Category Archives: Dating

Communication, Dating, Relationships, Sex Positivity

Apprehensive Adventurer: Sexual exploration in a relationship

Dear Sexpert,

My partner has asked me if I would ever engage in roleplay and sex that includes “tying me up.” I’ve never done anything like that before and could be open to the idea, but feel weird and kind of dirty for wanting to try it. I don’t want to make my partner feel bad by being hesitant, but at the same time, I don’t want to rush into anything without being completely sure that I want to do it. How do I handle this situation?

— Apprehensive Adventurer 

Dear Apprehensive Adventurer,

Thank you for opening up about how you’re feeling. Rest assured, you’re not alone in feeling apprehensive. Trying new things sexually can be exciting and fun but may require you to step outside of your comfort levels. It’s good that you are being mindful of your boundaries and taking care of yourself by only agreeing to engage in activities that you are ready to pursue. Most importantly, as with any sexual behavior, it should be mutually consensual, with consent being:

  • Freely given (without coercion or manipulation, not given while incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, and not asleep or unconscious) 
  • Reversible (able to be revoked at any point)
  • Informed (through dialogue and mutual decision-making) 
  • Enthusiastic (verbal and non-verbal cues that are affirmative, e.g., saying “yes”, head nodding, etc.)
  • Specific (detailed and limited to determined activities)

This means that if you decide to try role play or bondage activities, you are having open and on-going communication with your partner, and you can change your mind at any point. 

Feeling hesitant about trying something new is completely normal! So is being intrigued by sexual exploration and wanting to engage in fantasy. In fact, it’s so common that there is a classification of main themes related to sexual fantasy. Although the possibilities are endless, a 4,000+ person, 350 question survey in 2018 conducted by sex educator Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., found that there are seven main fantasy themes when it comes to sexual imagination. It sounds like what your partner is suggesting falls into the category of power and control. (Important to note: Engaging in power and control or other BDSM behaviors is never an excuse for causing violence or harm — it requires explicit consent.)

Feel free to research this category on informal websites like Scarleteen or Bedsider — it might help you feel less “weird” or “dirty” for exploring your sexual imagination. Sexual shame can come from societal influences or cultural norms and often functions as a barrier to authentic self-expression. Yet once again, don’t feel pressure to partake in an activity simply because other people are doing it, or because your partner suggests it. Take the time to reflect on why you feel unsure and validate your own feelings, and explore what, if anything, would make you feel more certain about trying something new.

When talking about experimenting sexually with your partner, remember that clear and constant communication is key. Be honest with your partner about feeling tentative. And if you do decide to experiment with power and control, establish a safe word to ensure that you have an easy and quick way to communicate what you need in the moment. Go slow! There’s no rush, and remember that you can always change your mind at any point. You may also want to build in time for debrief or a conversation afterwards, so you can continue discussing what you both liked, didn’t like, or would want to do differently in the future. 

Having a sexual imagination or feeling sexual desire is no reason to feel ashamed! Just make sure that you are establishing clear communication with your partner, and acting in a way that is consensual and respectful of both of your boundaries. 

Bon Voyage!

—The Sexpert

Contraception, Dating

Puzzled BC-Taker: On birth control

Dear Sexpert,

I’ve been dating my partner for over a year now, but I fear things are not going well, and we are likely close to the end of our relationship. A couple of months into dating, I decided I was ready to begin being sexually active, and I started using birth control pills. My body seems to have adapted well to them, but I am unsure if I should continue using them if my partner and I break up. I’m afraid that if I keep taking them, others will assume it’s because I have already moved on and that I’m seeing other people. What should I do? If I stop taking them, what should I expect? 

— Puzzled BC-taker

Dear Puzzled BC-taker, 

I am sorry to hear that your relationship might be nearing its end. I hope you and your partner ultimately make the decision that is right for you, and if you do break up, do so respectfully.

Regarding your birth control dilemma: birth control pills, also referred to as oral contraceptives, are a reliable, easily reversed form of contraception, but they can also be used for various reasons beyond pregnancy prevention. Oral contraceptives are generally a combination of the hormones estrogen and progestin — two hormones necessary for the sexual development of the female and for the regulation of the menstrual cycle. Consistently taking birth control pills is a reliable form of contraception and can be easily reversed. 

