image of sock on door

Hi first-year virgin,

Sexual debut can be a source of stress for many.  Sometimes, it may seem like everyone else is engaging in more sexual activity than us. Surveys of Princeton undergraduates tell us that about 61% of current Princeton undergrads have one or more sexual partners in the past year, while 39% have had none. Despite what your peers are doing, though, it is important to note that the decisions of when, how, and with whom to have sex are extremely personal ones. Whatever you choose, make sure it feels right for you!

The concept of virginity is a social construct (and a heteronormative one, too) that tends to place unnecessary pressure on those who abstain from engaging in sexual activities or those who abstain from sexual activity other than penile-vaginal intercourse.  Often, losing one’s virginity is considered to be a uniform, landmark event in one’s life; however, a first sexual experience can encompass a multitude of different forms and personal, cultural, or religious significance.  For some, the loss of virginity might include engaging in any form of sexual activity involving the genitals, engaging in new sexual experiences or activities with a current partner, engaging in sexual activities with a new partner, or having an orgasm. That being said, on your quest to expand your sexual experiences, I would encourage you to first think about and define what virginity means to you.  

In thinking about how you might find a potential sexual partner, many students meet people anywhere from their classes and organizations to parties, to dating apps like Tinder or Grindr, or through mutual friends.  When engaging in any sexual activity for the first time, it is important to be aware of boundaries and practice open communication with your partner because first sexual experiences may be nerve-wracking or uncomfortable.  For example, people with vaginas who wish to engage in penetrative sex may experience discomfort upon penetration due to insufficient lubrication and increased friction, stretching of the vaginal walls, or the breakage of the hymen, a membrane covering the opening of the vagina. (Note: breaking of the hymen can occur through other non-sexual activities [e.g., using tampons, exercise] and also may not occur during penetrative sex).  That said, using sufficient lubrication and focusing on foreplay to increase arousal can help ease physical discomfort.  Nerves or anxiety, which may be associated with first sexual encounters, can affect the sexual functions of penises and vaginas alike. For people with penises, nerves may make it hard to achieve or maintain a full erection. For people with vaginas, nerves can prevent natural lubrication of the vagina. Constant communication is another way to prevent nervousness or discomfort before and during sexual activity.

Before engaging in sexual activity for the first time, make sure that you are taking care of your health and safety. Using barrier methods can lower risk of transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STI) and, if relevant, contraceptive methods to prevent pregnancy (if you will be engaging in penile-vaginal sex).  It is important to talk to your partner. If the sexual activity of your choice involves penile penetration (of the vagina, anus or mouth), it is important to use an external (male) condom or internal (female) condom to prevent STI transmission.  If fingers will be used to stimulate the genital areas, a finger cot or condom can be used as a barrier.  If you wish to learn more about barrier methods or have further questions about sexual health, you can make an appointment online with a sexual health provider through MyUHS.

I hope this article has reinforced that choices regarding sex are personal, and sexual experiences need not be restricted to a timeline.  Whether you choose to explore sexual experiences with a partner immediately or far in the future, your choices are valid.

-The Sexpert

Information for this article was obtained from Kinsey Confidential and Go Ask Alice.