Each different type of birth control pill has a unique dosage of estrogen and progestin. Those with both the hormones estrogen and progestin are known as combination pills. Combination oral contraceptives can be used to treat hormone-related health issues, such as acne, severe menstrual cramps (also known as dysmenorrhea), and irregular menstrual cycles. Birth control pills may even be prescribed to help relieve endometriosis symptoms, a condition during which the tissue that lines the uterus grows outside of it. There are also pills that only contain progestin, colloquially known as “mini-pills.”

Using oral contraceptives can have several benefits besides their main purpose, such as the lessened probability of developing cysts in the breasts and ovaries, and of developing endometrial and ovarian cancers. Of course, this depends on the person and type of combination pill used.  

Evidently, there are several reasons why someone might use oral contraceptives. Nonetheless, there can be a stigma regarding contraceptive use, so your concerns about the assumptions someone may make are completely valid. However, you know your body better than anyone else, and thus should not be afraid of what others may think of your health-related decisions. Of course, that is easier said than done.

The main thing you should consider is your well-being: What would make you feel the most comfortable? If you are not looking to become pregnant, continuing to take birth control may keep your mind at ease. It is important to note that you can become pregnant immediately after you discontinue taking regular or low-dose oral contraceptives, so consider whether you may engage in vaginal sex in the near future before stopping your regimen. Given that oral contraceptives are easily reversible, you can resume taking them at any point (before their expiration date) after stopping, but they may not be effective at preventing pregnancy immediately. Depending on the type of pill, they may become effective only after seven days of usage. If you plan to have vaginal sex, also use a barrier method, like an internal or external condom, to prevent pregnancy.

Something else you should consider before you discontinue taking birth control pills is whether there are additional benefits of using oral contraceptives and how they affect your current lifestyle. Perhaps you are experiencing a lighter menstruation flow and less cramping, which may be a relief, especially in a high-stress environment where you have less time to rest during the day. Ultimately, it is your decision, but those are two factors to consider. 

If you do decide to stop taking the pill, you should expect your menstruation cycle to return to how it was before birth control. This might mean your menstruation flow will become heavier, and you will have more cramping. It might also take a couple of months for your hormone levels to balance themselves, and this readjustment phase may lead to irregular periods. Fortunately, this readjustment phase is based on how long you were on birth control and may last less than three months.

Before making a final decision, it may be helpful to speak with your healthcare provider, or a Sexual Health and Wellness clinician at UHS, to weigh the pros and cons and consider an alternative contraceptive form — for example, an intrauterine device, patch, or hormonal shot. If you would like more guidance but do not feel ready to speak with a professional quite yet, you can schedule a Wellness Chat with a Peer Health Adviser to explore resources and create an “action plan.” Regardless of your decision, remember that there are many resources available to you on campus if you want to talk through your options or simply to have someone listen. 

Sincerely,
The Sexpert 

Information in this article is from MayoClinic, Go Ask Alice Columbia University, Planned Parenthood, and Psychology Today.

Communication, Dating, Relationships

Distance Doubter: Long Distance Relationship Over Break

Dear Sexpert,

I’ve recently gotten into a relationship, but with winter break coming up soon, this is the first time my partner and I are going to be apart for more than a week. Fall break and Thanksgiving were fine since we were able to talk to each other nearly every day, but I’m worried that the longer duration of winter break might make things more difficult. How do I navigate a long-distance relationship?

-Distance Doubter

Dear Distance Doubter,

Heading into a long-distance relationship can change your typical dynamic slightly, but it doesn’t have to be a negative experience. In fact, you can learn a lot about yourself and your relationship from long distance. In terms of navigating long-distance relationships, the first thing to note is that communication truly is key. I would advise trying to start a conversation with your partner now about expectations for each other during your time apart. If you’re feeling nervous or anxious about this, you can bet they are too. Some potential things to talk about include: how frequently you plan on talking, both through text and on the phone; how you will juggle communicating during busier times (e.g., family or other obligations like Princeternships, volunteering, shadowing, etc.), on completely unavailable times/days, or when you’ll be spending time with friends; or how you’ll maintain intimacy. For example, you may want to discuss access to private spaces, and what you would both feel comfortable doing together. However, remember that things may change and people can change their minds. The options for virtual intimacy are endless, but it really depends on the specific dynamics of your relationship, and it’s important to remember that consent is still important. This means that you always want to check in with your partner; never send any unsolicited pictures, videos, or texts. Ease into things, and make sure you are mindful about the space you’re in (e.g., you’d never want a coworker to look over your shoulder and see private messages). 

It’s also important to know that it might not be realistic for you and your partner to talk every day, like you did during fall and Thanksgiving break, especially if you’re in different time zones. And that’s okay! But this might require both sides to intentionally make more time for each other in order to enable ease and frequency of communication. Virtual dates are a great way to do this. Some virtual date ideas could include: watching a movie or show together (there are several platforms that let you both watch the same thing remotely, some even have chats if you can’t be on call together), playing games together (find some virtual escape rooms or multiplayer online games!), sending each other a surprise meal through a delivery service and having a video dinner date, or taking online quizzes together during a call. Try to remain flexible with any changes as you both settle into your winter break schedules and routines.

Some of your fear may stem from how to deal with disagreements that might arise during a period of long distance, and that’s a valid fear to have. Disagreements over text can easily escalate because tone and messages can be easily misinterpreted. Sometimes a well-meaning text can be read as aggressive. A good way to combat miscommunication is to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and always assume that they have the best intentions at heart. If you’re ever in doubt, just ask them! You can also make sure you’re taking the time to listen intentionally to your partner and not multitasking while talking. When you’re not able to immediately participate in a discussion, let them know that you want to wait until you can fully dedicate yourself to listening to them. Additionally, when in a disagreement, make sure to communicate how you’re feeling and how you want the message to come across. It’s also important to remember to respond to situations rather than react. This can mean that sometimes you take a step back from a conversation or take some time before beginning a discussion or sending a response. The expectation for a relationship should not be to never have a disagreement, but to make sure that when one arises both of you are being heard, being respectful of each other’s feelings and opinions, and learning and growing from that specific moment.

Overall, long-distance relationships don’t have to be scary! You’ll probably miss your partner a lot, but setting up expectations before you leave for winter break and agreeing to have completely-open communication during your time apart are important steps. Some of these conversations might be difficult or even awkward to bring up, but once you begin one part of the conversation, the rest of the experience becomes a lot easier!

Sincerely,
The Sexpert

Information for this article provided by UMatter, Well + Good, NPR, and Psych Central.

Communication, Dating, Personal Health & Hygiene, Protective Barriers, STDs/STIs

Flavorful Fluid: Addressing health concerns regarding oral sex

Dear Sexpert,

Things are getting kind of hot and heavy with this guy I’m seeing. We’ve only made out so far, but I have recently been thinking about trying oral sex. I’m worried about the taste of my bodily fluids. I’ve heard pineapple juice might help oral sex be more enjoyable for the giver: Is this true?

— Flavorful Fluid

Dear Flavorful Fluid,

Thank you for reaching out with your question! It’s completely normal to have questions and occasional insecurities about our bodies when it comes to sexual experiences, especially new ones. Regarding any type of sexual activity, including oral sex, it’s important to reflect on your personal wants and needs and to have open and respectful communication with your partner(s).

Oral sex encompasses a range of activities: cunnilingus, the oral stimulation of the vulva; fellatio, the oral stimulation of a penis; or anilingus, colloquially called “rimming”, oral stimulation of the anus. It’s common for the person giving oral sex to encounter various tastes and sensations as every body has its own unique flavor profile, and it can change depending on many variables — including diet, hydration, supplements or medications, hygiene, or infection. As for your question about pineapple juice, there’s a belief that consuming pineapple juice may make penile and vaginal secretions taste “better” — less bitter —, though it’s important to understand that many factors contribute to these tastes. Penile secretions are slightly alkaline, with a pH ranging between 7.1 and 8, which can lead to a slightly bitter taste. On the other hand, vaginal secretions are slightly acidic, with a pH between 3.8 and 4.5, resulting in a tangy taste. Your diet plays a significant role in the flavor of any bodily fluid, whether it be saliva, sweat, urine, seminal, or vaginal fluid.  For example, foods such as garlic, onions, dairy, red meat, smoking, and alcohol can contribute to a more “bitter” taste. In the case of penile secretions, sugary liquids or foods, such as pineapple juice, can alter the fructose and glucose content, making them less alkaline and potentially less “bitter.” The taste of vaginal secretions is also strongly affected by the menstrual cycle. During menstruation, the presence of blood may give a “metallic” taste, while during ovulation, the release of cervical mucus can result in a “muskier” taste. In addition to diet, being on medications, such as antibiotics, or having an infection affect your pH levels, and impact your natural smell and taste. 

Let’s also address this message that bodies and bodily secretions should taste or smell like something other than what they are. This strategy, used to sell products that promise to mask your natural scent or unique flavor, contributes to feelings of shame or insecurity about our naturally-existing bodies. Practicing general hygiene, like taking regular showers, wiping after using the bathroom, and wearing proper-fitting, breathable, clean underwear should ensure that your unique taste is natural. If your partner(s) makes comments about not liking your taste or uses it as an excuse to not give oral sex, a conversation might be in order. Together, with open communication, you can hopefully come up with creative and mutually-pleasing solutions.

It is also important to note that engaging in oral sex comes with risk for sexually transmitted infections (STI), like gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes, etc. To reduce risk, use a dental dam — a sheet of latex or polyurethane placed over the anus or vulva — to prevent skin-to-skin contact during cunnilingus or anilingus, or an external condom during fellatio. Condoms, dental dams, and water-based lube can come in different flavors, which can make things more exciting —chocolate mint, anyone? — and cover the taste of latex while simultaneously reducing risks. Many STIs are asymptomatic, meaning you can spread an STI without knowing it, so the best option is for you to use barrier methods, and/or get screened for STIs with your partner(s) and s hare your results with one another. You can do self-directed STI testing through UHS, since you are asymptomatic, or you can make an appointment with Sexual Health and Wellness at UHS through your MyUHS online portal.

Ultimately, personal preferences and sexual experiences can vary widely. Open and honest communication with your partner, respect for each other’s boundaries, and consent in all activities are most important. If your partner notices a change and brings it up in a considerate manner, it’s an opportunity to have a conversation about your well-being. However, if you find yourself in a situation where your partner constantly makes disparaging comments or uses this as an excuse to avoid certain activities, it’s important to prioritize your own self-respect and comfort. Partners should approach these topics with empathy and respect for each other. 

Warm regards,
The Sexpert

Information obtained from Healthline, National Library of Medicine, Men’s Health, University Health Services, and Mayo Clinic.

Dating, Personal Health & Hygiene, Relationships

Distant Date: Maintaining your mental health and sex life

Dear Sexpert,

I have a history of struggling with my mental health, namely depression. I recently changed my medication and have been feeling different ever since. The biggest problem is I’ve felt really disconnected from my partner, and I’m never in the mood to have sex. I don’t want my partner to think I’m not attracted to them anymore, but I’m not sure how to fix this. 

Best,
Distant Date

Dear Distant Date,

What you’re feeling is completely valid! Many factors such as depression, anxiety, stress, and exhaustion can affect your sex drive and emotional availability in a relationship. These factors can overwhelm your emotions, making you unmotivated to participate in sexual activity or any other emotional connections, which is separate from your attraction to your partner. If you are taking medication to treat your depression, there are side effects that can also affect how you develop relationships with other people. Note that it might take some time to get used to these effects. 

Both depression itself and many antidepressant treatments are known to cause low libido and lack of sexual motivation, so it might be hard to know which one is the cause in your situation. According to the Cleveland Clinic, there are many different ways depression can impact sexual dysfunction including low self-esteem, inability to experience pleasure (e.g., limited arousal, inability to orgasm), low energy levels, loss of interest in activities, and mood swings. So, if you are facing any of these symptoms, just know that this is due to the many chemical processes taking place in your body!

When someone is experiencing depression, oxytocin levels in the brain decrease. Oxytocin is an important chemical that regulates sex drive and desire, which explains how depression can affect libido. Oxytocin is also considered the bonding chemical, which increases a sense of trust and connection, particularly through touch; low oxytocin levels due to depression might explain your feeling of disconnection from your partner. Stress can also be a huge factor in low libido! According to VHC Health, chronic stress, or chronic high levels of cortisol, can suppress sex hormones and cause a low sex drive. All of these factors are also mentally-taxing and can cause extreme fatigue and low energy, which will also impact sex drive. Chances are that the more stressed out you are about all this, the less “in the mood” you’ll feel.

Antidepressant medication can also help ease depression through spiking levels of serotonin in your body. However, this spike in serotonin can make it difficult for your brain to communicate with your body and can decrease sex drive. Despite these effects, it is important not to just stop taking your medication, but to instead explore other solutions. Sometimes there is an adjustment period and side effects lessen over time. Some antidepressant medications focus on chemicals other than serotonin in your brain, such as dopamine or norepinephrine, and usually have fewer sexual side effects. It is also possible that a combination of medications could offset some of the side effects, without reducing the effectiveness of your antidepressant. Therefore, it may be helpful to discuss these options with your prescribing provider, or connect with a psychiatrist at McCosh Health Center’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) to discuss possible changes in medication or discuss next steps in prioritizing your mental health.

In the meantime, it’s important to communicate what you’ve been feeling and struggling with to your partner. There can be a stigma associated with mental illness, which may impact when and how people disclose their mental health challenges to others. Your partner may not know about the common sexual side effects of depression, anxiety, and stress, so educating and sharing your experience with them allows them to better understand how you are feeling. Begin a conversation and try to communicate what you are comfortable with regarding intimacy in the relationship at the moment. Plan a time where you can sit down and have this discussion with your partner in a comfortable, relaxed environment, so you both can plan out boundaries and next steps. 

If you’re having trouble beginning this conversation or knowing what to do next, you can always schedule a Wellness Chat with a Peer Health Adviser to navigate options. It’s important to remember that it’s not your fault and that this can be remedied with open communication and by consulting with healthcare providers to find solutions that support your mental health, while minimizing these unwanted side effects.

Sincerely,
The Sexpert

Information for this article provided by Harvard Health, Cleveland Clinic, and VHC Health.

Communication, Dating, Protective Barriers, Relationships, Sex Positivity

Uncertain Underclassmen: Approaching hook-up culture on campus

Dear Sexpert,

Throughout my first few weeks on campus, it seems like everyone is focused on hooking up during nights out. I’ve never done anything like that before, but I feel kind of pressured to start. Hooking up wasn’t really big among my friends back home and my health class only discussed abstinence. Plus, my parents usually just avoided any sex-related conversations altogether. I don’t want my new friends to think that I’m weird or anything for staying on the sidelines though. Should I just go for it already? 

— Uncertain Underclassman

Dear Uncertain Underclassman,

Your worries are completely valid — and more common than you might think. Adjusting to the new social environment on campus, even for upperclassmen/returning students, can be overwhelming. Before jumping to any conclusions about what others are doing, you might want to ask what your friends really mean by “hooking up.” The term can mean anything from making out to engaging in vaginal or anal sex. Try not to let social pressures — even from your new friends — cloud your judgment on intimate matters. Of course, separating yourself from the perceived norms on campus is no easy task. Still, regardless of what your friends or peers are doing, the decision to start exploring physical intimacy — i.e., any form of sensuous contact — ultimately resides with you.

It’s important to understand that what you may see or hear about sex on campus is likely not an accurate representation of what’s “normal.” Those who are not engaging in sexual activity tend to be less vocal about that choice than their sexually active peers are. Our data suggest that the percentage of students not engaging in oral, vaginal, or anal intercourse is higher than those who do. Only 27.4% of current freshmen arriving on campus have ever had sex, according to The Daily Princetonian’s 2026 frosh survey. Based on the ACHA-NCHA III Spring 2023 survey of undergraduate students in the United States, 39 percent have never engaged in oral sex, 44 percent have never engaged% in vaginal, and 84 percent have never engaged% in anal. Therefore, whether or not you choose to participate in sexual activity, your behavior will certainly not be outside of the norm. 

Oftentimes, you’ll hear that you should wait to engage in physical intimacy until “the time is right.” Unfortunately, that timing can be very difficult to discern and is influenced by many factors. Luckily, you’ve already gotten off to a great start by simply taking the time to think about whether “the time is right” for you. Reflecting on what you’re comfortable with and setting personal boundaries while level-headed can help prevent getting swept up in the moment — especially when under the influence or caught up in the excitement of a night out. It’s easier to make a decision about engaging in physical intimacy when you can rationally weigh the options, rather than going on an impulse or giving in to social pressure. 

The start of college is a great time to iron out your values as an individual — and that goes for your sexual life too. When deciding whether or not you’d like to engage in physical intimacy, try to separate how you actually feel from all of the external forces in your life. Consider yourself in relation to your familial upbringing, cultural norms, and spiritual values — all of which can play an important role in your decision. If relevant, the chaplains at the Office of Religious Life can serve as  helpful resources for navigating your sex life from a religious perspective. For more support in exploring sexual identity, you can also connect with staff or peer educators at the Gender + Sexuality Resource Center. At the end of the day, whatever decision you make about choosing to engage in sexual activity is not binding in any way; it’s simply a way to take stock of your boundaries and expectations as you start this new chapter.

Once you sort out where you stand among these diverse influences, the next step is communication. You should always be upfront with potential romantic or sexual partners about your boundaries and goals for intimacy, and respect theirs. A helpful tool is the “How I Like It” Inventory. You can fill it out to explore for yourself, and/or have your partner fill it out; comparing results can help you to find what you want to do together. Making your expectations well known and communicating with your partner about your level of experience in sex, ahead of time, can prevent misunderstandings and feeling pressured down the line. Moreover, make sure to continue having these discussions throughout your interactions because boundaries and desires can easily fluctuate. 

Finally, if you do decide to begin exploring physical intimacy, make sure you do so safely. Use an appropriate barrier method such as a condom (external or internal), dental dam, or finger cot to prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If engaging in penile-vaginal sex, use a reliable contraception method to prevent any unwanted pregnancies. Condoms, birth control, STI testing, and sexual health appointments are all available through Sexual Health and Wellness at University Health Services. Ultimately, your first semester at college can be an exciting time of self and sexual discovery,  so make sure you stay safe and healthy while exploring your boundaries.

Best of luck! 

— The Sexpert

Information for this article is provided by the American College Health Association’s National College Health Assessment III, Daily Princetonian, and University Health Services.

Communication, Dating, Relationships

porn, relationships, and confusion

Dear Sexpert,

I just found out that my boyfriend prefers a certain type of porn a few months into our relationship. When we first started dating, I asked him and he lied to me repeatedly saying he has never watched porn. What he’s into isn’t bad, but it is different than what I was expecting. Is it a red flag that he lied to me when I asked the first few times?

– Confused Viewer

Dear Confused Viewer,

Watching porn is fairly common, and can be a healthy part of sexuality. Unfortunately, it is also very stigmatized, and many people avoid talking about their habits and views surrounding porn for fear of being judged negatively. Watching porn is common among both people who are single and those who are in relationships; in fact, in a large study of people in relationships, 85% reported watching pornography in the last six months (Psychology Today). Some people who watch porn consider it a part of their sexuality that they would like to share with their partner(s); others consider porn something they like to enjoy only by themselves, or something that should be kept private. Others may also prefer to involve porn in their sexual relationships only after becoming comfortable with other types of sexuality together. How someone chooses to watch and talk about porn, if at all, really depends on the individual’s preferences and comfort level. However, let’s talk more about the dynamics surrounding your and your boyfriend’s interactions with porn.

It seems like what you are most concerned about is not the porn itself, but the fact that he lied to you, and that it might be a bad sign. While it’s ultimately up to you how you assess the fact that he lied, it makes sense to consider the bigger picture and reasons he might have done so. Porn is still considered very taboo in society; people have varying viewpoints on the ethics of porn in general, and especially about specific types of porn or the fetishes/fantasies represented in them. Many people who watch porn don’t talk about it with friends or partners, perhaps because they believe it is something to be kept private or they fear adverse reactions. One possibility is that your boyfriend worried that you would disapprove of his watching porn, and was embarrassed or hesitant to tell you. Something else that might contribute to this is myths about gender surrounding porn. It’s a mistaken common view that porn is something only viewed by men. In fact, in the study of people in relationships, 73% of women (vs 98% of men) had watched porn within the last 6 months (Psychology Today). If you don’t identify as male, the mistaken conception that your gender indicates your interest in porn may have contributed to an assumption on your boyfriend’s part that porn wasn’t something you would be interested in or approve of. Also, porn is notably very different than real life sex. It’s scripted and performed for the enjoyment of the viewer, and very often does not portray realistic (or healthy) sexual encounters. You said the kind of porn he watches is “not what you were expecting”; from that, it sounds like what he is into might not be something that’s part of your current sexual experiences together. It is possible some people, like your boyfriend, might be worried that sharing with you what porn arouses him would seem too different from what you do together sexually. There is a big difference between fantasy and reality; some people’s sexual fantasies are not things they would really want to do in real life. Your boyfriend might have been worried that you might assume he wants your sex life together to be like the porn he watches, or that he wants something different. Finally, it is possible that your boyfriend was worried you might consider his watching porn a violation of the boundaries of your relationship, and hoped to conceal it from you.

With all of these possibilities, and possibly more, it seems like the best thing to do would be to have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. It’s likely that a lot of what led to his lying was miscommunication and mistaken assumptions. An open conversation about porn, your sex life, and your relationship could bring clarity and reassure him that what you most want is that you are both honest with each other. Approaching the conversation with an open mind can assure him that you won’t judge him, and allow you to understand the motivations behind his withholding his porn usage from you. It is up to you from there to decide, ideally in conversation with him, what to do going forward. Lying is never a positive in a relationship, but it is not necessarily a red flag. It might instead be a sign that the two of you need to work on having more open communication. However, if it turns out that he withheld his porn usage from you because he thought you would consider it a violation of your relationship, then this might be a more serious issue to consider and talk about. Lying to avoid acknowledging the breaching of boundaries in your relationship is a red flag. If you do consider watching porn to be a violation of these boundaries, it might be best to clearly establish your boundary and ask him his opinions. Your partner should always respect your boundaries and what you are comfortable with, but porn is often a non-talked-about “gray area”, especially in otherwise monogamous relationships. Being clear with each other on your feelings is important going forward.

Porn can (within limits) be a healthy part of one’s sexuality within any relationship status. However, stigmas against watching porn can often cause feelings of shame that result in a lack of communication surrounding porn, including with one’s partner(s). It is completely reasonable to be upset that your boyfriend lied to you, but it is important to have an honest conversation with him about your feelings surrounding his lying to you, porn, and your relationship. From there, it is up to you to assess with yourself what boundaries to set and changes to make in the future, as well as how you feel about his lying to you once you know why.

Best of luck!

– The Sexpert

Resources:

https://www.bustle.com/p/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-porn-according-to-a-sex-therapist-1 0 248693 (an article about how to talk about porn with your partner, as advised by a sex therapist)

Communication, Dating

Summer Swooner: Dealing with Distance in a Relationship

Dear Sexpert,

My boyfriend and I have been together since the beginning of spring semester.  Unfortunately, he’s going to be going back home on the west coast this summer, while I’m staying on campus to do thesis research. I’m worried the distance might be hard on our relationship. How do we keep our relationship, and more specifically, our sex life, going strong?

Sincerely,

Summer Swooner

Dear Swooner,

It’s totally normal to feel apprehensive about the impending separation between you and your partner. However, it’s important to remember that it’s only for three months. It seems like you want to be together when you return to campus in the fall, so let’s talk about ways to make sure you two can keep the fire burning, despite the geographic distance!

The first place to start is having an honest discussion with your partner about how you want your relationship to be defined during the summer months. Oftentimes, people can feel conflicted when separated from their partner over the summer — likely, you’ll be meeting new people and living different day-to-day lives. If you feel like you or you partner might want to explore other romantic or sexual relationships during the summer, then you should try and have a conversation about the boundaries of your relationship in person, before you two part ways. It can be hard to have these conversations over the phone, since a lot of feelings might be “lost in translation.” Remember to be honest with yourself and with your partner so that during the summer you can feel connected with the space and people around you and confident in the status of your romantic relationship. It is possible that as summer goes on either you or your partner might want to revisit your original agreement; that’s understandable. Be sure to keep those lines of communication open and be true to what you are feeling and what you need in the relationship.

What’s great about modern-day, long-distance dating is that we have the gift of the internet to stay connected. You can use these (text, call, video chat) to communicate regularly but can also get creative for special occasions. For example, use video chat to “have a date”. Get dressed up, set the mood with lighting or decor, and video chat while eating a meal “together”. Of course it’s not the same as being together in-person and may even be a little awkward at first, but it can add something special to your routine of communicating via text or phone call. Furthermore, intentionally having to carve time out for one another may lead to a stronger relationship and getting to know each other on a more emotionally intimate level.

Regarding your sex life, as long as both you and your partner are comfortable, you can use video-chat services (e.g., Facetime, Skype, Snapchat) as a tool to keep the sexual aspects of your relationship alive without being physically together. Video-chatting can make it feel like your partner is right there next to you, so don’t be ashamed of getting a little steamy over Skype! Partners can masturbate to each other over video-chat or share sexual fantasies. It’s great practice for pillow talk, since you’ll likely have to use your words more so than in person!

There may also be times when you really miss your partner and the distance feels too difficult. Make sure you have a support system–friends, family, etc.–who you can talk to for comfort and even distractions when things get tough. They can help you get through the rough patches and feel grounded.

As always, I wish you the best of luck, Swooner. Maintaining honest communication and trust with your partner during the summer will prove useful in building and maintaining your relationship and sex life.  But remember to have some conversations about how you plan to approach the summer before you leave campus.

Yours,

The Sexpert

 

Communication, Dating, Masturbation, Relationships, Sex Toys

Sex Toys in Relationships

Dear Sexpert,

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 3 months now. Recently, I’ve noticed that after we have sex, and I’ve seemingly fallen “asleep,” she sometimes reaches in her backpack for her vibrator. The mechanic hum isn’t what keeps me up, but the embarrassment from the fact that sex with me isn’t enough for her. I really care about her, but I don’t know how to confront her about this. What do you think I should do?

Sincerely,

Lackluster Lover

Dear Lover,

Take a breath – this situation sounds challenging but not necessarily something to take personally. Good news, with some open channels of communication with your girlfriend, you will likely find a mutually pleasurable sex life together!

First off, it is important to note that people (more often women-identified individuals) sometimes have more difficulty reaching orgasm (with or without a partner) for any number of reasons. One reason is that traditional depictions of female pleasure often show orgasm resulting from penetrative sex and happening in tandem with a partner’s orgasm — creating that as the model for “how it should work”. Feeling stressed, being distracted/having trouble focusing, not being aroused enough, not yet knowing what feels good, experiencing physical discomfort, etc. can all impact whether or not someone experiences an orgasm.

Your girlfriend’s desire to pleasure herself after sex could indicate a need for trying something different together. If your girlfriend is comfortable masturbating in the same bed as you, then she will likely be comfortable enough to have a conversation about it. Although she’s waiting until after you’re asleep, she’s clearly not trying that hard to hide it from you. You two haven’t been together for that long, so it’s possible that she is apprehensive about bringing this to your attention, or is worried that you will take it personally. But, like I said, it’s important to establish honest and clear ways to communicate about it.

So how do you go about starting the conversation? Well one thing is for certain, don’t wait until she pulls out her vibrator and confront her in a “gotcha!” moment. Instead, bring it up to her over a meal, when you’re just hanging out in your room, or in some other relatively private and comfortable space. Mention that you have noticed her doing this recently, and, if you’re comfortable, express your openness to trying out new things together. Vibrators and other sex toys don’t always have to be used for masturbation; maybe you can try your hand at wielding the mechanical hum. In fact, many sex toys can be used with a partner — some (e.g., vibrating rings) are even made for use during penetrative sex to enhance pleasure of both partners, but be sure to wash your toys thoroughly with soapy water after use, especially if you plan on sharing them between yourselves. You can also use a new condom on toys (e.g., dildo) for each use. Also, if you two often skip straight to penetrative sex, then you might benefit from some additional foreplay to “get things going”. Try oral sex or a sensual massage. Some couples find mutual masturbation (masturbating, individually, near one another) arousing and can also help your partner better understand what works for you.

Anyways, I wish you the best of luck, Lover. These sorts of things can be uncomfortable to initiate at first, but it is likely that, after bringing it up in a mature manner, your sex life (and relationship) will only benefit from the conversations that follow!

Yours,

The Sexpert

Communication, Dating, Relationships

Not-Into-Intercourse: How can my partner and I be intimate with each other without having sex / what are different forms of outercourse?

Dear Sexpert,

I love my partner very much, but I am not sure that I am ready to have sex with my partner yet. Are there ways to be intimate without having sex?

–Not-Into-Intercourse

Continue reading Not-Into-Intercourse: How can my partner and I be intimate with each other without having sex / what are different forms of outercourse? →

Communication, Dating, Relationships

Uncertain Sexter: Is it safe to send my partner nude pictures?

Dear Sexpert,

I started a relationship a few weeks ago and I am having a lot of fun with my partner. They’ve been asking me to send “sexy” pictures of myself and I have sent a few. But after reading some articles about sexting, I am not too sure how I feel. Should I be worried? I don’t know how to bring it up since my relationship is pretty new.

—Uncertain Sexter

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Dating, Relationships

Digitally Apprehensive: Does online dating work?

Dear Sexpert~

My love life has been pretty slow for a while and I haven’t had much luck meeting people in person. I’ve thought about trying online dating, but I’m too embarrassed to actually go through with it. I’m also worried about safety and being catfished. Do you think it’s still worth a shot?

–Digitally Apprehensive

Continue reading Digitally Apprehensive: Does online dating work? →

Dating, Personal Health & Hygiene

Low Libido: Should I try the women’s Viagra?

Dear Sexpert,

I’m currently dating someone I really like… but there’s one little problem. I feel like I have a really low libido. I don’t feel like I want or enjoy sex at all, and I’m afraid it’s not normal. People have told me that I just need to relax, but I feel like something is wrong with my body. I heard that there’s a women’s Viagra on the market now. Would something like that help me? I’m desperate!

–Low Libido 

Continue reading Low Libido: Should I try the women’s Viagra? →